How Blessed Are We (Eulogy for My Sister)

How blessed are we… to have known Cara

For almost 34 years, this world was gifted with my big sister Cara. Many of us knew this day was coming. Prepare for as we could, no amount of preparation can ease the pain of losing her from this life. We almost lost her 6 years ago. She was in the ICU at St. Pats for a month and one night we got the call to come in because they didn’t think she was going to last much longer. Miraculously Cara survived. This last time in the hospital though, her strength finally gave out.

For those of you that didn’t know, Cara had a condition called Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Basically that meant that her muscles were very weak, and as she got older they slowly got weaker and weaker. That is why she was in a wheelchair for most of her life. She didn’t have the physical strength of most people, but my big sister was the strongest person I’ve ever known.

When thinking about readings for this the reading for the Gospel that I thought would be perfect were the Beatitudes. Cara lived the Beatitudes. She was meek and humble of heart. She fought for righteousness and justice for all. She was clean of heart and a true peacemaker.

She was the ultimate Griz fan. Only missing one home game in the last decade. Grizzly stadium will be a little quieter this next season. A true Packer fan, or “cheese head” she rarely missed watching the Packers if they were on TV. She'd even go to different mass if the Packer game conflicted with her normal Sunday mass time. The only time I ever heard Cara say anything mean was when she was yelling at the referees for making a bad call… a bad call in her view anyways. Cara loved life. Going to concerts and movies, hitting the town with friends. She never let anything slow her down.

I’ve had a little slide show on my computer for many years of my big sister Cara. Every group of youth i worked with I made sure to share her story with. How she never gave up. How she refused to the listen to the “experts” that said she probably wouldn’t be able to handle the rigors of college. I would tell that how inspirational she was to me and how I hoped she might be a source of inspiration for them.

I have no doubt that Cara inspired many people. Every person she met became an instant friend. If you ever feel like you haven’t been loved, I can honestly and sincerely tell you that if you knew Cara, you were, and are loved. Cara lived a life of love. A life we should all try to emulate.

There is so much more I could say about my big sister Cara. How she loved her independence. How she loved working out at New Directions at the University, where I’m pretty sure she enjoyed flirting with the cute college guys more than anything. How she loved playing Yatzee with our grandmother and great aunts, and making her favorite 7 layer dip every 4th of July.

The most important thing I want everyone to remember about Cara is how she loved and how she saw the best in every person.

I remember driving with her one day, which I did many times. I don’t know how we started talking about heaven and purgatory, but I remember telling her that I was pretty sure that she would be going straight to heaven. If she ever sinned, it wasn’t much, so her time in Purgatory I figured would be short or none at all. What I remember the most though is after telling her this, we sat in silence for a while. I could see she was thinking. What she said kinda shocked me, but looking back on it now, it makes perfect sense. She said to me “well, I’m pretty sure you will go right to heaven too”. I can assure all of you I’m not, but Cara didn’t see my many faults or mistakes. She always saw the best in me and I guarantee she saw the best in all of you, her family and friends.

Lastly I want to share some things that I know Cara would want all of us to know.

To all of her many, many friends, thank you. Thank you for the joy and the laughter you shared with her.

To her extended family, thank you for all the good times around the table and all fun we had.

To her doctors and nurses, thank you for taking such good care of her of the years.

To Brian, thank you for being a great big brother and taking care Cara when she was little.

To Dad, thank you for providing for every need Cara ever had. You were her favorite chauffeur and companion at Griz games.

And finally to Mom. You were her best friend, her travel companion and best shopping buddy. Your selfless love is a lesson to all of us. It wasn’t always easy, but Cara loved you more than you can know. Thank you for taking such good care of her for her whole life.

Cara is gone from this world and it might be hard to believe, but she can love us more fully now than she ever could before. She can and will be truly present with each of us.

So it’s okay to mourn her loss and shed some tears. But know that Cara is will us, through the laughter and the tears. Her love, like God’s love will never fade.

I love you Sis.

Into the Unknown...Again

I finished my year as a bandaid for a parish in my home town. It was a good experience that allowed me to learn a lot and make some new friends while spending more time with my family.
As of July 1st I have been officially unemployed. After the usual crazy week around the 4th I've been spending a lot of time at my grandmothers. She will be 90 years old this November and has been living alone for over a year since my grandfather passed away. Not a whole lot as been done as far as upkeep around her 75 acre little farm. I've been moving sprinkler pipes, mowing and cleaning the shop and barn, along with other things... and I've been enjoying it a lot. I'm glad I can be here for her now since I wasn't very present while she was taking care of my grandpa as he struggled with dementia.
All of that is in the past now. I have today and hopefully I'll be blessed with a tomorrow, and that's how I'm kinda living life right now.  In many ways I'm waiting for things to happen but I'm trying really hard to not let that distract me from what I have right now.
I'm still single, am totally fine with that and have no desire to become a priest (which I still get asked about all the time). Maybe there is someone out there for me. If there is I don't feel like I have a lot to offer, but we'll see what happens.
Into the unknown again.

