Why Am I Catholic?

Because it's tough, it's a constant challenge and it gives my life meaning.
Life would be boring and mundane if it weren't for my Catholic faith.
I fail constantly and struggle each and every day. In that struggle I feel alive though.
I see what kind of lives people lead who don't have the challenges of living up to something greater. When we set our own expectations and limits we can change them as we feel. Life becomes boring when I can set my own rules and go with whatever "I" think is best.
But with my Catholic faith the objectives are set in stone and on my heart. The rules don't change to my own whims. What I feel or think doesn't matter when the truth is there right inside of me.
Yes, it's a struggle, but I know in my heart the struggle is worth the outcome.

Finding the desire to pray, sit quietly and listen is tough most days though.
A few of my students compare me to Jesus. The only reason they do is because they don't know of anyone else who lives like me or acts like me. Yet I know there are much better people than myself out there.
It's a struggle to not get caught up in material things, like bikes and guns, which are my two hobbies at the moment. If I spent the time talking to God that I do thinking about bikes and guns, well, maybe I'd be able to truly say I do love God.
The more I learn and grow the more I see how I don't love God.
I'm trying, not always hard or hard enough, but I'd at least like to think that I'm trying.
I'm also trying to not compare myself to others. The less of that I do the more humbled I feel.
So I'm Catholic because it's hard. It's not easy living this life when it goes against a great deal of what society preaches and what the world expects from me.
If only I can keep reaching toward heaven and start letting go of this world a little more each day.

Peace all

Today's Youth Are Boring and Headed for Hell

The self-proclaimed atheists do everything they can to try to not fit in with society. They don't look boring with their colored hair, but truly they are. They have no true aspirations in life and only want to "do their own thing" which means follow anything that isn't main stream. Their lives are so boring they spend all day trying to convince themselves they aren't happy even though they have nothing to complain about when it comes to the basics of life. And they'll fight the Catholic faith every chance they get just because it gives them a bit of a rush.
But don't worry, they aren't the only boring ones. The good kids are just as boring these days. Getting so caught up in good grades and getting into the college of their dreams means they live lives so over planned and lacking of any excitement they don't know what actual passion is.
The kids that actually have a passion for something get ostracized for being different and not fitting any one of the acceptable molds.
Parents are so caught up in making money and what society dictates their children should be doing they have no idea what their kids might actually have interests in. It's no wonder the kids have no passions. Parents do all they can to support their kids while failing to teach their kids essentials in life. Families don't spend time together anymore, yet parents complain that their kids schedules are so filled up.  They let their kids pick where they want to go to school and what classes they want to take and at the end of the day their kids have free reign to believe and do whatever they like.

A debate broke out in one of my classes today. A very staunch pro-life student ended up getting hit from all sides by other students who were pro-choice. Everything from "the government has no say in what I do to my body" to "a fetus is not a human" where hurled at her in very nonchalant ways that it was almost unsettling. The grip the culture of death has on a great deal of our youth is scary. Their only passions are self pride and selfishness.

I fear for a lot of souls and don't quite know what I can do.
God help us.

Kinda Just Waiting

I was able to go home for the first time since I moved to Minnesota just recently. Not much has changed at home. Driving around town and visiting with people was familiar and comforting. I've missed home; the mountains, my family, the outdoors, my friends. It was good to be home. 

Of course the thoughts went through my mind of moving back home as soon as possible. Going through multiple lists in head almost on a daily basis I can't say I managed to figure out much. A few I do know though. 

I'm needed where I'm at right now.

Home will always be there.

I just have to be patient and trust.

I'm also kinda just waiting. I hate to say it but I'm kinda just waiting for someone to die.

My grandfather is not doing great. His dementia is slowly getting worse, as it does, and the strain of taking care of him is weighing on my grandmother who still is not asking for help. After him, really anyone might be called to the next life at anytime of my family that is back home. I knew taking this job that it probably be my last opportunity to move farther away while things were still fairly normal at home. 

So I don't regret being where I am. I'm ready to be home but unfortunately it could take a death to get me home. I do not want to leave my teaching job early so I'm praying that thing back home can stay stable enough until I can move back. 

I've lived long enough to know that my best laid plans can get thrown out in the blink of an eye. Therefore, all I can do is keep doing what I'm doing. I have to keep working while I'm waiting, and also keep praying.

Peace all

Increase Our Faith and Lessen Our Emotions

Being a teacher is no easy task these days in America. Having taught for three years I thought I would never teach in a classroom again, but here I am, doing just that. My thoughts on the education system in America do not matter much. Teaching religion gives me plenty of freedom to teach how I so desire. Still it is difficult to break myself out of the routine that our national education system has taught us and even more difficult to get students out. But I'm trying, in small ways.
I know I have many struggles ahead. Already I know that many in my classes have a bad taste in their mouths when it comes to the Catholic faith. Whether it is simply what our society has been "teaching" them about the faith or bad experiences with previous religion teachers or priests, I'm faced with an uphill battle. Many of my students want to discuss the hot button issues. I feel woefully unprepared at the moment but through planning and my own learning I will get to the point where those issues will be discussed.
At mass this evening Father talked about faith and emotions. As Catholics, our faith is based on reason, not emotions. Logic dictates what we believe and emotions, though for the most part good, cannot be the sole foundation for our faith.
To me, this all makes great sense. I heard from another to have a healthy distrust of emotions and the longer I live the more I see how that is true. Emotions are clearly evident in everything my students do. They are being taught by our society that it is only our own emotions that matter. Good or bad, our individual emotions are what should guide our lives. This thing makes me feel good, therefore I should do that. This thing makes me sad or angry, therefore I should hate it and fight against it.

My battle when it comes to discussing the hot button issues with my students will be to remove their emotions from the equation. As of yet I do not know how to do that.
My students seek logic and rationality at the heart of all things, but overwhelmingly emotions and feelings are what grab them and sway them. Is it any wonder why things are the way they are?
In my times of doubt and feelings of being overwhelmed, I ask God to increase my faith and lesson the effect my emotions have on me. I pray that for my students as well.

An Uphill Battle

In my first 3 weeks of being back in the classroom as a teacher I've been reminded many times just how horrible Catholic faith education has been in the last 50 years. I'm honestly surprised I made it through okay. It's truly by the grace of God that He pulled me through things and found ways to teach me the truths of the Catholic faith.  So I know the truths, the goodness and the beauty of the Catholic faith and now it's my job to teach those to a bunch of kids who have not been taught those things very well at all. The few of my students that do have at least a basic understanding of the goodness of the Catholic faith are ones who have parents who have taught them those.
Overall, my students like me, but many don't like the Catholic faith at all. They have many questions but unfortunately many of those questions have never been answered or were answered in ways they didn't like so they stopped caring. Societies grip on many them is very evident and any truth bomb I might drop on them will just turn them father away.
I'm beginning to understand that 70% of my teaching this year has to be about the beauty of the Catholic faith, 20% needs to be the goodness and the last 10% will be the truths. When they are hungry for the truth I'll give it to them and pray it doesn't turn them off.

Here's to a challenging year.
Peace all

Holding Back the Tears

I'm struggling right now. There have already been a few moments today when I've had to fight back the tears as I felt them start to well up.
Today I'm presenting to my classes a bit more about me. I spent last night making a PowerPoint about myself, with pictures and a little poem explaining what I come from. I had to quickly go through the pics with my family because, well, I couldn't cry in front of my students on only the second day of class.
I don't know why I'm struggling so much. I truly believe this is a place where I can do some good, but I miss home, my family, friends and Montana. Right now those feeling are overpowering the excitement I had for being here. The struggle of being a teacher again is hitting me and all my mind can go to is the thought of being back home where I'm comfortable and surrounded with what I know and love.
But I can't go home. I've made a commitment to be here and to be the best teacher I can be for my new students. And honestly I know if I was at home right now I'd be bored and thinking about how I should be somewhere doing something more productive with my life. Knowing that doesn't help me much right now though.
I miss home.

