Into the Unknown...Again

I finished my year as a bandaid for a parish in my home town. It was a good experience that allowed me to learn a lot and make some new friends while spending more time with my family.
As of July 1st I have been officially unemployed. After the usual crazy week around the 4th I've been spending a lot of time at my grandmothers. She will be 90 years old this November and has been living alone for over a year since my grandfather passed away. Not a whole lot as been done as far as upkeep around her 75 acre little farm. I've been moving sprinkler pipes, mowing and cleaning the shop and barn, along with other things... and I've been enjoying it a lot. I'm glad I can be here for her now since I wasn't very present while she was taking care of my grandpa as he struggled with dementia.
All of that is in the past now. I have today and hopefully I'll be blessed with a tomorrow, and that's how I'm kinda living life right now.  In many ways I'm waiting for things to happen but I'm trying really hard to not let that distract me from what I have right now.
I'm still single, am totally fine with that and have no desire to become a priest (which I still get asked about all the time). Maybe there is someone out there for me. If there is I don't feel like I have a lot to offer, but we'll see what happens.
Into the unknown again.

A Song For All Of Us

This song popped up last as I was falling asleep. Having my ipod on random shuffle through all my music leads to some interesting combinations, but this song stands out on its own. I've actually heard Matt Maher perform it in concert, which was the first time I had heard it. 

Anyway, as Matt put it, it's a love song. He wrote it thinking about his soon to be wife at the time. But as his understanding of the song grew, he began to see that this is a song that Jesus sings to all of us. 

So one day I might sing this song to a beautiful woman, but until then and forever Jesus is singing this song to you and I.

Peace all

Being A Lonely Sign

Father said something during his homily this morning that got me thinking. I honestly don't remember much else of what he said, and I can't give a direct quote. He gave a sentence about signs and how they are not meant to be the end goal, they are meant to point to point to something greater.
I get that and it makes total sense to me. When you're driving you don't stop at the sign that tells you where to turn, you turn at the sign and keep going. Signs are meant to direct and even give hope that there is something greater ahead.

This got me thinking about how I've been a sign for others. I sincerely hope that I have been a sign for the youth I've ministered to, hopefully pointing them to God. That is the greatest and most crucial job of the youth minister or theology teacher, or it is for me at least.
But how have I been a sign for others?

Was I pulled into the life of a young mother for almost four months only to be a sign for her that there are good guys out there?
Is my profile on a Catholic dating site just there give hope to women who are searching, but aren't searching as far as Montana?
I'm I destined to continue to be a lonely sign?
Have I been a sign to my friends that trusting in God takes time because I still don't know what to do with my life?
Did I feel the need to come back home only to be a sign to my family that I haven't figured out anything yet but I'm still a good kid?

I just want to be a sign that points to Jesus, but I don't know how I'm being asked to be that sign right now.

Peace all

Online Dating Article Too Funny?

I enjoy Eye of the Tiber. If you have a sense of humor, it's really funny.
A friend posted this article on the book face.
On-line dating is tough, there is no doubt about that. When I started off on the on-line dating route I'll admit I was almost as bad as the guy in the article.  I had high hopes of finding a beautiful and pure Catholic woman. There are many out there, don't get me wrong. I even met one, messed things up, had a second chance, but decided against it because of our mutual lack of openness to whatever the future might hold. Everything was there, but I couldn't do it because we both had different thoughts. So I've never been as bad as the guy in the article, but it has taken me a while, and a lot of humbling moments to get me to where I am now.
My past isn't spotless. There are many things I'm not proud to admit. So in that sense, I will never hold a persons past against them. My hope is that they have learned from their mistakes, as I have mine, as well as sought forgiveness from God, which is an ongoing process for me. Before a few years ago I had no desire to date anyone who had children. That was solely a pride thing. If I was going to marry someone I wanted to be the first person they'd ever be with. This is the exact mind set as the guy in the article, and I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I even had those thoughts.
However, attraction is still a major part of dating and discerning marriage, should dating a person ever get to that point. Unfortunately with on-line dating, you might only have access to one picture of a person and from that you can, or have to, make a lot of decisions. I've almost agonized over what picture I would have on my profile. Being terribly un-photogenic, its tough trying to pick out that one picture that I think makes me look desirable to the opposite sex. I know that my look is not going to be attractive to all women. But for my own searching, there are looks that I'm attracted to. I'm attracted to women who look healthy, who are smiling in there picture and have the confidence to even put a picture of themselves up on a profile. There are women though who I immediately do not find attractive. I don't automatically count them out, but I also don't seek to make a connection if I don't find them attractive at first.
(I actually can't really make any connection on my own, since I don't pay for the site I use)
So, basically I wore this to try to convince myself that I'm not as shallow as I think I am. A prayer that I need to pray more often is to ask God for help is loving people as He loves them and to see others as He sees them.
The search continues, but the search for God and His will for my life is the most important search I'm doing right now.

