Seeds of Doubt

Has everything that's happened in the past month just been something I need to just brush off so I can keep doing what I was doing?

I spoke with a friend tonight who has me questioning everything I've put myself through this past month. 

Do I need to stay home and continue going to school? I don't see any benefit in doing that as far as my future goes. But is that the point?

Getting a job in a field I'm already qualified in is very doable, but is that being selfish and just a way for me to continue trying to push my own will?

I'm seriously frustrated.

I want to do God's will, but I don't know what that is!!!!

Am I acting too quickly, based solely off of the emotional roller coaster I've been through this past month? 

I refuse to "what if"my situation. This is where I'm at right now, and what's done is done. But where do I go from here, or do I go anywhere?

Just when I felt like I had something, I'm back to square one.

Please God, give me a hint, or something, please!

Everyone Deserves My Love

I'm not sure what made me think about this at mass this morning. It shouldn't be a surprise that as a young, single guy I think about relationships a lot. Having been called a "good guy" my whole life, often I was placed in the friend zone growing up and even as I've gotten older I've felt that stigma a bit, whether it was there or not.
My closeness to God and my desire to be a righteous and upright man have been a grace from God, and many people notice that and admire that in me. My hope everyday is to radiate God's love and through God's grace I hopefully do that a little more each day. I'm far from perfect though, but in a world where men are failing in their calls to be actual men, by the grace of God I stand out a bit.
I wonder though, if any of my past relationships didn't feel worthy of being with a "good guy" like me?
I truly hope not. But if so, all I can say is everyone is deserving of my love, simply because of God and his love.
If I offer my friendship or a desire for a deeper relationship, especially today, it's because of God. I have so much love to give because God has been trying to overflow my heart with His love continually throughout my life.
Everyone that God brings into my life is deserving of my friendship and love.
I'm not afraid of love or giving my life to someone, and whomever God has heading my way in the future will know she is deserving of my love, because of God. That brings me a great deal of comfort when I think about that.

Peace all

My Mini-Saul Moments

We've all had moments when we've been knocked on our butts. One of mine happened just recently, and like Saul, it happened because I thought I was doing what I should be doing. I wanted to get things moving, for fear of losing something, so I pushed too far and ended up on my butt, bruised, sore and sad. Saul thought he was doing what he was supposed to be doing also. As a Pharisee, a leader in the Jewish community, he thought he needed to do all he could to stop the followers of the Way (what early Christians were called). He struck fear into the hearts of the followers of Christ and left a path of destruction wherever he went, until he headed to Damascus. I can't imagine what went through his mind when he heard the voice of Christ completely rock his whole world. The greatest challenge for him might have been the fact that after he was blinded he had to turn to those he was persecuting for help. That must have been a deeply humbling experience. After hearing the voice of Christ and then being blinded by a great light, Saul must have felt like anything was possible from that moment on though.
I had many a moment when I've been knocked on my butt, and I'm sure I will continue to have them. Saul did amazing things after he turned his life completely over to Jesus. I know I can as well, I just have to be patient.

Peace all

Humility and the Guitar

I picked up the guitar a year after high school. My best friend got one and started playing, so I got a bass thinking it would be cool to play with him. I wasn't focused enough as an 18 year old to teach myself the bass so I got rid of that. But when I transferred to a new college after my first year, I signed up for a guitar class and I've been playing off and on ever since.
I'm not a great guitar player, but I can make some music sound pretty good.
The guitar is a very humbling instrument to learn and continue on with. I know I'm not great at it, but people who don't play guitar are quick to tell me I sound good. That's nice to hear, and like I said, I think there are some songs I can do well. Still, when I play with people who are skilled at the guitar I feel very inadequate. I have a lot to learn still, even having played for nearly a decade now. There are things that I learned just starting off that I'm great at playing, because I played them many times. New songs are tougher, especially if there are new chords or fingerings that I need to learn. Getting my fingers to move in different ways or to different configurations that I've never placed them in before requires a lot of practice to finally get down. It's very similar to my prayer life. I'm good at some prayers and I've got certain times down pat for prayer time. But I've got a lot of improving to do.
I'm glad I play the guitar and I'm thankful for how it humbles me every time I pick it up, just like how I'm humbled every time I pray.