Feelings of Doubt

Well, I did it again. I moved away from home back to Minnesota. Through the whole process I've felt pretty good about my decision. When I got here I was reassured when I both saw and heard how in need this school is of a change in their Theology program. There is another new teacher who I'll be working with and we also got an apartment together so I'm not completely alone.
Still, today had moments that got me down. Nothing that happened externally, just in my own head. Feelings of doubt and missing my family have almost brought me to tears today. They are the same feelings I had when I moved to Minnesota the first time 10 years ago. I held back the tears back then and I'm still able to today, but the feelings still suck.
Luckily, I know from experience that in time things will get better. I'll connect with my roommate/coworker more and get to know my students better. All of that will ease the pain of being away from home again.
I know that Jesus is with me and I'm trying to do His will. There souls here that I'll come in contact with for a reason and I have to trust that. The feeling of being alone won't last and the desire to just be with my family will lessen after I travel home for the first time.
Until then, I'm trying to have a healthy distrust of my emotions and do what Jesus brought me here to do to the best of my ability.
I just wanna cry, but I wont. I'll buck up, trust that I'm where I need to be and do what needs to be done for my students and this new school I'm at.

Peace all

Catholic First

Growing up at a Jesuit parish was not a big deal to me, mostly because I didn't know what being Jesuit meant until later in my high school days. Like many out there, I've read the "Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything" which definitely helped me gain a deeper understanding and appreciation for the Jesuits.
Yesterday was Saint Ignatius Loyola's feast day, which wasn't celebrated due to it being a Sunday. For lots of reasons the Jesuit Order is a part of my life, so these past few days have lead me to do some reflecting on the Order.
Unfortunately my stupidity and overall humanity showed through at the start of this process when I shared a blog article with a friend. The blog talked about how the numbers of Jesuits seem to be declining while the Jesuits themselves report that their numbers are increasing. My friend is lifelong Jesuit educated and is joining the Jesuit Volunteer Corps for the next year, so she's proud of and very defensive of the Jesuits. So I shared the article on her facebook page because that's the easiest way to do it honestly. I didn't expect a response, but she did write a long comment on it, which was very defensive, attacked the author and commented on how she'd have me rather than post it on her wall for all to see have me send it to her in a private message. Clearly I struck a nerve.
I don't like upsetting people, especially friends, but this incident has bothered me. And I guess my humanness is showing because the more I think about this the less I'm upset about making her mad and more frustrated with the current state of the Jesuit Order.
You don't have to be steeped in knowledge of the Catholic Church to notice that Jesuit institutions are frequenting the presses. They are not getting headlines because they are following church teachings, because that it not note worthy in our society. They get headlines and articles because they aren't. Just Google "Georgetown" and "Catholic" and see what pops up.
I'm frustrated because knowing pretty the life of Saint Ignatius I can't imagine he is happy with the way many in his order are conducting themselves.
The article I shared was fine, but the last paragraph is what got me and I much appreciated the point that was made.

This Sunday might be an opportunity for wayward Jesuits — instead of the usual celebration of the great Saint and his Company — to focus attention on the Eucharist and the unity of all the Faithful with the Magisterium of the Church, which should be the foundation for Jesuit education and spirituality. I bet that St. Ignatius would approve.

Many "soldiers for Christ" are not following their calls to lead people to Christ and fight for the side of truth of goodness. I know this from my own personal experience.

At the end of the day my hope is that my friend will take the criticisms of the Jesuits in stride and remember we are all Catholic first, and that means so much more than any order or group we happen to identify with that is man made.

The Adventure Continues

I've been blessed the past two summers to work at a Catholic summer camp on a lake in the mountains of Montana. Rough life, I know.
I'm at it again this summer, trying my best to manage college age camp councilors along with up to 100 campers at a time. There are many challenges but many more rewards. Seeing campers as they get bigger each summer. Being present as sparks of faith ignite. I'm very blessed.
The summer has been busy and somehow in all the craziness I was blessed with a job opportunity. I've accepted a job that will take me away from Montana and family but allow me to keep involved in helping build God's Kingdom.
So here's to continuing the adventure. I've got nothing to worry about because I know Jesus has things taken care of already, I just have to cooperate.

Peace all

What Am I Building?

In the mountains behind my grandparents farm, 7.5 miles back, is a lake that is the headwaters for the creek that runs through the property. I've always wanted to hike into the lake so I finally did it.
Setting out alone I made it to the lake in about 4 hours. I wet my line and 5 nice cutthroat trout later I headed back down.
My legs were tired and feet felt like they were being rubbed raw, but I made it back to the car in 3.5 hours.
As I drove home I turned to the Catholic Channel and listed to two guys who I've actually met and traveled through Israel with, Fr. Dave and Brett. After such a long solitary hike it was nice to hear something I could connect to and what I connected with was what Brett was talking about.
Brett is a few years older than myself. He just recently lost his grandmother, which, as he stated has caused him to reflect on and look at his own life.  He's not married and has lived his life up to this point just doing things for himself, having fun and enjoying life the whole time. What he reflected on was his own family and how his family over many years was built. He seemed to almost feel guilty because his grandmother who he just lost was in a very different situation when she was his age. Looking also at his parents, he noted that his family had built over many years  very loving and caring surroundings through selfless actions and careful planning. But his reflection looked at himself and how he hasn't really built up anything similar to that up to this point.
I very much understood what Brett was getting at. I've been doing the same thing since I hit adulthood and currently there is no end to my current lifestyle. Being 29, single, living at home with only a stable job during the summer months I'm not really building anything for my future at the moment.
That's where I know my faith comes in. Yes, I'd love to have a family and all that goes with it, but that wont happen over night, which is something that Brett noted as well. When the time is right, God will have prepared me for whatever my future holds. There are things I can do, like start saving more money, but all this time my character and personal integrity has been under construction, which isn't a bad thing at all.
When the time is right things will fall into place. I trust in God that I'll be ready when that time comes.

Peace all

I'm Getting To This Point

I'm a very patient person when it comes to a lot of things. Working in retain has given me even more patience to go along with the patience I gained from being a teacher.
Lately I've thought about how impatient I am when it comes to big things. The wait for the big events in life like a new move, a new relationship. When it comes to those things I'm not as patient.
At the moment I'm being impatient but I guess the first step to getting better is recognizing my problem.
I know God has great plans for me. I just need some more patience.

Peace all

Ever Changing Prayer Life

Honestly, I'm a fan of change. Maybe it's a symptom of my restless spirit or a result of whatever wisdom I've been blessed with to see what happens when people are forced to change. Whatever it might be, I like change.
Change is inevitable.
The only guarantees in life are change and taxes. (I think that was said at some point in history)
Of all the things that change in my life it seems to me that how I pray, the length and the frequency of my prayers changes the most.
I could change my genre of music, or my hair style, or my cuisine likes, but no, as a trying-to-be-good Catholic young adult it is my prayer life that is constantly fluctuating. The one thing in my life that I should be working the hardest to maintain. Literally my relationship with God, my prayer life, is ever changing. Sometimes it's great, sometimes it's lacking.
As you can imagine I'm writing this right now because my prayer life is lacking. I'm distracted by worldly things but also going through a dry spell of very few answers. I've gotten nothing but "no"s so far in trying to figure out what direction my life needs to go.
I'm not worried. God and the workings of the Holy Spirit will bring me back into a better relationship Jesus, especially when I start up my summer job. Until then my prayers are short, but I'm trying to make them more frequent.