Peace all

My Own Letter To My Future Wife

Hi,
I'm not much for words, or at least great ones. Writing is not one of my strong suits, but I can write from the heart, which is what I am attempting to do here.
If you are out there somewhere I hope you are doing well, and enjoying life to its fullest.
Life on this earth is short, but it can be wonderful. You weren't made for this world though, so please keep your eyes on heaven, first and foremost.
Jesus loves you more than I ever could or will be able to. Hopefully I will get the opportunity to love you as much as I can some day. I do love you very much already, and I am praying for you. Until that day comes when we get a chance to meet, please keep your thoughts on God and your trust in His will. We will meet someday, if it's God's will, so don't worry and don't fret.
I'll be honest, I've struggled at times. I've never lost hope that you might be out there, but I also haven't always done my best to be prepared for you. At times I thought I had met you, only to be shown that I was wrong. A certain addiction has hurt me very badly, along with many of my relationships. I'm recovering and thanks to God's grace I have a renewed strength to not fall into old sins, or bad habits and thoughts.
I'm sure you have struggled too. Please do not be ashamed of your failings and faults. Whatever you've been through has made you who you are today and I will never judge you for what your past contains.
Just to be clear, I have no desire to be the man you need. You need God first and foremost. My hope is that I will be the man you want.
Again, you are in my thoughts and prayers every day. I ask St. Joseph to pray for you every night. He is the example of the type of man I want to be, so I trust in his prayers for you.
I hope you are praying for me too, because I can sure use them. I'm doing my best to trust in God and His will for my life. The desire to be in a relationship is strong, but I know I must be patient and trust in God that when the time is right He will bring us together.
In the mean time, please keep running towards God. His love is the most important thing in your life and getting to heaven needs to be your first goal. Hopefully we'll get the chance to help each other reach heaven, and God willing, maybe even some children.
I'm doing my best to be patient. I'm always looking for you and if I know the tiny bit about God that I think I know, we'll probably meet when we both least expect it. I don't know that for sure though, only God does.
Until the that exciting day comes when we meet, please know that I've been praying for you for a while, and that I will continue to do so.

Peace and grace be with you, my future wife

The Need for Fertilizer

And he told them this parable: “There once was a person who had a fig tree planted in his orchard, and when he came in search of fruit on it but found none, he said to the gardener, ‘For three years now I have come in search of fruit on this fig tree but have found none. [So] cut it down. Why should it exhaust the soil?’ He said to him in reply, ‘Sir, leave it for this year also, and I shall cultivate the ground around it and fertilize it; it may bear fruit in the future. If not you can cut it down.’” Luke 13: 6-9

This has been one of my favorite parables since my cooperating teacher taught about it during my student teaching. It's a pretty easy parable to understand as far as Jesus' parables go, for those of us who know what the old fashioned fertilizer is.
Crap happens. Sometimes we need to be fertilized a bit for us to start bearing fruit. Fertilizer can show up in many different forms, but it will always help us to bear great fruit.

I had dinner with a friend last night. She was a part of my youth group and now she's in college and doing well. It was great talking with her and a good reminder to me that quite often age has nothing to do with the ability to have spiritual insight. I'm not very good at being a good friend or reaching out to people when I really should talk though something. I have great friends, and last night was a great reminder that God has placed wonderful people in my life for a reason.