When I think of God I feel very humble and lowly. I'm still trying to figure out what exactly He's calling me to. The waiting is the worst part of course, and I've gone through this before, but this time is different. For the first time I feel like I'm truly open to going anywhere God will lead me. But can I just sit back and pray for something to happen? What actions do I need to take? If I feel like I might be being pulled in one direction, how do I know that's God and not my own desires? I've still got my own desires that I'm trying to lesson, but how much of those desires are ones God has placed on my heart and in turn ones I'm being called to follow?

So many questions, but in time I know I'll get some answers.

Peace all

For All Mothers

Today is an important day, so I have some prayers.

I pray for all those who have had abortions, that God will bring them healing and mercy.
I pray for all those who have been aborted, their lives cut short, that they may be in the fullness of God's presence in heaven.
I pray for those who have forced mothers to have abortions, for whatever reasons, that they may seek mercy and forgiveness.
I pray for all those who have performed and assisted in abortions, and that continue to do so, that they may turn from their ways and understand the value that all life has, no matter what stage it is at.
I pray for those who have survived abortion attempts, that they can show mercy and speak out for the value of life.
Lastly, I pray for mothers who chose life, that God will provide for them in their struggles and reassure them that by choosing life they have greatly blessed our world.

My life has been touched by women on both sides of this struggle. I think it's important to remember though, especially for the pro-life movement, that support for life can't end after the child is born. There are homeless and needy children all over our country and our world. They continue to have dignity and need our support just as much as children still in the womb do.

Mary, please pray for all mothers, especially on this day, and pray for all of us who have the ability to support mothers and their children.

Finally, this is a song that's been going through my head a lot lately, and if you've been reading any of my posts of the last few weeks you'll know why.

Peace all

Take It All, Lord

When you surrender to God, you're supposed to surrender everything. Of course, this is easier said than done.
Like a lot of things, this should be an easy concept to understand, but I guess I'm special. It hit me today as I was riding my fat bike home from a workout. I'm not giving up everything. There are dreams that I'm still holding onto, ones that I don't want to let go of. I need to though. Surrender to God means I have to give everything to God. He has my future figured out so if I keep holding onto what I want and the dreams I've developed, then I'm just torturing myself.
Yea, I'm still going to think about those dreams, but I can't hold onto them any more. I need to give them up and trust in God.

Peace all

Facing the Facts

Facts:

• I love God to the best of my ability 
• I desire to do His will
• I have a desire to give my life and love to a family
• I can't support a family right now
• I'm 28, going on 29 years old
• I have a college degree
• I'm living at home working a part time job
• I can literally go anywhere in the world, there is nothing holding me anywhere

I honestly do have a desire to have a family. Being able to share my life with someone is something I do long for and a desire that I believe God has put on my heart. With so many of my friends starting families and growing their families, I do have a deeper understanding of what it means to have a family in today's world. So I'm somewhat prepared in every way to have a family except financially. This has already lead to a massive disruption in one relationship. That relationship might not be over, but all that remains there at this moment is hope, and little else. I'd still do anything to give that relationship a chance, but that isn't up to me at right now, that's in God's hands and her's.
The facts are I'm going on 30, I have a strong desire to give myself and my love to a family, and I can go anywhere that I can get a job. I know God will lead me where He needs me to go, and the kinda scary thing is, that could be anywhere. Though I am still holding onto a hope that I'll be lead in a certain direction, I'm trying not to let that overwhelm my thinking and prayer.

God, increase my eagerness to do your will and lead me where you need me to go

Doing What I Can

I'm reading a book called "Abandonment to Divine Providence" by Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade.
This quote from the book sums up exactly my goal.

