Climbing the Mountain

On the Feast of the Assumption of Mary I heard an analogy for the faith life that I really liked. Father spoke of Mary as one who reached the pinnacle of the mountain of faith. Throughout her life she kept ascending, continually climbing higher and higher. At the end of her time on earth she had reached such heights that God assumed her up into heaven, body and soul. No other person has made it as far as Mary has, so God set her as the mark, the goal for the rest of us to shoot for but will never be able to reach.

In life there are many paths that people take.

• Some barely leave the foothills of the mountain of faith because they have not been taught or shown the path they should take. 
• Many wander around looking for another mountain to climb. They climb to the heights of this hill only to find that the satisfaction they hoped to find at the top is actually not there. 
• Some climb a ways only to start going sideways, being content with where they are at in the climb.
• I've known many who climbed at almost a sprint, only to get worn out, or possibly after having lost sight of the peak they were seeking, they stop the climb and even turn back.

And some, hopefully with myself included, climb as best they can. Each step might be tough but Jesus graces us with reminders of the goal of the climb. And thankfully, there at the top is Mary, who has already made the climb and is ever so eager to help us with the ascent.

Verso l'alto!

Peace all

Commencement Speech for 2017

Thank you for the privilege of being your graduation speaker. First of all, I’d like to say congratulations, you did it, you made it. All your work has paid off and now you sit here surrounded by your classmates for most likely the last time.

I’ve never given a graduation speech. What I know about these speeches is they are supposed to be filled with good advice and plenty of encouragement to you, the graduates. So that is what I intend to do. Give you the last bit of advice that I can and offer you some hard truths and joyful encouragement.

At the beginning of the year you might remember that I told all of you I was going to treat you like adults. I would not force you to listen or learn anything beyond what was expected of you because that is the way it will be for you after high school.  No one will hold your hand and guide you along the way once you leave this hill for the last time. As it turned out many of you were not ready for that.  For my part, I’d like to say that I am sorry. I’m sorry for not being a better teacher who truly challenged you day in and day out. I hoped that some of the freedoms I would allow might help you to flourish. Instead, I got subpar work and performance compared to what you were all capable of. You’ve been conditioned and allowed to put in the least amount of effort in order to get the passing grade or the much coveted “A” and that has been a disservice to all of you. When it came to written assignments, do you know how many times I was asked, “How much do I have to write” or “How long does this have to be?” Too many to count. Those questions had nothing to do with learning. They scream to the teacher “what is the least amount of effort I need to put into this to get a good grade?” I did try to break you out of this mindset by never giving anyone a perfect grade on any project. Many of you asked why points were taken away. My answer was always “no one is perfect” and today I add to that... “you could have done more”. Just doing the basics is not going to change the world. To approach excellence you must go above and beyond, and that is not easy.  If you think you’ll be able to wow professors or bosses in the future simply by doing the bare minimum you will be woefully disappointed. So I urge you, do more than you need to. Give all that you can to everything you do. Write more, because you want to prove and share your knowledge. Study harder because you want to deepen and solidify your understanding. In everything you do, put forth all the passion and enthusiasm that you can, because from now on, it’s all on you.

You’ve been told many times just how great of students you all are. Well, I’m not going to be telling you that tonight. Honestly, you’ve barely scratched the surface of what you are capable of.  Many of you have shared with me your dreams for the future. Those dreams are very much achievable but that path will not be easy.  And it certainly won’t be as easy as anything most of you have done in your educational career so far. So yes, be happy for graduating high school, but know full well that it is what you do from here on out that will determine whether your dreams are achievable.

When it comes to your future and your life ahead, there are a few things I hope you’ll remember.

The first is a tough lesson - have a healthy distrust for your emotions.

Today, society tells you that your emotions are so gosh darn important.  Society tells you that your feelings matter so much, that everyone else should care about them. Well guess what, that is ridiculous. Emotions can be good things, but when you start letting them run your life you will be in for a world of hurt. Making critical decisions while in a state of emotional upheaval is one of the worst things you can do, and I’m telling you that from experience. Logic and reason are some of your greatest tools and if you’re making a decision without them, only going by what you “feel,” you will likely regret your decision. You have a brain and a heart, use both of them.

My second piece of advice is simply this… be joyful. Smile more, laugh more and be kind to the people you meet and are surrounded by. From the very start of school to the very end, this class has been great at “throwing stones”. I encouraged you at senior retreat to be kinder to one another. Some of you tried, but old habits die hard as they say. Pointing out others faults and antagonizing someone to see what reaction you can get are not ways to make friends or keep them. Complain less, don’t be as critical and please just be kind. Do this and you will have joy in your life.

At this point some of you might be thinking: what kind of theology teacher is this guy? He has yet to mention anything about God. Well, I’m saving the best for last.