Peace all

We're All Screw-Ups, But That's No Excuse

Thinking of myself first is one of my many faults. My selfishness shows its ugly face in a huge way every once in a while. Like this weekend when I had a chance to get to Reconciliation for the first time in a little while, but instead I raced off to a sale to buy a gun I wanted. The downside of working at a gun counter is that I now have a new and growing collection. But I didn't have to go right then. I had planned on getting to reconciliation right after I got off work. That day my selfishness came out and I didn't even think about reconciliation until later that night. I got mad at myself, said "sorry" to God and continued on my current spiritual slump. 

Today as I was driving a thought hit me about my relationship troubles that happened around the new year. I've been blaming myself for everything that happened. I don't know if that is being selfish or not, but it kinda feels like that. Not a bad selfishness maybe, but selfish nonetheless. I've put all the responsibility for how things ended on myself and what I did and said.  As I thought about it though, maybe it wasn't all my fault. 

I thought I was doing the right thing and maybe God was pulling me in a certain direction. When I explained my possible plans the reaction I got completely threw me off. As a result a relationship ended and I was left blaming myself for that ending. That's what's tough about relationships and something I've not put much thought into. For a relationship to work both people have to be following the will of God. If one person is following God's will but the other isn't, there is very little chance of the relationship working out. This doesn't ease the pain or make me really feel any better about what happened. It does give me a new perspective on relationships though. Falling into the actions of selfishness in thinking this was all my fault probably wasn't the best way for me to handle what happened, but I also didn't want to put any blame on a person who I didn't want to have any negative thoughts about. There are no negative thoughts, only a more fervent desire to pray for this special person and hope that she was right and I was wrong. 

No matter who was truly following God's will doesn't matter now; all is in the past. Each day is about living out God's will, which is how it should have always been. 

I've messed many things up, and will continue to. But others mess up to, and I need to remember that. We live in a world where every person has there struggles. That's not an excuse for my own failings. 

Peace all

Dear Future Wife

This was written by Benedict Hince, another blogger, so I cannot take any credit for it. Everything he has written in this letter is spot on and are things that I am also trying to do on a daily basis. I am not a great writer at all so I'm glad others out there are able to put into words thoughts and feelings that are on my heart as well.

Dear Future Wife,

It’s funny to write this letter, and yet not know if you will ever read it…

Because where should I send it? I have no address for you. No phone number on which to contact you. Facebook and WhatsApp are of no use, and Skype and Instagram will not reveal your face to me… Uber cannot drive me to your door, and I know not where to book the train ticket to so that I may give it to you in person.

And yet, although we may not have met, I want you to know that I am here. That I have a phone number and a Facebook profile. I have a world – friends, family, hobbies, and interests – and I am looking towards the moment when our worlds shall meet, the moment when we get to open up our worlds to one another, and grow together in love.

I want you to know that I am waiting and that, already, I have chosen you. I have chosen you over all the false images of life and love that have been pumped into our culture. Because all these false images – the promiscuity, the egocentricity – none of them are able to inflame my heart a fraction of that which the thought of you does, the thought of one day being able to give my whole self to you in unconditional love.

But there’re some things I need you to know. I’m not perfect. I’m just a normal guy who is trying to choose to live out authentic love each day – along with many other normal guys who are doing the same – we are out there! And sometimes it’s really difficult. You need to know that I’m not going to save you, I know my weaknesses all too well, and I am no savior. But there is One who is our Savior. And I hope that you have met Him already. Even though I do not know you by name, He does. And I hope that wherever you are, you know that you are loved by Him infinitely more perfectly than I will ever manage.

I want you to know that I talk to God about you. As He loves you face to face now, I pray that I may also love you face to face. He is teaching me each day in small ways what it will take to love, and to lay down my life for you. In Him I see how to love authentically, and I choose to love you.

And so, I will continue to keep a watchful guard over my soul, that one day you will trust me and allow me to guard and protect yours too. By the grace of God I will lead you to heaven.