Peace all

A Year in Review

I know it's only May, but things are coming around full circle for me which has lead me to a good deal of reflecting lately.
I left my job as a youth minister to move home with the intent of going back to school. My childhood dream of being a wildlife biologist was still hanging out there, so I figured why not. After a few classes and the realization that I love wildlife but not all the crap you have to go through to study and work with them, I've moved on from that.
I'll admit that I've missed ministry. With many people I know in ministry having full knowledge that I'm still around I figured I'd still be able to do a bit. But nobody contacted me for help and the closest I got was being a confirmation sponsor. I still don't know how to take that.
So for the past few months I've been searching for direction. I've applied for jobs in the Midwest with the basic knowledge that there are jobs out there and a lot more Catholic young adults. I've formulated a few possibilities of what I can do, but haven't gotten any answers yet.
A couple weeks ago I got a call from my summer time boss who works for the diocese. He told me one of the largest parishes in our diocese was looking for a youth minister and getting to the point of being desperate. He told me that it was kind of a waste that a person with my skills was going unused in our diocese. That was nice to hear. So I called and talked to the priest and talked to my boss some more. Basically this has just added another possible direction I can go.
In the last few weeks I also got some rejections from positions I applied to in the Midwest. Parishes and Bishops like to keep things local as my boss told me. So having not heard from others positions I applied to coupled with the rejections I figured I could count out moving out of Montana. Then this morning I got a call from a priest in the Midwest. We chatted for a bit, mostly me just telling him about myself. He confirmed that it would be a bit of a culture shock for me but I assured him I was up for the challenge. It was difficult to read his thoughts and feelings about me so quickly, but he asked me if I could fly out for an interview next week. I take that as meaning he's interested, but I informed him I wouldn't be able to do that on such short notice. We agreed to set up a time to Skype for next week.
So now I don't know what to do. I've got options, but I don't know how excited I am to move so far away again. If I feel like I'm needed and could do good things in Midwest I feel like I can't count out doing that even though I'd be leaving a lot behind in Montana.

Things will work out. God is teaching me patience, that is for sure.

One awesome thing I was able to do this past year was to compete in Timbersports for my university. We just finished up the season last week. I've been very blessed to be on a team with great people and to be able to learn things that most people never get a chance to experience.

Here's some pics of the crazy things I've done.

Peace all

A Song For All Of Us

This song popped up last as I was falling asleep. Having my ipod on random shuffle through all my music leads to some interesting combinations, but this song stands out on its own. I've actually heard Matt Maher perform it in concert, which was the first time I had heard it. 

Anyway, as Matt put it, it's a love song. He wrote it thinking about his soon to be wife at the time. But as his understanding of the song grew, he began to see that this is a song that Jesus sings to all of us. 

So one day I might sing this song to a beautiful woman, but until then and forever Jesus is singing this song to you and I.

Peace all

Loving Embrace Like No Other

For the first time in while I was asked to be a confirmation sponsor. So last night I found myself sitting in church for a mass I hadn't been to in 12 years. The last time I was at this mass I was an altar server. The year before I had been at the mass for my own confirmation. Our diocese was in between bishops so I was confirmed by the chancellor of the diocese who was a Monsignor. But 12 years ago I was there for the mass as an altar server because my best friend and his girlfriend were getting confirmed. It's a memory I will never forget. Standing to the right of and slightly behind our new bishop, I held the oil of chrism as he confirmed many of my peers, and more importantly my best friend and his future wife.
Last night I was back. This time I was sitting as a sponsor with a wonderful young lady sitting in front of me waiting in anticipation to be confirmed by that same bishop that confirmed by friends 12 years before.
As mass went on, as usual, words of the bishops homily got me thinking. There have been many people I have been praying for recently and the word "embrace" caught my ear. I've never thought much about hugging Jesus, but when I have it was always myself Jesus was embracing. But last night I imagined Jesus embracing those that I've been praying for and that image brought me more joy than I can explain or understand. My mind almost raced as I went through each image in my mind of Jesus lovingly embracing all the people I care so much more, some I've met and some I've never met.
More and more each day I'm coming to understand that I need to place my trust in Jesus and I also need to understand that Jesus loves those that I love infinitely more than I can, so I need to trust in Him when it comes to those that I love.
I long for everyone to experience the loving embrace of Jesus.

Peace all

Being A Lonely Sign

Father said something during his homily this morning that got me thinking. I honestly don't remember much else of what he said, and I can't give a direct quote. He gave a sentence about signs and how they are not meant to be the end goal, they are meant to point to point to something greater.
I get that and it makes total sense to me. When you're driving you don't stop at the sign that tells you where to turn, you turn at the sign and keep going. Signs are meant to direct and even give hope that there is something greater ahead.

This got me thinking about how I've been a sign for others. I sincerely hope that I have been a sign for the youth I've ministered to, hopefully pointing them to God. That is the greatest and most crucial job of the youth minister or theology teacher, or it is for me at least.
But how have I been a sign for others?

Was I pulled into the life of a young mother for almost four months only to be a sign for her that there are good guys out there?
Is my profile on a Catholic dating site just there give hope to women who are searching, but aren't searching as far as Montana?
I'm I destined to continue to be a lonely sign?
Have I been a sign to my friends that trusting in God takes time because I still don't know what to do with my life?
Did I feel the need to come back home only to be a sign to my family that I haven't figured out anything yet but I'm still a good kid?

I just want to be a sign that points to Jesus, but I don't know how I'm being asked to be that sign right now.

Peace all

The Unknowns Are Many

My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it. Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

~Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude

It's good to have friends that know a bit of what you are going through. Another evening and a couple of beers with a good friend led to some good insights and this prayer from Thomas Merton which pretty much sums up my life right now.

The next few months might hold some big changes in my life. I'm looking at jobs in the Mid-west in my field of study. Whether I will get offered a job or not, or if I take said possible offer is a complete unknown to me. The possibility of staying home in Montana also holds many unknowns.

So I'm at a loss, while also trying to do something and hoping I'm doing God's will.

Peace all

Fearful Yet Overjoyed

If you attended daily mass today you've already heard the words "fearful and overjoyed". This is how the Gospel writer Matthew describes the women as they ran from the empty tomb on the morning of Jesus Christ's resurrection.
These days I find myself feeling very much the same way, though sometimes the fearful part approaches that of being too much.
What I will be doing and where I will be come this fall is still very much a mystery to me. I'm very much torn between a desire to continue in ministry, which will take me away from home, and a desire to stay home and help my family.
My sister has been going through some tough things lately. The roommate she had up until recently was nothing but trouble so she is in need of a new one. Also, one of her caretakers has been very flaky and recently turned in her two week notice, so my sister is also looking for another personal care assistant. She's asked me before if I wanted to be her roommate, but right now I can't afford it and would have to move out in a few months anyway for my summer job.
If I do end up staying close to home I could be a good, stable roommate for her come this fall. That would mean I'd have to have a full time job and I wouldn't be able to travel much because she needs someone around every night in case of emergencies. I'm willing to do that, and would love to do that, but I don't know if that's what I need to do.
I'm looking at and applying for jobs in ministry and teaching. None of them are close to home and would require a big move on my part. All of which I'm willing to do.
To get back to it all, I'm fearful that I will make the wrong decision and regret where I am come this fall. Yet, I'm overjoyed at the possibilities that lie ahead of me.
I'm very much torn, while at the same time trying to keep emotions out of this and just let God guide me.

I'm praying the Divine Mercy Novena with the hope that God will give me at least a clear direction to head in.

Peace all

So Lumbersexual Is A Thing

I find this hilarious, mostly because I'm not a lumbersexual, but I kinda look like one sometimes.
I've been training and competing in Timbersports, so I know how to use a chainsaw and how to swing an axe.

This is funny though.

Here's a pick of me using a chainsaw in competition, on a pole 5 feet about the ground.

Peace all

Online Dating Article Too Funny?