Many of you seemed almost traumatized from past experiences when I arrived here at Loyola. This led me to quickly realize that I needed to first and foremost...show you love. More specifically you all needed to see the face of Jesus Christ in me, and that is what I tried to do. Right from the start I told you all that I was here because I love you. I left my home and family because of that love for you. Yet, whatever I was able to do was because of God’s love for you and for me. Wherever you are in your faith you must know that God loves you more than you can imagine, and I hope I’ve been an example that you can remember back to if you should ever doubt or question that.  You are loved and you’ve been loved during your time here at Loyola.

As for Loyola, this school that you are now leaving behind, well, some things need to change if you are to come back someday to the school you remembered. First and foremost, Jesus Christ must be the reason for this school. No longer can Loyola just be because a few really want it to be. The legacy of Loyola as a great school will not carry it much farther the way things are going. Many of your teachers did their very best to show you the face of Christ over the years and they will continue to even after you leave. But Christ’s love needs to be reflected from the very top down here at Loyola. Jesus Christ must be the driving force for this school because as humans our best is not enough. The true teachings of the Catholic faith that Christ established almost 2000 years ago need to be renewed as the focal point for everything that goes on within this community. That means embodying the rich history of Catholicism through caring, compassionate love, while not being afraid to dish out the tough love this world needs. Jesus needs Loyola to wake up and be the shining beacon of faith on the hill that it can and should be.

Class of 2017, you need to do that as well. Place God’s love at the center of your life. When you are struggling, ask God for guidance. When things are going great, stop and say “thank you”. When you need to feel loved, go to Mass. That is one of the greatest things about being Catholic. We are all united in the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass. Heaven and earth become one when we celebrate at the altar of God. Because of that, we don’t have to say “goodbye”, we can simply say “see you at mass”.

Pope Francis says “Every person is a story of love that God writes on this earth.” Go out and continue to write your story of love and change the world with the unending love that God pours out for each and every one of you.

As I finish things up here, I’d like one last time to pray the words that we prayed every day in my class. Words that I hope you will never forget. So together let us begin in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit. Soul of Christ, sanctify me…

Amen

Thank you Class of 2017. I love you and I’ll see you at mass.

Dealing With Death

Most every day in class I ask a few questions to kind of get things started. They might have something to do with the days or they might not. I've asked a wide range of questions and as you can imagine I've gotten a wide range of answers from these teenagers.
Recently I asked some questions about death. Teaching a world religions course we look at how the different religions look at death, so I asked three questions to get my students thinking. These were the questions I asked...

     1. What do you believe happens to humans after they die?
     2. How have you come to this belief?
     3. Is death something you fear? Why or why not?

Most students gave the expected answers. They believe we either go to heaven or hell with a few mentioning purgatory. That they learned this from parents, the church or religion class. Most were somewhat afraid of death, with hoping not to die young for fear of not doing enough on earth. Pretty standard answers until I got to a student who has bugged me all year.

Here are this students answers to the three questions...

     1. Undecided

     2. There’s so many different beliefs and stories that say what happens. Too much to sift through. I’d rather just not waste my time until I’m faced with it

     3. Yes, because it’s unknown. You can control most things in your life and how to happen, but not death.

The answer to #2 has really gotten to me. I give this student credit in saying what others would not or do not fully comprehend. Most teenagers live this way anymore. Well, honestly, many adults do as well. That mentality is frustrating to me though, and again, I feel almost powerless to help change it. 

Death is not a problem, it is something we will all face. Yet so many don't want to think about what is to happen after death. There are a great number of feet firmly planted in this world with no desire to look heavenward until they feel they absolutely have to.

I've been thinking about death a great deal lately. Only a few hours after I wrote my last post my grandfather passed away.

Rest in peace Pop. I love you.

Why Am I Catholic?

Because it's tough, it's a constant challenge and it gives my life meaning.
Life would be boring and mundane if it weren't for my Catholic faith.
I fail constantly and struggle each and every day. In that struggle I feel alive though.
I see what kind of lives people lead who don't have the challenges of living up to something greater. When we set our own expectations and limits we can change them as we feel. Life becomes boring when I can set my own rules and go with whatever "I" think is best.
But with my Catholic faith the objectives are set in stone and on my heart. The rules don't change to my own whims. What I feel or think doesn't matter when the truth is there right inside of me.
Yes, it's a struggle, but I know in my heart the struggle is worth the outcome.