But that time is not yet. And I don’t want you to worry about how long it may be until we meet. I need you now to be running towards God, to run with Him. One day I will run with you, but please don’t wait to meet me before you start, for it will only be as we are both running towards God, with our gazes fixed upon Him, that our paths will cross. Know that I am running towards Him; however, know that it is often more of a 3000 meter hurdle race for me, than a 100 meter sprint, and that although I may come out of this a bit battered and bruised, in Him I will be made strong and ready for you.

Dear Future Wife, wherever you may be, know that love is a choice, and although I do not yet know who you are, and I do not know the things that make you smile or the things that make you laugh, or the things you find difficult or painful – know that I have chosen to love you. And that I will find you as we run side by side into the arms of Our Heavenly Father.

I hope that you are safe. I hope that you know that you are loved, and that you are immensely precious to my heart, and to the heart of God. May your Guardian Angel keep watch over you.

Please pray for me.

Your Future Husband

Peace all

I Needed This

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another. To be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But to a Christian, God says, "no, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone. With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me. With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone. Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united to another until you are united with Me. Exclusive of anyone or anything else. Exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. Just wait, that's all. Don't be anxious, don't worry, don't look around at things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don't look around at the things you think you want, just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could dream of. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with Me. And this is perfect love. And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I Am God. Believe it and be satisfied."

Saint Anthony of Padua

Everyone Deserves My Love

I'm not sure what made me think about this at mass this morning. It shouldn't be a surprise that as a young, single guy I think about relationships a lot. Having been called a "good guy" my whole life, often I was placed in the friend zone growing up and even as I've gotten older I've felt that stigma a bit, whether it was there or not.
My closeness to God and my desire to be a righteous and upright man have been a grace from God, and many people notice that and admire that in me. My hope everyday is to radiate God's love and through God's grace I hopefully do that a little more each day. I'm far from perfect though, but in a world where men are failing in their calls to be actual men, by the grace of God I stand out a bit.
I wonder though, if any of my past relationships didn't feel worthy of being with a "good guy" like me?
I truly hope not. But if so, all I can say is everyone is deserving of my love, simply because of God and his love.
If I offer my friendship or a desire for a deeper relationship, especially today, it's because of God. I have so much love to give because God has been trying to overflow my heart with His love continually throughout my life.
Everyone that God brings into my life is deserving of my friendship and love.
I'm not afraid of love or giving my life to someone, and whomever God has heading my way in the future will know she is deserving of my love, because of God. That brings me a great deal of comfort when I think about that.

Peace all

What Is Your Plan?

There is a bit of back story to this seemingly simple question.
Back in October I received an e-mail from a young lady who had seen my profile on a Catholic dating site. She wondered if we could get to know each other a bit. I thought "why not?". Well, we texted back and forth the next night for quite a while. I've never laughed so hard or had so much fun just texting with someone. So we kept texting each other, and started going deeper into who each of us was. After divulging one of my greatest personal struggles she challenged me and gave me an ultimatum that I needed to cut this destructive thing out of my life. I really needed that. Things progressed and I've been constantly humbled by this amazing person.
She lives a long ways away from me. There is no quick or easy way to get from Montana to Michigan, but we talked about meeting and the closer we got, through video chatting and texting, the more and more we both could not wait until we could meet some day.
This amazing person isn't alone though, she comes as a package deal I guess you could say. She has a young daughter who is first and foremost in her life. This has created many challenges for her but also many blessings. Having a child also forces her to think of the future she can provide for her daughter. So this is where this seemingly simple question comes in..."what is your plan?"
She asked me this question the other night but I didn't have an answer for her.
After a good conversation with my best friend, I realized that no one had ever asked me that specific question before. I hear questions all the time about what I'm up to or how things are going for me. No one has ever asked me what my plans were, my actual life plans.
So I had no answer. I've spent the years after college just going from one thing to the next. I've been alone the vast majority of the time, so I haven't had any one to plan for or with. My family has influenced a lot of my decisions, but concrete plans concerning my immediate family are not practical. I moved home to be with my family, but that's not a plan, it's just a decision that would lead to another decision and so on and so forth.
This question was a huge reality check for me as I'm finally understanding it.
So I've made a plan, but I'm going to pray about it more before I tell her or put it down in writing.
I ask for prayers that I will do God's will.
More to come.