I enjoy Eye of the Tiber. If you have a sense of humor, it's really funny.
A friend posted this article on the book face.
On-line dating is tough, there is no doubt about that. When I started off on the on-line dating route I'll admit I was almost as bad as the guy in the article.  I had high hopes of finding a beautiful and pure Catholic woman. There are many out there, don't get me wrong. I even met one, messed things up, had a second chance, but decided against it because of our mutual lack of openness to whatever the future might hold. Everything was there, but I couldn't do it because we both had different thoughts. So I've never been as bad as the guy in the article, but it has taken me a while, and a lot of humbling moments to get me to where I am now.
My past isn't spotless. There are many things I'm not proud to admit. So in that sense, I will never hold a persons past against them. My hope is that they have learned from their mistakes, as I have mine, as well as sought forgiveness from God, which is an ongoing process for me. Before a few years ago I had no desire to date anyone who had children. That was solely a pride thing. If I was going to marry someone I wanted to be the first person they'd ever be with. This is the exact mind set as the guy in the article, and I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I even had those thoughts.
However, attraction is still a major part of dating and discerning marriage, should dating a person ever get to that point. Unfortunately with on-line dating, you might only have access to one picture of a person and from that you can, or have to, make a lot of decisions. I've almost agonized over what picture I would have on my profile. Being terribly un-photogenic, its tough trying to pick out that one picture that I think makes me look desirable to the opposite sex. I know that my look is not going to be attractive to all women. But for my own searching, there are looks that I'm attracted to. I'm attracted to women who look healthy, who are smiling in there picture and have the confidence to even put a picture of themselves up on a profile. There are women though who I immediately do not find attractive. I don't automatically count them out, but I also don't seek to make a connection if I don't find them attractive at first.
(I actually can't really make any connection on my own, since I don't pay for the site I use)
So, basically I wore this to try to convince myself that I'm not as shallow as I think I am. A prayer that I need to pray more often is to ask God for help is loving people as He loves them and to see others as He sees them.
The search continues, but the search for God and His will for my life is the most important search I'm doing right now.

Peace all

God's Love For Each of Us

There are no shortage of love songs out there. At different times in my life it's been hard to listen to any of them. Though at other times they were all I wanted to listen to.
As what happens many times when I'm inspired to write, a thought hit me today. A song that my college girlfriend introduced me to. She actually put it on a CD playlist for me, back when people did that did that sort of thing. The song seemed to fit us perfectly, until it didn't.
This song honestly does not fit any relationship. It shouldn't take us finding the perfect someone to know that God loves us. But of course it's a catchy song and a feel good song. I fell right into that. Thinking someone was so perfect for me that of course that means God loves. To think that knowing God loves for you is dependent on you finding your "soul mate" is laughable. I don't even know if I believe in soul mates, for that's been covered, a few years ago I think.
What I guess I'm getting at is the simple truth that God loves us. He loves each of us more than we can imagine and nothing we do will increase or decrease that love. The sad thing is so many people don't know this or have a hard time believing it.
Love songs are nice and all, but God's love can never be summed up in a song, and neither can a healthy human relationship for that matter.

My Own Letter To My Future Wife

Hi,
I'm not much for words, or at least great ones. Writing is not one of my strong suits, but I can write from the heart, which is what I am attempting to do here.
If you are out there somewhere I hope you are doing well, and enjoying life to its fullest.
Life on this earth is short, but it can be wonderful. You weren't made for this world though, so please keep your eyes on heaven, first and foremost.
Jesus loves you more than I ever could or will be able to. Hopefully I will get the opportunity to love you as much as I can some day. I do love you very much already, and I am praying for you. Until that day comes when we get a chance to meet, please keep your thoughts on God and your trust in His will. We will meet someday, if it's God's will, so don't worry and don't fret.
I'll be honest, I've struggled at times. I've never lost hope that you might be out there, but I also haven't always done my best to be prepared for you. At times I thought I had met you, only to be shown that I was wrong. A certain addiction has hurt me very badly, along with many of my relationships. I'm recovering and thanks to God's grace I have a renewed strength to not fall into old sins, or bad habits and thoughts.
I'm sure you have struggled too. Please do not be ashamed of your failings and faults. Whatever you've been through has made you who you are today and I will never judge you for what your past contains.
Just to be clear, I have no desire to be the man you need. You need God first and foremost. My hope is that I will be the man you want.
Again, you are in my thoughts and prayers every day. I ask St. Joseph to pray for you every night. He is the example of the type of man I want to be, so I trust in his prayers for you.
I hope you are praying for me too, because I can sure use them. I'm doing my best to trust in God and His will for my life. The desire to be in a relationship is strong, but I know I must be patient and trust in God that when the time is right He will bring us together.
In the mean time, please keep running towards God. His love is the most important thing in your life and getting to heaven needs to be your first goal. Hopefully we'll get the chance to help each other reach heaven, and God willing, maybe even some children.
I'm doing my best to be patient. I'm always looking for you and if I know the tiny bit about God that I think I know, we'll probably meet when we both least expect it. I don't know that for sure though, only God does.
Until the that exciting day comes when we meet, please know that I've been praying for you for a while, and that I will continue to do so.

Peace and grace be with you, my future wife

Video #2 - Deliver Me

Another song, and I don't look so pissed off this time!

The Need for Fertilizer

And he told them this parable: “There once was a person who had a fig tree planted in his orchard, and when he came in search of fruit on it but found none, he said to the gardener, ‘For three years now I have come in search of fruit on this fig tree but have found none. [So] cut it down. Why should it exhaust the soil?’ He said to him in reply, ‘Sir, leave it for this year also, and I shall cultivate the ground around it and fertilize it; it may bear fruit in the future. If not you can cut it down.’” Luke 13: 6-9

This has been one of my favorite parables since my cooperating teacher taught about it during my student teaching. It's a pretty easy parable to understand as far as Jesus' parables go, for those of us who know what the old fashioned fertilizer is.
Crap happens. Sometimes we need to be fertilized a bit for us to start bearing fruit. Fertilizer can show up in many different forms, but it will always help us to bear great fruit.

I had dinner with a friend last night. She was a part of my youth group and now she's in college and doing well. It was great talking with her and a good reminder to me that quite often age has nothing to do with the ability to have spiritual insight. I'm not very good at being a good friend or reaching out to people when I really should talk though something. I have great friends, and last night was a great reminder that God has placed wonderful people in my life for a reason.

Peace all

My Hometown

Pretty neat promo video for my hometown. Enjoy!

First Song Video

I promise I don't look this depressed all the time. This is the first video I've done in a few years and the first one I've ever posted on my blog. Again, its a bit uncomfortable for me to video myself, especially while playing and singing, so don't judge too harshly. I'll hopefully post some better ones in the future.

You'll Never

You'll never...

• be happy if you stay on this path
• find true happiness 
• be able to not worry about things
• live up to God's expectations
• be good enough for her

I went to reconciliation today. As I drove to work this morning I made sure I remembered that I had to go this weekend, I couldn't be selfish again. 

Sitting face to face with Father we had a good conversation. I shared how it seems like everything I do hits a wall and at the end of it all I'm left wondering what happened. 

Father shared how I need to look back, not at the wall, the crash and burn, but rather at what happened right before that. What I need to do is look at what led up to the crash. 

Where the devil leads a us astray is when we start to believe the statements that have finality to them. The statements I listed at the beginning of this post are ones I started to believe at one point or another in my life. The first one is the one I've struggled with the most I'll admit. 

As Father explained it, the devil tries to get us to believe these statements. That's the only manipulative power the devil has. Through God and His grace, all things are possible though. The statements of finality have no place in God's plan for our lives. I've never thought about it like that before, but it makes sense. 

I know through God all things are possible, so as I continue each day striving to do His will, I can't let these statements of finality get me down.

Peace all

Don't Let One Good Desire Become Your Ultimate Desire

As a young adult Catholic my ultimate desire is God. Do I live my life in a way that reflects that always? No, I do not. 

I've had lots of good desires throughout my life. They were of course inspired by God so there has been nothing wrong is any of my good desires. Where I went wrong is when I put a singular good desire above others. Looking back I've probably done that many times. Many times those where also largely selfishly motivated. 

It's easier to go after something that you know is good, but it's harder to keep God at the forefront when that good desire is also a little bit selfish. 