"whatsoever You will. The mind prefers one thing, the body another, but, Lord, I desire nothing but to accomplish Your holy will. Work, contemplation or prayer whether vocal or mental, active or passive; the prayer of faith or of understanding; that which is distinguished in kind, or gifted with universal grace: it is all nothing Lord unless made real and useful by Your will. It is to Your holy will that I devote myself and not to any of these things, however high and sublime they may be, because it is the perfection of the heart for which grace is given, and not for that of the mind."

It's a great read so far. I'm not trying to rush through it. I'll read something and if it doesn't sink in I'll read it again. At this point I'm doing what I can do to try do discern God's will for my life. This is reading is helping, but there's always more I can do.

Peace all

Mary and Her Nudge

I love the story of the Wedding Feast at Cana. It's the first miracle, or as the author John says, sign, after which the disciples began to believe.
I've always liked the back and forth between Jesus and Mary. The last words of Mary in the Bible are in this story, "do whatever he tells you". These words she tells to the servant, but she also tells them to all of us. We're all called to do whatever her son tells us to do.
Today I thought about Mary's first words in this story and the connection she had and continues to have with her son. Mary knows Jesus better than any other human ever has or ever will. Did she use this as a time to give him a wink and a nudge to start off his ministry? I have this image in my head of Mary telling Jesus "hey son, they're out of wine, why don't you do something to help them out?" with a wink and an elbow poke as he sat at a table or danced around (I'm sure they danced at weddings back then, they were almost week long events).
Jesus was human. He experienced everything that we humans still on earth go through. Just like many of us, sometimes we need a push and a nudge from our mothers to get us moving in the right direction.
If nothing else, this just solidifies just how crucial it is to ask Mary for her prayers. Her son listens to her intently, and if she needs to give him a little elbow nudge I bet she will.

Peace all

Hope Persists

Hope is never lost. The future is bright, I have no doubt about that. Not knowing what the future holds can be a bit unsettling, but that is something I'm trying not to worry about right now. All I have is today, and whatever today presents me as a way to prepare for my future I'll do.

Yesterday was a rough day. I woke up angry with God, questioning everything that I've recently gone through, in the last 2 weeks and the last 4 months. What was the hole point of it? Did I have to cause someone else pain and fear like I did just so God could pull me closer to Him? I had thoughts and feelings about God that I've very rarely ever had. Doubt about God is something I've been blessed to rarely ever experience. My faith in God is strong because in many things I have learned to, as a good friend once told me, "let go and let God". As a kid I was a worrier. I would get sick with anxiety over things, and I mean physically sick to the point that I would leave school. Over time I was graced with the ability to not worry and almost without thinking place my trust and hope in God.
My newly developed laid-back, don't worry about things personality made people think I was not passionate about things sometimes. I had a boss tell me that at my job interview she had never seen someone so relaxed. She almost couldn't believe it. So yes, in some things I learned to just be me and trust in God, but in other things, I'm clearly still struggling to give them to God. 

Despite a bad day, and a rough night of prayer that I managed to get through by the grace of God, hope persists. I have a specific hope for the future that I'm having a hard time with. I'm trying to give it to God, all of it. But because I know hope persists I still think about it. So how do I give up something completely and stop thinking about it, while at the same time knowing that there is hope for that future?

I need to just hope in God alone and push everything else out. But that is much easier said than done. 

Holy Spirit, remove everything from me that isn't of God and fill me with Your love and nothing else.  

Peace all 

It Comes and Goes

You'd think this wouldn't surprise me. I consider myself a pretty intelligent guy, but when it comes to life and its happenings, I'm constantly humbled it seems. 

What has surprised me is the daily coming and going of a sense of peace. Almost every day of this last week God has provided me with a sense and feeling of peace. Those moments are wonderful and truly are blessings. Moments when I'm completely surrendered to God and His great love for me. But I'm human, so it's only a matter of time before my mind starts thinking. I'm confident the devil does whatever he can to trigger this also. It doesn't take much, but just the slightest thought will set my mind off, and I'm back thinking about things that I hoped I'd given to God. 