Finding the desire to pray, sit quietly and listen is tough most days though.
A few of my students compare me to Jesus. The only reason they do is because they don't know of anyone else who lives like me or acts like me. Yet I know there are much better people than myself out there.
It's a struggle to not get caught up in material things, like bikes and guns, which are my two hobbies at the moment. If I spent the time talking to God that I do thinking about bikes and guns, well, maybe I'd be able to truly say I do love God.
The more I learn and grow the more I see how I don't love God.
I'm trying, not always hard or hard enough, but I'd at least like to think that I'm trying.
I'm also trying to not compare myself to others. The less of that I do the more humbled I feel.
So I'm Catholic because it's hard. It's not easy living this life when it goes against a great deal of what society preaches and what the world expects from me.
If only I can keep reaching toward heaven and start letting go of this world a little more each day.

Peace all

Today's Youth Are Boring and Headed for Hell

The self-proclaimed atheists do everything they can to try to not fit in with society. They don't look boring with their colored hair, but truly they are. They have no true aspirations in life and only want to "do their own thing" which means follow anything that isn't main stream. Their lives are so boring they spend all day trying to convince themselves they aren't happy even though they have nothing to complain about when it comes to the basics of life. And they'll fight the Catholic faith every chance they get just because it gives them a bit of a rush.
But don't worry, they aren't the only boring ones. The good kids are just as boring these days. Getting so caught up in good grades and getting into the college of their dreams means they live lives so over planned and lacking of any excitement they don't know what actual passion is.
The kids that actually have a passion for something get ostracized for being different and not fitting any one of the acceptable molds.
Parents are so caught up in making money and what society dictates their children should be doing they have no idea what their kids might actually have interests in. It's no wonder the kids have no passions. Parents do all they can to support their kids while failing to teach their kids essentials in life. Families don't spend time together anymore, yet parents complain that their kids schedules are so filled up.  They let their kids pick where they want to go to school and what classes they want to take and at the end of the day their kids have free reign to believe and do whatever they like.

A debate broke out in one of my classes today. A very staunch pro-life student ended up getting hit from all sides by other students who were pro-choice. Everything from "the government has no say in what I do to my body" to "a fetus is not a human" where hurled at her in very nonchalant ways that it was almost unsettling. The grip the culture of death has on a great deal of our youth is scary. Their only passions are self pride and selfishness.

I fear for a lot of souls and don't quite know what I can do.
God help us.

Kinda Just Waiting

I was able to go home for the first time since I moved to Minnesota just recently. Not much has changed at home. Driving around town and visiting with people was familiar and comforting. I've missed home; the mountains, my family, the outdoors, my friends. It was good to be home. 

Of course the thoughts went through my mind of moving back home as soon as possible. Going through multiple lists in head almost on a daily basis I can't say I managed to figure out much. A few I do know though. 

I'm needed where I'm at right now.

Home will always be there.

I just have to be patient and trust.

I'm also kinda just waiting. I hate to say it but I'm kinda just waiting for someone to die.

My grandfather is not doing great. His dementia is slowly getting worse, as it does, and the strain of taking care of him is weighing on my grandmother who still is not asking for help. After him, really anyone might be called to the next life at anytime of my family that is back home. I knew taking this job that it probably be my last opportunity to move farther away while things were still fairly normal at home. 

So I don't regret being where I am. I'm ready to be home but unfortunately it could take a death to get me home. I do not want to leave my teaching job early so I'm praying that thing back home can stay stable enough until I can move back. 

I've lived long enough to know that my best laid plans can get thrown out in the blink of an eye. Therefore, all I can do is keep doing what I'm doing. I have to keep working while I'm waiting, and also keep praying.

Peace all

An Uphill Battle

In my first 3 weeks of being back in the classroom as a teacher I've been reminded many times just how horrible Catholic faith education has been in the last 50 years. I'm honestly surprised I made it through okay. It's truly by the grace of God that He pulled me through things and found ways to teach me the truths of the Catholic faith.  So I know the truths, the goodness and the beauty of the Catholic faith and now it's my job to teach those to a bunch of kids who have not been taught those things very well at all. The few of my students that do have at least a basic understanding of the goodness of the Catholic faith are ones who have parents who have taught them those.
Overall, my students like me, but many don't like the Catholic faith at all. They have many questions but unfortunately many of those questions have never been answered or were answered in ways they didn't like so they stopped caring. Societies grip on many them is very evident and any truth bomb I might drop on them will just turn them father away.
I'm beginning to understand that 70% of my teaching this year has to be about the beauty of the Catholic faith, 20% needs to be the goodness and the last 10% will be the truths. When they are hungry for the truth I'll give it to them and pray it doesn't turn them off.