If I knew how to not be selfish living the life that Jesus needs me to would be so much easier. But I do think about myself more than I know I should. Of course I think of others, but it's never enough and never will be enough until I'm in heaven. 

At the moment the best way I know to desire God's will over my own is going day by day. It's not easy, and my own thoughts and dreams still flood my mind all the time. Putting my good desires in perspective is a good realization for me though. Those good desires are truly good, but God's desires for me are better, actually the best, so I can't hold those good desires up as the ultimate. God needs to be my ultimate desire and I pray these other desires will lead me to Him.

Peace all

We're All Screw-Ups, But That's No Excuse

Thinking of myself first is one of my many faults. My selfishness shows its ugly face in a huge way every once in a while. Like this weekend when I had a chance to get to Reconciliation for the first time in a little while, but instead I raced off to a sale to buy a gun I wanted. The downside of working at a gun counter is that I now have a new and growing collection. But I didn't have to go right then. I had planned on getting to reconciliation right after I got off work. That day my selfishness came out and I didn't even think about reconciliation until later that night. I got mad at myself, said "sorry" to God and continued on my current spiritual slump. 

Today as I was driving a thought hit me about my relationship troubles that happened around the new year. I've been blaming myself for everything that happened. I don't know if that is being selfish or not, but it kinda feels like that. Not a bad selfishness maybe, but selfish nonetheless. I've put all the responsibility for how things ended on myself and what I did and said.  As I thought about it though, maybe it wasn't all my fault. 

I thought I was doing the right thing and maybe God was pulling me in a certain direction. When I explained my possible plans the reaction I got completely threw me off. As a result a relationship ended and I was left blaming myself for that ending. That's what's tough about relationships and something I've not put much thought into. For a relationship to work both people have to be following the will of God. If one person is following God's will but the other isn't, there is very little chance of the relationship working out. This doesn't ease the pain or make me really feel any better about what happened. It does give me a new perspective on relationships though. Falling into the actions of selfishness in thinking this was all my fault probably wasn't the best way for me to handle what happened, but I also didn't want to put any blame on a person who I didn't want to have any negative thoughts about. There are no negative thoughts, only a more fervent desire to pray for this special person and hope that she was right and I was wrong. 

No matter who was truly following God's will doesn't matter now; all is in the past. Each day is about living out God's will, which is how it should have always been. 

I've messed many things up, and will continue to. But others mess up to, and I need to remember that. We live in a world where every person has there struggles. That's not an excuse for my own failings. 

Peace all

Moving On Each Day

What's the old saying... moving on is hard to do?

Yea, it is. But move on we must. 

There is no magic formula, no path of least resistance or switch that can be flipped to help a person move on. Would it be great if you could just forget some things from your past? Heck yes it would, but life doesn't work that way. Those events in your past, those people you met, well, you experienced them for a reason and you encountered those people for a reason. 

Life has slapped me across the face so many times you'd think I would be able to see the stinging palm on its way to my sometimes clean shaven face. But nope, I continue to get my hopes up, lose sight of God a little bit and end up running back to Him for some kind of guidance or simply just some help. 

Each time this happens, all I can do is move on. I stop dwelling on the past so much as time goes by. I start looking for other things to occupy my thoughts. And if the general pattern remains, I end up, after a few months, back to asking what happened. 

I'm going to try and not do that this time. My goal is to move on, but in moving on I'll place everything in God's loving arms. What I'm beginning to understand is this is a daily thing. Each day is all I have. Whatever God presents to me is what I'll have that day. I can think about the future a bit, I hope, but I can't fret and I can't keep looking back thinking "what might have been?". 

This makes me think of a song I listened to a lot when I made a huge move in my life.

Here's to moving on!

Peace all

Dear Future Wife

This was written by Benedict Hince, another blogger, so I cannot take any credit for it. Everything he has written in this letter is spot on and are things that I am also trying to do on a daily basis. I am not a great writer at all so I'm glad others out there are able to put into words thoughts and feelings that are on my heart as well.

Dear Future Wife,

It’s funny to write this letter, and yet not know if you will ever read it…

Because where should I send it? I have no address for you. No phone number on which to contact you. Facebook and WhatsApp are of no use, and Skype and Instagram will not reveal your face to me… Uber cannot drive me to your door, and I know not where to book the train ticket to so that I may give it to you in person.

And yet, although we may not have met, I want you to know that I am here. That I have a phone number and a Facebook profile. I have a world – friends, family, hobbies, and interests – and I am looking towards the moment when our worlds shall meet, the moment when we get to open up our worlds to one another, and grow together in love.

I want you to know that I am waiting and that, already, I have chosen you. I have chosen you over all the false images of life and love that have been pumped into our culture. Because all these false images – the promiscuity, the egocentricity – none of them are able to inflame my heart a fraction of that which the thought of you does, the thought of one day being able to give my whole self to you in unconditional love.

But there’re some things I need you to know. I’m not perfect. I’m just a normal guy who is trying to choose to live out authentic love each day – along with many other normal guys who are doing the same – we are out there! And sometimes it’s really difficult. You need to know that I’m not going to save you, I know my weaknesses all too well, and I am no savior. But there is One who is our Savior. And I hope that you have met Him already. Even though I do not know you by name, He does. And I hope that wherever you are, you know that you are loved by Him infinitely more perfectly than I will ever manage.

I want you to know that I talk to God about you. As He loves you face to face now, I pray that I may also love you face to face. He is teaching me each day in small ways what it will take to love, and to lay down my life for you. In Him I see how to love authentically, and I choose to love you.

And so, I will continue to keep a watchful guard over my soul, that one day you will trust me and allow me to guard and protect yours too. By the grace of God I will lead you to heaven.

But that time is not yet. And I don’t want you to worry about how long it may be until we meet. I need you now to be running towards God, to run with Him. One day I will run with you, but please don’t wait to meet me before you start, for it will only be as we are both running towards God, with our gazes fixed upon Him, that our paths will cross. Know that I am running towards Him; however, know that it is often more of a 3000 meter hurdle race for me, than a 100 meter sprint, and that although I may come out of this a bit battered and bruised, in Him I will be made strong and ready for you.

Dear Future Wife, wherever you may be, know that love is a choice, and although I do not yet know who you are, and I do not know the things that make you smile or the things that make you laugh, or the things you find difficult or painful – know that I have chosen to love you. And that I will find you as we run side by side into the arms of Our Heavenly Father.

I hope that you are safe. I hope that you know that you are loved, and that you are immensely precious to my heart, and to the heart of God. May your Guardian Angel keep watch over you.

Please pray for me.

Your Future Husband

Peace all

Meat and Mortal Sin

I will never claim to be an expert on the Catholic faith. Do I know the faith better than most Catholics? Yes, but only because I studied it in college and received a degree in teaching it. I continue to learn about the faith almost daily and I'm thankful for that.
So many things the Catholic Church teaches are black and white. Things that are clearly a sin, teachings of the church that are not going to change, things like like. I understand all of this and it is largely because of this that I love my Catholic faith so much. The Catholic faith has an answer for everything, and they all make sense if you take the time to fully understand the Church's reasoning.
With that in mind, a friend called me the other day. She had a question about eating meat of Friday's during Lent. She, like many Catholics didn't really know why the Church has us abstain from meat on Fridays, so I did my best to relay my understanding.
I told her that we abstain from meat on Fridays first and foremost to remember Jesus Christ's sacrifice that he made for us. His flesh and bone was whipped, beaten, spit on and finally hung on a cross until his body gave its last breath. In our abstaining from meat on Fridays during Lent we are called to remember that ultimate sacrifice made for all humankind. It's a small thing to ask, but a great spiritual discipline and reminder of what is truly the most important part of our life, that God loves us so much that He would die for us.
This was my understanding. Thinking the Lenten fast was simply a spiritual discipline we as Catholics were called to participate in to the best of our ability. And I told her it wasn't a sin to eat meat on Friday.
As I researched the topic, I find that I'm mostly right, but I was also not fully aware of gravity of the Lenten fast the Church calls us to.
My new understanding is that it can actually be a mortal sin to eat meat on Friday as long as the three conditions for a mortal sin are met, i.e. grave matter, full knowledge and deliberate consent. So if a Catholic knowingly eats meat on a Friday during Lent that can be a mortal sin.
For most Catholics, I don't think this will ever be the case since most Catholics are no where close to having full knowledge of their faith.
My friend wondered because she has a big fancy dinner she has to go to. As a mom who rarely gets out she is excited for the event and really wants to make a night of it with her husband. Being from Montana she of course wants to have a nice steak for her meal, but the dinner is on a Friday during Lent. So I gave her my understanding and she felt better. I made sure to fully explain that the reason to abstain is to remember Christ and his sacrifice. She felt better about her decision.