This coming and going of peace in my heart is tough, but its getting easier. Times of despair are getting shorter and the feelings of peace are getting longer. 

I should have known nothing would be instantaneous or permanent. That's just not how things work. God is helping to strengthen me though, and for that I am forever grateful. 

What helped me find peace last night was a video. I was listening to Catholic radio while driving yesterday and heard about a priest who has put a website and videos together to help people grow closer to the Holy Spirit. 

Check out www.thewildgooseisloose.com

Peace all

Thinking Too Much and Rowing the Boat

The Novena to Surrender to the Will of God tells me not to do this. Jesus tells me me not to think, my mind is too acute. Stop thinking about the consequences and just close my eyes and surrender to God, He will take care of it.
I get it, but this is so tough to do. My mind raises with second guessing, what might have been and what could still be. Only with God's grace can I shut my mind off and do as He tells me; close my eyes and surrender all to Him.

I can't wait until the day I can look back at all of this and smile. That day could come quickly, or it could be a year or more away. The one brief moment of true peace I felt this morning at mass was when I thought about how all of this is on God's time, not my own, and I don't need to worry. Trying to rush things wont help at all. Patience is what I need right now, and the ability to shut off my brain and trust in God. He will take care of it.

My other struggle is that I know I can't just sit back and wait. The image in my mind is of me sitting in the boat, hands on the oars, looking back as Jesus. He will steer me and guide me, but I need to provide the push. I'll row and Jesus will steer. But I don't know how I'm supposed row. How can I act, or row the boat without a little bit of direction? Or do I just start rowing in ways I know I can move and let Jesus direct me?

Your will be done, Lord, take care of it.

Montana Blessed

Check out my Bishop and my diocese!
(there's even a picture that I'm in)

https://www.catholicextension.org/stories/awakening-faith-montana

Peace

Getting Out of the Storm

My boat is rocking right now. Not imminent sinking or being caught in a hurricane kind of rocking, but it's rocking. I don't think it's a bad thing though. I'm being pushed to think and plan for my future instead just going with the flow. God gave me a brain to use it, and I've also been given the desire to have a family and give my life for others.
This song made me think of that. There is no easy way out of the storm, but with God leading me I'm not worried. I've been praying the Novena to the Surrender to the Will of God, which has helped a great deal in my being able to relax and trust in God. But I can't sit back and wait. I need to row the boat and let God steer.

Peace all

Thankful and Content

The events of the last week and a half have been tough. Of course, being on the other end now of these events I can look back and see how God drew me closer to Him, which is what I'm thankful for ultimately. The pain that I caused myself I very much deserved, but the pain I caused others I am very sorry for. God blessed me with conversations that I have never had with family members. To cry in front of those you love is never easy, but I'm glad it happened. I do feel closer to my parents and my grandmother after the conversations we had. Again, something I'm very thankful for. The pain I went through personally was all self inflicted, but it has made me stronger. Through all of this I do feel closer to God. I've tried, and continue to try, to surrender to His will for my life. Planning on things that are a long way off has not worked. I don't have a long term plan, and honestly I never really have. Yet what I've gone through recently has showed me that I need to start thinking about what kind of life I'm trying to prepare for. I know I can't sit back and just wait. Action needs to be taken. It's finding the balance of proper action and the full surrender to the will of God that is now the focus.
I'm not making any drastic changes. This time that I have at home with my family is a true blessing, so I'm going to do my best to not waste this time any more. Slowing down and being present where I am will be a good thing. There are big changes ahead for my family. Some will be good. Most will have elements of sadness and loss, all of which I'm trying to prepare for.
I'm content right now. Not knowing what the future holds for me is okay. Surrendering to God is a huge part of that and I know He will direct me. I still have thoughts of what I'd like my future to look like, but when those thoughts pop up in my mind I'm quickly reminded to say "Jesus, take care of it. Your will be done", and this focuses my mind back on the present and helps me to surrender.
The future is bright, and I'll get back to being my joyful, positive self. Like I've said before, it just takes time. I'm very blessed with good family and amazing friends, so there is absolutely nothing I can complain about.
Through all of this I've never lost hope, though I did come close. Thankfully God pulled me out of those moments quickly.
There are tough times ahead. I know God will always be with me, so I have nothing to fear.