So peace, blessings on this Solemnity of Mary the Mother of God and happy new year

I Hate Reality Checks

But I know I need them, because I'm far from perfect and I let my emotions and thoughts get the best of me sometimes.

Recently I've been very hopeful for the future. Not because of anything I have directly done but because of ways I thought God was moving my life. 

It was not quite a year ago that I really started thinking that I needed to be home. Home for my family and home to try something new for my self. I was a single guy living in a small town working for a parish. It was great, but it was also very lonely. I spent a lot of time alone at my apartment. Not being a person that needs a whole lot of social interaction, it wasn't terrible, but I was ready to move on, so I did. I quit my full time, good paying job to move home and go back to school while working a part time job. 

Things have been great. I've met knew people, joined a woodsman team and survived a semester of college after a long absence.  A great joy also came into my life through an e-mail, of all things. This great joy changed my world and honestly for the first time in my life got me thinking very hard about how I am being called to give of my life. It's been a scary thought, don't get me wrong. The thought of leaving everything and moving across the country is terrifying. But the more joy I felt and the closer I got to God because of this amazing joy, the fears started to go away. The reality that difficulties would of course be there never subsided. Still, trusting in God that maybe I was, for maybe the first time, doing His will and being called to something greater allowed the hope I had to out way the fears. 

Yet I only have control over my life and my role in God's will. This great joy I've had has doubts and fears, which I completely understand. Neither of us feels like we can commit to anything right now. If circumstances were a little bit different, the whole situation could be changed. Things are as they are though.
God said  "No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends"
I'm to the point that I'm ready, with immense help from God, to lay down my life for my friend, my great joy of these last few months. But I don't know if that is what I'm being called to do and todays events have only led to doubts about that.
My hope is that this great joy is only trying to keep me from "putting all my eggs in one basket" as they say, and not let my judgement be clouded by my emotions or unrealistic hopes.
So I'm praying for direction, patience and divine intervention. Today's reality check has rocked me, but I pray good will come out of it.

Peace all

Lord, I Want To See

Unfortunately I forget about the simple prayer of Bartimaeus. Luckily we hear it in mass about once a year I think (I'm not a liturgist), so the yearly reminder is much appreciated.
Wanting to see is such a simple thing. For Bartimaeus, it was all about his physical sight. I'm sure everyone who has heard a homily about this gospel passage knows that it means more than just physical sight for the rest of us. I get that.
Today I honestly did pray to be able to see; to see something very specific in my life. This very specific thing has huge implications on my life and where it might lead. For myself, today, I asked God to help me see the path He needs me to take with a specific person.
Am I being called to continue the path I have chosen or does God need me to give up everything and take a different path. I'm all for taking the more difficult path, but I really really want to know which path God needs me on.
Thankfully, this situation has lead to an increase in my prayer life and it's also serving as another reminder that I need to be patient.
Bartimaeus was blind for most of his life so I guess I can be patient for a few months or a year a two.