I know now that I could have given her a better understanding of what the Church actually teaches. I'm sure she would still choose to eat the steak though, and that's between her and God now.
It comes down to believing in the God given authority of the Catholic Church. It is a rule that during Lent we are to abstain from eating meat, so this is more than just a spiritual discipline. Will most Catholics ever come to this understanding? Probably not, because many priests don't even fully understand this, or if they do they choose to water it down.
So I guess all I can do is chock this up as a learning experience and trust that God will understand my failure and not hold it against me or my friend.
I'm blessed that I can continue to learn about this amazing faith.

Peace all

Is It Even Possible?

I've been reading "Abandonment to Divine Providence" by Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade. The first line of Section VII- Trust in the Guidance of God goes like this..."The docile soul will not seek to learn by what road God is conducting it".
What?!
Later on I read "This soul, therefore, is urged on without perceiving the path traced out before it".
Great, so what do I do then? Do I literally need to just not plan anything and go day by day?
That honestly sounds great, but don't I need to do something? Should I not be looking at possible jobs or places where I can go and get a full time job in a profession I'm trained in and have experience in? Is God going to send me some divine intervention of a job I should apply for or instructions of what I need to do?
Spiritually I understand this. To follow God's will means to daily follow His will and take each day as it comes. I shouldn't look to the future with worry but with excitement. But I can look ahead with my own plans in mind. That is so hard to do for me right now. It feels like all I'm doing right now is looking ahead to what is next. That's why I've applied for jobs. Past that I haven't done anything though. If I'm offered one of those jobs do I take that as a sign that that is the way God wants me to go? Or by the simple fact that I've done something in order to plan my future have I screwed everything up?

I just so badly want to do God's will but I so badly want to know also, so I'm struggling right now. I don't know what to prepare for. If I should be looking for a job I need to be doing that between now and May. What do I need to do? Where is the balance of prayer and action?
The internal struggle goes on as I try to follow God's will each day.

Peace all

I Needed This

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another. To be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But to a Christian, God says, "no, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone. With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me. With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone. Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united to another until you are united with Me. Exclusive of anyone or anything else. Exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. Just wait, that's all. Don't be anxious, don't worry, don't look around at things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don't look around at the things you think you want, just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could dream of. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with Me. And this is perfect love. And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I Am God. Believe it and be satisfied."

Saint Anthony of Padua

When Family Time is Tough

My grandfather is on his way to full blown dementia. He's not too far gone yet, but watching the slow slide is not an easy thing for any of us.
Leaving the house is an ordeal for him and my grandmother. Being away from his house at all is tough. When he's at our house it's not long before he's ready to leave and head home. I know my grandmother needs to get out of the house, but it's such a struggle with him.
Tonight they came over for the Super Bowl. My grandpa used to be a big football fan, but he has no interest in much of anything anymore. He does like to talk sometimes, and that is always something that makes me nervous. He'll tell old stories, ones we've all heard before. I don't know why, but he likes to tell stories about his interactions with black people. This seems to go along with his tendency to be very crude lately. Saying racist or just mean things, always with a laugh from him, are getting more common. He also likes to make comments about my dad. Sometimes he says nice things, usually when he doesn't happen to be around my dad. But as soon as he is around my dad his comments become crude.
With the amount medications he's taking he also has, I guess you could say, bathroom problems. He has to wear an adult diaper and his smell is not a pleasant one. I know my grandmother does her best to keep him clean, but when they leave the house there isn't much she can do.
We've told her that when she needs help she needs to let us know. Hopefully she will, and hopefully my family will be able to step up and help however we can.
This is another aspect of my life that I have to give up to God in a lot of ways. My grandpa is healthy enough that he could live for a while longer. Sometimes I also get the hint that he's more aware of what is going on than we think he does. Also, watching some in my family treat him like a child is tough.
So many things to offer up to God, and all I know to do is act with compassion and love towards him and my grandma. Time with my grandpa is getting tough, but I know it's important, for all of us.

Lord, you take care of it, Your will be done.

Peace all

He Thirsts for Me

"It is true. I stand at the door of your heart, day and night. Even when you are not listening, even when you doubt it could be Me, I am there. I await even the smallest sign of your response, even the least whispered invitation that will allow Me to enter.

And I want you to know that whenever you invite Me, I do come – always, without fail. Silent and unseen I come, but with infinite power and love, and bringing the many gifts of My Spirit. I come with My mercy, with My desire to forgive and heal you, and with a love for you beyond your comprehension – a love every bit as great as the love I have received from the Father ("As much as the Father has loved me, I have loved you…" (Jn. 15:10) I come - longing to console you and give you strength, to lift you up and bind all your wounds. I bring you My light, to dispel your darkness and all your doubts. I come with My power, that I might carry you and all your burdens; with My grace, to touch your heart and transform your life; and My peace I give to still your soul.

I know you through and through. I know everything about you. The very hairs of your head I have numbered. Nothing in your life is unimportant to Me. I have followed you through the years, and I have always loved you – even in your wanderings. I know every one of your problems. I know your needs and your worries. And yes, I know all your sins. But I tell you again that I love you – not for what you have or haven’t done – I love you for you, for the beauty and dignity My Father gave you by creating you in His own image. It is a dignity you have often forgotten, a beauty you have tarnished by sin. But I love you as you are, and I have shed My Blood to win you back. If you only ask Me with faith, My grace will touch all that needs changing in your life, and I will give you the strength to free yourself from sin and all its destructive power.

I know what is in your heart – I know your loneliness and all your hurts – the rejections, the judgments, the humiliations, I carried it all before you. And I carried it all for you, so you might share My strength and victory. I know especially your need for love – how you are thirsting to be loved and cherished. But how often have you thirsted in vain, by seeking that love selfishly, striving to fill the emptiness inside you with passing pleasures – with the even greater emptiness of sin. Do you thirst for love? "Come to Me all you who thirst…" (Jn. 7: 37). I will satisfy you and fill you. Do you thirst to be cherished? I cherish you more than you can imagine – to the point of dying on a cross for you.

I Thirst for You. Yes, that is the only way to even begin to describe My love for you. I THIRST FOR YOU. I thirst to love you and to be loved by you – that is how precious you are to Me. I THIRST FOR YOU. Come to Me, and I will fill your heart and heal your wounds. I will make you a new creation, and give you peace, even in all your trials I THIRST FOR YOU. You must never doubt My mercy, My acceptance of you, My desire to forgive, My longing to bless you and live My life in you. I THIRST FOR YOU. If you feel unimportant in the eyes of the world, that matters not at all. For Me, there is no one any more important in the entire world than you. I THIRST FOR YOU. Open to Me, come to Me, thirst for Me, give me your life – and I will prove to you how important you are to My Heart.

Don’t you realize that My Father already has a perfect plan to transform your life, beginning from this moment? Trust in Me. Ask Me every day to enter and take charge of your life. – and I will. I promise you before My Father in heaven that I will work miracles in your life. Why would I do this? Because I THIRST FOR YOU. All I ask of you is that you entrust yourself to Me completely. I will do all the rest.