The Cross is Steady

The Carthusian order of monks have a motto: Stat crux dum volvitur orbis, which in Latin means, “The Cross is steady while the world is turning.”

My world is turning right now. Back home in Montana my grandfather is dying. Dementia has been slowly affecting him for the last 4 to 5 years but it has been rapidly speeding up as of late. My grandmother has thankfully been getting more help. It seems to figure that as soon as she has gotten help he has started to quickly deteriorate. 

Since I left home in August there has been the worry of sad news coming every time my cell phone has rung. That feeling looms even deeper now that I truly know that that call will be coming sooner rather than later. 

That was a choice I had to make over the summer. How much of it was really my decision, in the end, I really cannot tell. The need to get back into doing some kind of ministry drove me only a year ago now. I could have taken a job closer to home, but this job seemed like a better fit. I honestly thought it would probably be easier as well (my laziness has unfortunately guided too many of my decisions in life).  So I moved over 1000 miles from home knowing that my grandfather could pass at any time. As of right now, I do not regret my decision to move. My time here teaching these students has honestly been a good thing I truly believe. The students I have worked with, at the very least, have less of a bad taste in their mouths towards God and the Catholic Church. At the recent senior retreat I truly felt like I had made an impact on them thanks in large part to their own words.  

As I have said before I've felt like my work here has been that of a missionary. Leaving home to bring to good news of Jesus Christ to those who are in need of God's love is what I have done.  This is not something I have done perfectly, but I have tried to do it with great love.

There is a statement made by Jesus to one of his disciples that has always bothered me a bit.

"Follow me, and let the dead bury their dead." - Matthew 8:22

 I feel as though I have in a sense done just this. Leaving my home to witness to the Gospel while my grandfather has wasted away has been tough. Some would say I should have stayed. At this point I believe I am meant to be where I am. The struggles my family has gone though were ones that I could not have done much to have eased. Maybe I am trying to convince my self of this. God only knows. But I do know that I will be able to return home when I am needed to help bury my grandfather and console my family. For this I am truly thankful.

So the cross remains steady, and thankfully, if I focus on that cross, the turning of the world seems less chaotic.

Peace all

Kinda Just Waiting

I was able to go home for the first time since I moved to Minnesota just recently. Not much has changed at home. Driving around town and visiting with people was familiar and comforting. I've missed home; the mountains, my family, the outdoors, my friends. It was good to be home. 

Of course the thoughts went through my mind of moving back home as soon as possible. Going through multiple lists in head almost on a daily basis I can't say I managed to figure out much. A few I do know though. 

I'm needed where I'm at right now.

Home will always be there.

I just have to be patient and trust.

I'm also kinda just waiting. I hate to say it but I'm kinda just waiting for someone to die.

My grandfather is not doing great. His dementia is slowly getting worse, as it does, and the strain of taking care of him is weighing on my grandmother who still is not asking for help. After him, really anyone might be called to the next life at anytime of my family that is back home. I knew taking this job that it probably be my last opportunity to move farther away while things were still fairly normal at home. 

So I don't regret being where I am. I'm ready to be home but unfortunately it could take a death to get me home. I do not want to leave my teaching job early so I'm praying that thing back home can stay stable enough until I can move back. 

I've lived long enough to know that my best laid plans can get thrown out in the blink of an eye. Therefore, all I can do is keep doing what I'm doing. I have to keep working while I'm waiting, and also keep praying.

Peace all

When Family Time is Tough

My grandfather is on his way to full blown dementia. He's not too far gone yet, but watching the slow slide is not an easy thing for any of us.
Leaving the house is an ordeal for him and my grandmother. Being away from his house at all is tough. When he's at our house it's not long before he's ready to leave and head home. I know my grandmother needs to get out of the house, but it's such a struggle with him.
Tonight they came over for the Super Bowl. My grandpa used to be a big football fan, but he has no interest in much of anything anymore. He does like to talk sometimes, and that is always something that makes me nervous. He'll tell old stories, ones we've all heard before. I don't know why, but he likes to tell stories about his interactions with black people. This seems to go along with his tendency to be very crude lately. Saying racist or just mean things, always with a laugh from him, are getting more common. He also likes to make comments about my dad. Sometimes he says nice things, usually when he doesn't happen to be around my dad. But as soon as he is around my dad his comments become crude.
With the amount medications he's taking he also has, I guess you could say, bathroom problems. He has to wear an adult diaper and his smell is not a pleasant one. I know my grandmother does her best to keep him clean, but when they leave the house there isn't much she can do.
We've told her that when she needs help she needs to let us know. Hopefully she will, and hopefully my family will be able to step up and help however we can.
This is another aspect of my life that I have to give up to God in a lot of ways. My grandpa is healthy enough that he could live for a while longer. Sometimes I also get the hint that he's more aware of what is going on than we think he does. Also, watching some in my family treat him like a child is tough.
So many things to offer up to God, and all I know to do is act with compassion and love towards him and my grandma. Time with my grandpa is getting tough, but I know it's important, for all of us.

Lord, you take care of it, Your will be done.

Peace all