I've had different images go through my mind recently.
When I think about what true surrender means I think of Jesus leading me to a small boat on the shore line. He tells me to get in, sit back and relax. As I settle in, He tells me not to worry and trust in Him as He shoves the small boat out into the water. How long I stay adrift I have no idea. Winds of dreams, past hopes and fears, and thoughts of my future rock the boat. They wake me up and I look back toward the shore or I look ahead with longing that my boat will go that way. Then I remember and whisper the words "Your will be done, take care of everything" and I lay back down, close my eyes and surrender again. Eventually I'll wake up when my small boat hits a new shore line and Jesus is there to give me His hand as I climb out onto the new shore that He has led me to.
True surrender also might be this.
I'm sitting in a room with one of those old time movie projectors. All around me are shelves of movie roles. On the left are shelves of my experiences. Movie clips of great joys and the lowest of heart aches. To the right are movies I've created of the possible future. These movies are mostly joyful, with thoughts of people I might be with, and things I might do. Dreams and hopes are held in these roles of film. Over the last few months I've been filling up these shelves, and over the last week I've kept pulling from them. I've gone over and over these dreams for my future, hoping they would could moved eventually to the shelves on the other side. But clips of reality keep appearing on the left side of the room that force me to put the dreams back on the shelves. Over and over, I pulled out the dreams, set them up and watched them. As I watched them I prayed that God would lead me to these dreams. But again and again, reality clips keep popping up and force me to put the dreams back on the shelves. As I sit there, now watching nothing, I hear a call from outside. Getting up I head to the door. I reach the door and grab for the knob. As I do I look back to the shelves. The shelves of dreams and the shelves of experiences. I don't want to leave the dreams, especially the newest ones. But the call persists and I know I must follow. The door feels like it weights a ton, but as I push, it gets easier. Finally I step out, literally into the unknown, and the voice keeps calling me. The pull of the dreams still sticks in my mind, but I step out further. One step after another I keep walking. With each step I say "Jesus, take care of it, Your will be done". Eventually the door behind me is harder to see, and I keep walking, and with each step I pray for God's guidance.
Right now I'm adrift. Right now I'm stepping away from the movie room and into God's reality for myself. How long I will drift or how long I will walk I can't know. I'm leaving it all up to God.
Surrender takes time. I'm trying Lord, please guide me.
If you glance at my story, I made a sincere commitment to follow God's will, as I could perceive it, in 1987. It's been a lot of years, and I am still trying to hear His voice clearer ---- but it HAS been getting clearer. I read a wonderful book recently in which the author summarized his struggles, saying that truly the hardest thing in life is finding the balance between doing and praying. He meant doing his will, and waiting for God's to become clearer. Certainly you can't sit back and do nothing, waiting. But a consistent prayer life gets God's attention --- He said so.
ReplyDeleteI have no great advice in how to live your life; I don't know God's unique purpose for you. As far as my prayers, I now pray what is basically called The Prayer of St. Francis --- and in summary I pray each night that God would bless the people He brings into my life (and perhaps He might do that through something I do or say, or He may use just my presence for His plans.) In a sarcastic way, it might be said that this is a prayer "to not screw up." And maybe it is.
I took a class in Spiritual Direction last year. One of the best things I learned in it was Ignatius' Rules on Spiritual Discernment. Rule number five said that in times of desolation, CHANGE NOTHING. That's when bad spirits' words seem to make more sense. We are not thinking correctly. So, when things aren't going well, don't try to pray more; don't pray less. Don't try to fix problems; trust God. I had my own desolation recently, which tanked my peace and disrupted my prayer life, but I changed nothing. Today things are better.
At a Bible Study group this morning, the leader told us how a family friend came over for Christmas dinner at his house. The man was a non-church goer, but the Bible-Study guy made sure grace was said before the meal in his house --- "but that was all that was said". He told us he didn't want to offend anyone on Christmas Day. "The man died suddenly a couple of days ago," he said. And he wondered if that man might be in hell right now because he didn't speak up. He had deep regrets. Many of the men offered him consolation and advice. I read him from a prayer I had before me, which said to Jesus that "I have a part in Your great work. I am a link in a chain, a bond of connection between persons...." We discussed that at length, we are only a link between persons. And God has a role; it is not all our responsibility.
You too are a link in God's plans, but not the only one. Pray to understand how to do your part; then live your life in imitation of His as best you can. Don't worry about the past; He forgives sins and failures, and He said: "I make all things good." All things.
Press on. Trust. Meet new people, and act towards them as He would. He will show you HIS plans, of that I am sure, in HIS time. Do not be anxious. Do not be afraid. You are loved.