Even now I behold the place My Father has prepared for you in My Kingdom. Remember that you are a pilgrim in this life, on a journey home. Sin can never satisfy you, or bring the peace you seek. All that you have sought outside of Me has only left you more empty, so do not cling to the things of this life. Above all, do not run from Me when you fall. Come to Me without delay. When you give Me your sins, you gave Me the joy of being your Savior. There is nothing I cannot forgive and heal; so come now, and unburden your soul.

No matter how far you may wander, no matter how often you forget Me, no matter how many crosses you may bear in this life; there is one thing I want you to always remember, one thing that will never change. I THIRST FOR YOU – just as you are. You don’t need to change to believe in My love, for it will be your belief in My love that will change you. You forget Me, and yet I am seeking you every moment of the day – standing at the door of your heart and knocking. Do you find this hard to believe? Then look at the cross, look at My Heart that was pierced for you. Have you not understood My cross? Then listen again to the words I spoke there – for they tell you clearly why I endured all this for you: "I THIRST…"(Jn 19: 28). Yes, I thirst for you – as the rest of the psalm – verse I was praying says of Me: "I looked for love, and I found none…" (Ps. 69: 20). All your life I have been looking for your love – I have never stopped seeking to love you and be loved by you. You have tried many other things in your search for happiness; why not try opening your heart to Me, right now, more than you ever have before.

Whenever you do open the door of your heart, whenever you come close enough, you will hear Me say to you again and again, not in mere human words but in spirit. "No matter what you have done, I love you for your own sake Come to Me with your misery and your sins, with your troubles and needs, and with all your longing to be loved. I stand at the door of your heart and knock. Open to Me, for I THIRST FOR YOU…"

"Jesus is God, therefore His love, His Thirst, is infinite. He the creator of the universe,
asked for the love of His creatures.
He thirst for our love… These words:
‘I Thirst’ – Do they echo in our souls?” Mother Teresa

I found this on the Laudate app.

Peace all

Changed and Sent

Over the last 40 days I've changed a lot. My life hasn't changed much, especially to someone from the outside looking in, but to me it has.
For almost 4 months I was woken up by a text. Now, it's just my cell phone alarm.
For almost 4 months I didn't feel so alone, and my heart raced when I got a text message. Now, my heart still races when my phone goes off, but then reality sets in.
That's the bad of it all.
I've changed for the good though, through the grace of God.
My prayer life is better, I'm going to mass more, and overall I'm just thinking about God more and more. Just a few months ago I didn't really have a whole lot of direction in my life. I was just a guy living at home and going to school. Now, I'm trying my hardest to place all my trust in God to allow Him to start leading me.
All of that is a good thing. The pain of losing a friend, someone I grew to care about deeply, really sucks, but the good outweighs the bad, if I can even call it bad. Pain changes a person, but with God's help, that change will be for the better.
In todays Gospel, Jesus sends out the Twelve, two by two. He gives them instructions on what to take and what not to take, and that's about it. He tells them to "stay in a house until you leave from there", which to my ears isn't really an instruction at all. The point of it all, as Father brought up at mass this morning is that Jesus doesn't tell them what to do. The Twelve are simply sent already with the knowledge of what they need to do and that is to follow the will of God. They do God's work without direct instruction.
Father put it this way. When we enter a church, especially our home parish, we know what to do. We know where to sit, we know when to stand, when to sing and when to say our prayers. We need to do that with all of the world, in every moment of our lives. That is what the Twelve did. They went out into the world with great joy and did great works for God. We can all do the same if we go out into the world trusting in God, with a joyful attitude, knowing He will guide us.
That's what I'm trying to do, and I will do. I'm waiting to be sent though.

Send me Lord where you need me to go. I'll trust in you and go where you need me, joyfully knowing you are in control.

Seeds of Doubt

Has everything that's happened in the past month just been something I need to just brush off so I can keep doing what I was doing?

I spoke with a friend tonight who has me questioning everything I've put myself through this past month. 

Do I need to stay home and continue going to school? I don't see any benefit in doing that as far as my future goes. But is that the point?

Getting a job in a field I'm already qualified in is very doable, but is that being selfish and just a way for me to continue trying to push my own will?

I'm seriously frustrated.

I want to do God's will, but I don't know what that is!!!!

Am I acting too quickly, based solely off of the emotional roller coaster I've been through this past month? 

I refuse to "what if"my situation. This is where I'm at right now, and what's done is done. But where do I go from here, or do I go anywhere?

Just when I felt like I had something, I'm back to square one.

Please God, give me a hint, or something, please!

Everyone Deserves My Love

I'm not sure what made me think about this at mass this morning. It shouldn't be a surprise that as a young, single guy I think about relationships a lot. Having been called a "good guy" my whole life, often I was placed in the friend zone growing up and even as I've gotten older I've felt that stigma a bit, whether it was there or not.
My closeness to God and my desire to be a righteous and upright man have been a grace from God, and many people notice that and admire that in me. My hope everyday is to radiate God's love and through God's grace I hopefully do that a little more each day. I'm far from perfect though, but in a world where men are failing in their calls to be actual men, by the grace of God I stand out a bit.
I wonder though, if any of my past relationships didn't feel worthy of being with a "good guy" like me?
I truly hope not. But if so, all I can say is everyone is deserving of my love, simply because of God and his love.
If I offer my friendship or a desire for a deeper relationship, especially today, it's because of God. I have so much love to give because God has been trying to overflow my heart with His love continually throughout my life.
Everyone that God brings into my life is deserving of my friendship and love.
I'm not afraid of love or giving my life to someone, and whomever God has heading my way in the future will know she is deserving of my love, because of God. That brings me a great deal of comfort when I think about that.

Peace all

My Mini-Saul Moments

We've all had moments when we've been knocked on our butts. One of mine happened just recently, and like Saul, it happened because I thought I was doing what I should be doing. I wanted to get things moving, for fear of losing something, so I pushed too far and ended up on my butt, bruised, sore and sad. Saul thought he was doing what he was supposed to be doing also. As a Pharisee, a leader in the Jewish community, he thought he needed to do all he could to stop the followers of the Way (what early Christians were called). He struck fear into the hearts of the followers of Christ and left a path of destruction wherever he went, until he headed to Damascus. I can't imagine what went through his mind when he heard the voice of Christ completely rock his whole world. The greatest challenge for him might have been the fact that after he was blinded he had to turn to those he was persecuting for help. That must have been a deeply humbling experience. After hearing the voice of Christ and then being blinded by a great light, Saul must have felt like anything was possible from that moment on though.
I had many a moment when I've been knocked on my butt, and I'm sure I will continue to have them. Saul did amazing things after he turned his life completely over to Jesus. I know I can as well, I just have to be patient.

Peace all

Humility and the Guitar

I picked up the guitar a year after high school. My best friend got one and started playing, so I got a bass thinking it would be cool to play with him. I wasn't focused enough as an 18 year old to teach myself the bass so I got rid of that. But when I transferred to a new college after my first year, I signed up for a guitar class and I've been playing off and on ever since.
I'm not a great guitar player, but I can make some music sound pretty good.
The guitar is a very humbling instrument to learn and continue on with. I know I'm not great at it, but people who don't play guitar are quick to tell me I sound good. That's nice to hear, and like I said, I think there are some songs I can do well. Still, when I play with people who are skilled at the guitar I feel very inadequate. I have a lot to learn still, even having played for nearly a decade now. There are things that I learned just starting off that I'm great at playing, because I played them many times. New songs are tougher, especially if there are new chords or fingerings that I need to learn. Getting my fingers to move in different ways or to different configurations that I've never placed them in before requires a lot of practice to finally get down. It's very similar to my prayer life. I'm good at some prayers and I've got certain times down pat for prayer time. But I've got a lot of improving to do.
I'm glad I play the guitar and I'm thankful for how it humbles me every time I pick it up, just like how I'm humbled every time I pray.