Peace all

Surrender Takes Time

Like anything good in life, surrendering everything to God takes time. I'm finding that out, but honestly I expected it. One prayer, or one day of trying so hard to surrender is not going to accomplish a great deal. This will take time and continual prayer.

I've had different images go through my mind recently.

When I think about what true surrender means I think of Jesus leading me to a small boat on the shore line. He tells me to get in, sit back and relax. As I settle in, He tells me not to worry and trust in Him as He shoves the small boat out into the water. How long I stay adrift I have no idea. Winds of dreams, past hopes and fears, and thoughts of my future rock the boat. They wake me up and I look back toward the shore or I look ahead with longing that my boat will go that way. Then I remember and whisper the words "Your will be done, take care of everything" and I lay back down, close my eyes and surrender again. Eventually I'll wake up when my small boat hits a new shore line and Jesus is there to give me His hand as I climb out onto the new shore that He has led me to.



True surrender also might be this.
I'm sitting in a room with one of those old time movie projectors. All around me are shelves of movie roles. On the left are shelves of my experiences. Movie clips of great joys and the lowest of heart aches. To the right are movies I've created of the possible future. These movies are mostly joyful, with thoughts of people I might be with, and things I might do. Dreams and hopes are held in these roles of film. Over the last few months I've been filling up these shelves, and over the last week I've kept pulling from them. I've gone over and over these dreams for my future, hoping they would could moved eventually to the shelves on the other side. But clips of reality keep appearing on the left side of the room that force me to put the dreams back on the shelves. Over and over, I pulled out the dreams, set them up and watched them. As I watched them I prayed that God would lead me to these dreams. But again and again, reality clips keep popping up and force me to put the dreams back on the shelves. As I sit there, now watching nothing, I hear a call from outside. Getting up I head to the door. I reach the door and grab for the knob. As I do I look back to the shelves. The shelves of dreams and the shelves of experiences. I don't want to leave the dreams, especially the newest ones. But the call persists and I know I must follow. The door feels like it weights a ton, but as I push, it gets easier. Finally I step out, literally into the unknown, and the voice keeps calling me. The pull of the dreams still sticks in my mind, but I step out further. One step after another I keep walking. With each step I say "Jesus, take care of it, Your will be done". Eventually the door behind me is harder to see, and I keep walking, and with each step I pray for God's guidance.



Right now I'm adrift. Right now I'm stepping away from the movie room and into God's reality for myself. How long I will drift or how long I will walk I can't know. I'm leaving it all up to God.

Surrender takes time. I'm trying Lord, please guide me.

The Battle Is Real, Prepare Me Lord

In my surrender to the will of God, I know I'm called to be a father, but when, or in what way I'm leaving up to God. I thought I was ready, but it seems I'm not. Your will be done, Lord.

I Surrender Lord

I'm raising my white flag. I'm laying everything down. All my dreams, my plans and even my hopes.
I ask you Jesus to take over. Many times before I've asked you to guide me, but I refused to fully be led, always keeping one foot on the path I wanted to take. But now, after the damage I have done and the worst emotional pain I've gone through, I surrender, I can't do this any more.
Take charge of my life Lord. Lead me where you need me to go. I will do my best to not think of what might have been, or what could still be. I'm trying to give it all up and surrender completely.
I don't know how You will guide me, and I will try not to let that worry me, because I know you will.
Draw me out of this despair and allow me to only hope in You, and not on my own thoughts and dreams.
I'm falling at your feet Lord. Lift me up and direct me wherever you need me to go.