Peace all

When It Rains It Pours

I've been single for a while, which has been a good thing. A relationship would not have been something I would have been able to handle very well with my own internal struggles and growing pains. It helped that I lived in town where I was the young adult population, so temptation was very limited. But now, I'm in a town full of young single adults. After a summer of being surrounded by amazing people, when I got home and started the next chapter of my life I felt a great deal of loneliness.  That lead me to jump headlong into looking for a relationship.  My faith and values help me to stand out from other men my age and I'm finding women that appreciate that very much.
I've already posted about how that went at the beginning of this journey.
Now, I'm faced with a new problem. I know what I'm looking for and I know there are women out there looking for a guy like me. What I didn't realize is that I'd find a bunch of amazing women at the same time. I'd been hoping to get into a relationship that I would be able to discern, but how do I discern multiple relationships at the same time? I'm not sure there is a right answer.
At the end of the day this may not be a problem though. Ultimately I think this is an opportunity put my trust in God.
Also, the last thing I want to do is hurt any of these women, which I'm not sure is entirely possible. One of the best things I know I can do for these ladies I am meeting and getting to know is pray for them. So another good outcome from all this is that my prayers have increased. My prayer life is always in flux, but having more reasons to pray is not a bad thing at all.
The one true problem persists though. One of these amazing women is a long ways away from me and she happens to be the one pulling on my heart strings the most. I fear this will be another lesson in loss. But it might also be an opportunity for amazing self-giving and sacrifice. Only time will tell.
Until then, I'm praying more and placing my trust in God, so I'm truly blessed.

Peace all

FOMO

Fear of missing out... is driving me crazy.

I'm back trying the whole college thing again. I figure I'm still young, and I even look like a college kid if I shave my face regularly, so why not try it all again.

A big motivational driver for college kids is "fear of missing out". This keeps them from committing to things, hoping that something better might come along. Not committing to hanging out with one group of friends hoping that a cooler group of friends will contact them. I'm sure this leads to a lot of lonely nights for many.

Currently, I happen to be dealing with "fear of missing out" in a bit of a different way.
Being a single gentleman in my late 20's I'm finding myself checking out all avenues of ways to meet women. I've even gone as far as getting onto Tinder, the infamous "hook-up" app (though I'm not looking for a hook-up). Fear of missing out is driving me to try everything because I don't want to miss an opportunity. Maybe the woman for me will be in the next swipe right, or maybe if I don't check CatholicSingles tonight I might miss out on an amazing girl who might like me.
Fear of missing out is causing me to be impatient I'm afraid, but honestly, what if I get off all things and miss my opportunity? If I'm seeking something, shouldn't I actually seek and not just sit back and wait for it to come to me? But everyone says you'll find the right person when you aren't looking for them.
My mind is an endless hamster wheel over this. And it doesn't help that there are beautiful women all over campus, which is not helping me in my trying not to look.

Peace all

Dating and Being Humbled

I'm not humbled often, but when I am, whoa, it hurts. It's supposed to though, right? If being humbled didn't hurt, how could it help you. Just like muscles that need to be broken to then be strengthened, so to does the human as a whole. I know I'm far from perfect, still it hurts to be reminded of that, no matter how many times you've experienced it.
Being back home, in a bigger city, I'm testing out the dating waters. This is something I've never really done on such a scale. I've done the online thing, looking for the perfect Catholic girl. That was a great humbling moment that still hurts. I found her, lost her, had a second chance, but then let that chance slip by and only after the chance was gone did I reach out for it only to grab at nothing.
Recently I met an awesome gal. We hit it off quickly and I thought things were great until I sensed that she didn't. I got the "I just got out of a long relationship" talk and we agreed to be friends. I met her and her friends at a bar a week later only to find she was already meeting a new guy that same night. That hit me hard. She clearly was not interested in a relationship with me beyond friendship. I naively thought bit of time we had together meant something, but I guess it didn't. So humble moment number one of the last 2 weeks... I'm not that hard to get over. It's a good lesson to have learned though I think. Having these high expectations for my first relationship in a while was not a healthy thing to do, and I paid a nights sleep for it.
Today, in conversation with a gal I considered a friend, I said some things that upset her to the point that she told me to f-off. I still feel sick to my stomach about it. We've only ever texted, but I hit a nerve and apparently our friendship has paid for it.
I clearly need to focus more on God and fixing my own messes before I can be in a healthy relationship. That's a hard pill to swallow though.

The day I stop having to work on my own messes is the day I get into heaven. By the grace of God I get to grow closer to that reality ever day.

Here's to another chapter.

Peace all

Ghosting

No one that I know of has ever flat out called me an asshole, still there are many moments in life where I feel like I have been one.