When I think of God I feel very humble and lowly. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly He's calling me to. The waiting is the worst part of course, and I've gone through this before, but this time is different. For the first time I feel like I'm truly open to going anywhere God will lead me. But can I just sit back and pray for something to happen? What actions do I need to take? If I feel like I might be being pulled in one direction, how do I know that's God and not my own desires? I've still got my own desires that I'm trying to lesson, but how much of those desires are ones God has placed on my heart and in turn ones I'm being called to follow?

So many questions, but in time I know I'll get some answers.

Peace all

For All Mothers

Today is an important day, so I have some prayers.

I pray for all those who have had abortions, that God will bring them healing and mercy.
I pray for all those who have been aborted, their lives cut short, that they may be in the fullness of God's presence in heaven.
I pray for those who have forced mothers to have abortions, for whatever reasons, that they may seek mercy and forgiveness.
I pray for all those who have performed and assisted in abortions, and that continue to do so, that they may turn from their ways and understand the value that all life has, no matter what stage it is at.
I pray for those who have survived abortion attempts, that they can show mercy and speak out for the value of life.
Lastly, I pray for mothers who chose life, that God will provide for them in their struggles and reassure them that by choosing life they have greatly blessed our world.

My life has been touched by women on both sides of this struggle. I think it's important to remember though, especially for the pro-life movement, that support for life can't end after the child is born. There are homeless and needy children all over our country and our world. They continue to have dignity and need our support just as much as children still in the womb do.

Mary, please pray for all mothers, especially on this day, and pray for all of us who have the ability to support mothers and their children.

Finally, this is a song that's been going through my head a lot lately, and if you've been reading any of my posts of the last few weeks you'll know why.

Peace all

Take It All, Lord

When you surrender to God, you're supposed to surrender everything. Of course, this is easier said than done.
Like a lot of things, this should be an easy concept to understand, but I guess I'm special. It hit me today as I was riding my fat bike home from a workout. I'm not giving up everything. There are dreams that I'm still holding onto, ones that I don't want to let go of. I need to though. Surrender to God means I have to give everything to God. He has my future figured out so if I keep holding onto what I want and the dreams I've developed, then I'm just torturing myself.
Yea, I'm still going to think about those dreams, but I can't hold onto them any more. I need to give them up and trust in God.

Peace all

Facing the Facts

Facts:

• I love God to the best of my ability 
• I desire to do His will
• I have a desire to give my life and love to a family
• I can't support a family right now
• I'm 28, going on 29 years old
• I have a college degree
• I'm living at home working a part time job
• I can literally go anywhere in the world, there is nothing holding me anywhere

I honestly do have a desire to have a family. Being able to share my life with someone is something I do long for and a desire that I believe God has put on my heart. With so many of my friends starting families and growing their families, I do have a deeper understanding of what it means to have a family in today's world. So I'm somewhat prepared in every way to have a family except financially. This has already lead to a massive disruption in one relationship. That relationship might not be over, but all that remains there at this moment is hope, and little else. I'd still do anything to give that relationship a chance, but that isn't up to me at right now, that's in God's hands and her's.
The facts are I'm going on 30, I have a strong desire to give myself and my love to a family, and I can go anywhere that I can get a job. I know God will lead me where He needs me to go, and the kinda scary thing is, that could be anywhere. Though I am still holding onto a hope that I'll be lead in a certain direction, I'm trying not to let that overwhelm my thinking and prayer.

God, increase my eagerness to do your will and lead me where you need me to go

Doing What I Can

I'm reading a book called "Abandonment to Divine Providence" by Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade.
This quote from the book sums up exactly my goal.

"whatsoever You will. The mind prefers one thing, the body another, but, Lord, I desire nothing but to accomplish Your holy will. Work, contemplation or prayer whether vocal or mental, active or passive; the prayer of faith or of understanding; that which is distinguished in kind, or gifted with universal grace: it is all nothing Lord unless made real and useful by Your will. It is to Your holy will that I devote myself and not to any of these things, however high and sublime they may be, because it is the perfection of the heart for which grace is given, and not for that of the mind."

It's a great read so far. I'm not trying to rush through it. I'll read something and if it doesn't sink in I'll read it again. At this point I'm doing what I can do to try do discern God's will for my life. This is reading is helping, but there's always more I can do.

Peace all

Mary and Her Nudge

I love the story of the Wedding Feast at Cana. It's the first miracle, or as the author John says, sign, after which the disciples began to believe.
I've always liked the back and forth between Jesus and Mary. The last words of Mary in the Bible are in this story, "do whatever he tells you". These words she tells to the servant, but she also tells them to all of us. We're all called to do whatever her son tells us to do.
Today I thought about Mary's first words in this story and the connection she had and continues to have with her son. Mary knows Jesus better than any other human ever has or ever will. Did she use this as a time to give him a wink and a nudge to start off his ministry? I have this image in my head of Mary telling Jesus "hey son, they're out of wine, why don't you do something to help them out?" with a wink and an elbow poke as he sat at a table or danced around (I'm sure they danced at weddings back then, they were almost week long events).
Jesus was human. He experienced everything that we humans still on earth go through. Just like many of us, sometimes we need a push and a nudge from our mothers to get us moving in the right direction.
If nothing else, this just solidifies just how crucial it is to ask Mary for her prayers. Her son listens to her intently, and if she needs to give him a little elbow nudge I bet she will.

Peace all

Hope Persists

Hope is never lost. The future is bright, I have no doubt about that. Not knowing what the future holds can be a bit unsettling, but that is something I'm trying not to worry about right now. All I have is today, and whatever today presents me as a way to prepare for my future I'll do.

Yesterday was a rough day. I woke up angry with God, questioning everything that I've recently gone through, in the last 2 weeks and the last 4 months. What was the hole point of it? Did I have to cause someone else pain and fear like I did just so God could pull me closer to Him? I had thoughts and feelings about God that I've very rarely ever had. Doubt about God is something I've been blessed to rarely ever experience. My faith in God is strong because in many things I have learned to, as a good friend once told me, "let go and let God". As a kid I was a worrier. I would get sick with anxiety over things, and I mean physically sick to the point that I would leave school. Over time I was graced with the ability to not worry and almost without thinking place my trust and hope in God.
My newly developed laid-back, don't worry about things personality made people think I was not passionate about things sometimes. I had a boss tell me that at my job interview she had never seen someone so relaxed. She almost couldn't believe it. So yes, in some things I learned to just be me and trust in God, but in other things, I'm clearly still struggling to give them to God. 

Despite a bad day, and a rough night of prayer that I managed to get through by the grace of God, hope persists. I have a specific hope for the future that I'm having a hard time with. I'm trying to give it to God, all of it. But because I know hope persists I still think about it. So how do I give up something completely and stop thinking about it, while at the same time knowing that there is hope for that future?

I need to just hope in God alone and push everything else out. But that is much easier said than done. 

Holy Spirit, remove everything from me that isn't of God and fill me with Your love and nothing else.  

Peace all 

It Comes and Goes

You'd think this wouldn't surprise me. I consider myself a pretty intelligent guy, but when it comes to life and its happenings, I'm constantly humbled it seems. 

What has surprised me is the daily coming and going of a sense of peace. Almost every day of this last week God has provided me with a sense and feeling of peace. Those moments are wonderful and truly are blessings. Moments when I'm completely surrendered to God and His great love for me. But I'm human, so it's only a matter of time before my mind starts thinking. I'm confident the devil does whatever he can to trigger this also. It doesn't take much, but just the slightest thought will set my mind off, and I'm back thinking about things that I hoped I'd given to God. 

This coming and going of peace in my heart is tough, but its getting easier. Times of despair are getting shorter and the feelings of peace are getting longer. 

I should have known nothing would be instantaneous or permanent. That's just not how things work. God is helping to strengthen me though, and for that I am forever grateful. 

What helped me find peace last night was a video. I was listening to Catholic radio while driving yesterday and heard about a priest who has put a website and videos together to help people grow closer to the Holy Spirit. 

Check out www.thewildgooseisloose.com

Peace all