Please Lord, may Your will be done, take care of everything.

I Failed

Novena of Surrender to the Will of God
http://motheofgod.com/threads/novena-of-surrender-to-the-will-of-god.4356/

I wish I had found this novena earlier. I just finished praying it, and it seems like everything Jesus told me not to do I ended up doing in these last few days. I thought I was trying to surrender myself to Jesus, but I was just hoping He would accept my plans.

I'm Empty

The events of the this year so far have been some of the most difficult of my life. I've felt sick, I've been unable to sleep well and I've the most anxiety of my entire life.
I see now what this has done to me, and it's exactly what I asked for.

I'm empty Lord, so please fill me with You and Your will for my life.

Empty Me, Lord

There is a song I've listened to for few years. I'm not sure how I ended up with this song in my music list, but I am thankful that I have it. One of the most simple songs you could ever hear, but with maybe the most difficult lyrics to live out.
The song is called "Empty Me" by Jeremy Camp.
I know God works in all ways throughout my day and night. These last few days have been tough, but with my music on shuffle the other night, this song, along with a few others came on, right when I needed to hear them.
"Empty Me" has been a favorite, and one whose message, even more so now, I desire to live out. I have so badly this desire in my heart to give up everything and do something radical in the hopes of possibly being with two very special people. This plan that I have, to make this desire a possibility, is so far from what I wanted to do just a short while ago that I feel like it might actually be what God is calling me to.
At mass this morning I prayed for guidance and to only do God's will. At the end of mass was the first time I prayed for God to show me something else if this current plan is not His will. That really scared me. I so badly desire to do His will, but is this plan I have a part of God's plan for my life?
I'm praying for God to empty me of everything that is not of Him. I need more God, and less of myself. No matter what happens, God will not lead me astray. Following my own will I know will lead me off path. How do I know when God's will and my own desires are the same though?

Please Lord, empty me and fill me with You

What Is Your Plan?

There is a bit of back story to this seemingly simple question.
Back in October I received an e-mail from a young lady who had seen my profile on a Catholic dating site. She wondered if we could get to know each other a bit. I thought "why not?". Well, we texted back and forth the next night for quite a while. I've never laughed so hard or had so much fun just texting with someone. So we kept texting each other, and started going deeper into who each of us was. After divulging one of my greatest personal struggles she challenged me and gave me an ultimatum that I needed to cut this destructive thing out of my life. I really needed that. Things progressed and I've been constantly humbled by this amazing person.
She lives a long ways away from me. There is no quick or easy way to get from Montana to Michigan, but we talked about meeting and the closer we got, through video chatting and texting, the more and more we both could not wait until we could meet some day.
This amazing person isn't alone though, she comes as a package deal I guess you could say. She has a young daughter who is first and foremost in her life. This has created many challenges for her but also many blessings. Having a child also forces her to think of the future she can provide for her daughter. So this is where this seemingly simple question comes in..."what is your plan?"
She asked me this question the other night but I didn't have an answer for her.
After a good conversation with my best friend, I realized that no one had ever asked me that specific question before. I hear questions all the time about what I'm up to or how things are going for me. No one has ever asked me what my plans were, my actual life plans.
So I had no answer. I've spent the years after college just going from one thing to the next. I've been alone the vast majority of the time, so I haven't had any one to plan for or with. My family has influenced a lot of my decisions, but concrete plans concerning my immediate family are not practical. I moved home to be with my family, but that's not a plan, it's just a decision that would lead to another decision and so on and so forth.
This question was a huge reality check for me as I'm finally understanding it.
So I've made a plan, but I'm going to pray about it more before I tell her or put it down in writing.
I ask for prayers that I will do God's will.
More to come.

So peace, blessings on this Solemnity of Mary the Mother of God and happy new year