If you live in the state of Montana on-line dating is pretty much pointless... especially on the Catholic dating sites. There are about a grand total of 5 women that live in Montana on these sights. If I were to say live in California or anywhere on the east coast it might be worth the time.

Yet, there are a lot of women out there looking for a relationship and, unfortunately I've been one of those guys. A ghoster.

Not responding to e-mails from interested people or flat out stopping to respond after a few e-mails is kind of an asshole move. It shows a lack of maturity.

I've been ghosted and it really doesn't bother me that much, but I know I'm not like most people, especially ladies. 

I'm sorry for all those times I failed to be a mature adult.

Peace all

Beautiful Wedding

The wedding of two people who are committed to ministry and God is an amazing ceremony to witness.
Unfortunately it is too rare today that couples have their first focus on God. I know that my two friends who just got married were questioned all along the way.
Moving to the same town most would think it would be normal for them to live together. They chose not to. A simple gesture like that shows how truly committed they are to each other but most in our society do not see it that way.
Father mentioned that for both of them their greatest goal now is to get their spouse to heaven. How often is that mentioned at other wedding ceremonies these days?
The greatest thing I took away from the ceremony was hope.
There is hope for the future as long as we have faith-filled couples like Jake and Tiff in our world.

10,000 Pageviews!

I'm sure the vast majority just stumbled upon my blog in a random Google search... but nonetheless, 10,000 separate page-views is pretty cool.
I haven't been writing much these last few months. Mostly because I've been busy and simply haven't gotten around to writing anything. There has been no shortage of things I could write about, mostly knee-jerk reactions that I wanted to vent about. After a few days the desire to vent goes away and I sense that what I would have written would not have been all that helpful.
Since I don't have anyone I feel comfortable venting to, I use this blog. Most people are more comfortable venting to me, which is the way it's been for most of my life. Not feeling comfortable venting to people is what has kept this blog going.
Anyways... I'll be busy all summer working as a camp counselor so there won't be much time for blogging, but never say never. I'm sure I will have lots of stories by the end of the summer.

Peace all

I Broke Down

I broke down

pushed to the edge.

How does she stay so strong?

Never ending bickering

 name calling.

Was there ever love?

What happened to it?

A comment here,

an outburst there.

Why?

What is accomplished other than causing us pain?

We are adults,

but I feel like a little kid.

I don't know what to do. 

Separate already

or grow up.

She doesn't need the added cross to bare.

You can spare us the pain.

Why won't you?

What can I do to make you see

the pain you cause?

I don't know what to do so I left.

I broke down.

For whatever reason my parents seem to just be getting on each others nerves.  My mom will make a remark, with very little compassion in her voice, and my father will lash back in anger. My father says she's lazy and she flashes back with name for him. 

I can't get the image of the hate in her eyes as she spewed out those four words. 

Getting to the kitchen table it was like everything was forgotten. All is okay...

All is not okay. 

I told my sister I would pray for her as I said goodbye. That's when I felt the tears coming to the surface. I pushed them back.

My mom heard me say it and had a look of disbelief and bewilderment. 

I got into my car and cried. Cried for my sister who has to live with them. Cried because I can get away, but my sister can't. She has enough burdens on her life. Why do they make it harder for her? Why does she have to be the constant mediator? Why can't they see the pain they cause? 

Maybe it's just me. My sister is the strongest person I know. Maybe she can handle it. But she shouldn't have to. 

What can I do?

I'm praying the Novena to St. Joseph. Yesterday, this awful day, I read how he is the patron of the family. I asked St. Joseph to pray for my family. Is that all I can do? Is that the best I can do?

I'm almost 27 years old. I can't imagine what this would do to a younger child. I always felt blessed that my parents never separated. Times like this make we wish they would have. There seems to be no love between them. Now it's just anger, and my sister and I have to bare the brunt. We have to be the adults. The tides have turned and I cried for 30 minutes because it fully hit me for the first time. What good is parental love towards their children if they don't love for each other. That love is supposed to be what created my sister and I. Now that lack of love is driving me further away from them, and all I have the courage to do is pray. 

Saint Joseph, head of the Holy Family, please pray for my family.