Here's to a challenging year.
Peace all

Holding Back the Tears

I'm struggling right now. There have already been a few moments today when I've had to fight back the tears as I felt them start to well up.
Today I'm presenting to my classes a bit more about me. I spent last night making a PowerPoint about myself, with pictures and a little poem explaining what I come from. I had to quickly go through the pics with my family because, well, I couldn't cry in front of my students on only the second day of class.
I don't know why I'm struggling so much. I truly believe this is a place where I can do some good, but I miss home, my family, friends and Montana. Right now those feeling are overpowering the excitement I had for being here. The struggle of being a teacher again is hitting me and all my mind can go to is the thought of being back home where I'm comfortable and surrounded with what I know and love.
But I can't go home. I've made a commitment to be here and to be the best teacher I can be for my new students. And honestly I know if I was at home right now I'd be bored and thinking about how I should be somewhere doing something more productive with my life. Knowing that doesn't help me much right now though.
I miss home.

Feelings of Doubt

Well, I did it again. I moved away from home back to Minnesota. Through the whole process I've felt pretty good about my decision. When I got here I was reassured when I both saw and heard how in need this school is of a change in their Theology program. There is another new teacher who I'll be working with and we also got an apartment together so I'm not completely alone.
Still, today had moments that got me down. Nothing that happened externally, just in my own head. Feelings of doubt and missing my family have almost brought me to tears today. They are the same feelings I had when I moved to Minnesota the first time 10 years ago. I held back the tears back then and I'm still able to today, but the feelings still suck.
Luckily, I know from experience that in time things will get better. I'll connect with my roommate/coworker more and get to know my students better. All of that will ease the pain of being away from home again.
I know that Jesus is with me and I'm trying to do His will. There souls here that I'll come in contact with for a reason and I have to trust that. The feeling of being alone won't last and the desire to just be with my family will lessen after I travel home for the first time.
Until then, I'm trying to have a healthy distrust of my emotions and do what Jesus brought me here to do to the best of my ability.
I just wanna cry, but I wont. I'll buck up, trust that I'm where I need to be and do what needs to be done for my students and this new school I'm at.

Peace all

Catholic First

Growing up at a Jesuit parish was not a big deal to me, mostly because I didn't know what being Jesuit meant until later in my high school days. Like many out there, I've read the "Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything" which definitely helped me gain a deeper understanding and appreciation for the Jesuits.
Yesterday was Saint Ignatius Loyola's feast day, which wasn't celebrated due to it being a Sunday. For lots of reasons the Jesuit Order is a part of my life, so these past few days have lead me to do some reflecting on the Order.
Unfortunately my stupidity and overall humanity showed through at the start of this process when I shared a blog article with a friend. The blog talked about how the numbers of Jesuits seem to be declining while the Jesuits themselves report that their numbers are increasing. My friend is lifelong Jesuit educated and is joining the Jesuit Volunteer Corps for the next year, so she's proud of and very defensive of the Jesuits. So I shared the article on her facebook page because that's the easiest way to do it honestly. I didn't expect a response, but she did write a long comment on it, which was very defensive, attacked the author and commented on how she'd have me rather than post it on her wall for all to see have me send it to her in a private message. Clearly I struck a nerve.
I don't like upsetting people, especially friends, but this incident has bothered me. And I guess my humanness is showing because the more I think about this the less I'm upset about making her mad and more frustrated with the current state of the Jesuit Order.
You don't have to be steeped in knowledge of the Catholic Church to notice that Jesuit institutions are frequenting the presses. They are not getting headlines because they are following church teachings, because that it not note worthy in our society. They get headlines and articles because they aren't. Just Google "Georgetown" and "Catholic" and see what pops up.
I'm frustrated because knowing pretty the life of Saint Ignatius I can't imagine he is happy with the way many in his order are conducting themselves.
The article I shared was fine, but the last paragraph is what got me and I much appreciated the point that was made.

This Sunday might be an opportunity for wayward Jesuits — instead of the usual celebration of the great Saint and his Company — to focus attention on the Eucharist and the unity of all the Faithful with the Magisterium of the Church, which should be the foundation for Jesuit education and spirituality. I bet that St. Ignatius would approve.

Many "soldiers for Christ" are not following their calls to lead people to Christ and fight for the side of truth of goodness. I know this from my own personal experience.

At the end of the day my hope is that my friend will take the criticisms of the Jesuits in stride and remember we are all Catholic first, and that means so much more than any order or group we happen to identify with that is man made.

What Am I Building?

In the mountains behind my grandparents farm, 7.5 miles back, is a lake that is the headwaters for the creek that runs through the property. I've always wanted to hike into the lake so I finally did it.
Setting out alone I made it to the lake in about 4 hours. I wet my line and 5 nice cutthroat trout later I headed back down.
My legs were tired and feet felt like they were being rubbed raw, but I made it back to the car in 3.5 hours.
As I drove home I turned to the Catholic Channel and listed to two guys who I've actually met and traveled through Israel with, Fr. Dave and Brett. After such a long solitary hike it was nice to hear something I could connect to and what I connected with was what Brett was talking about.
Brett is a few years older than myself. He just recently lost his grandmother, which, as he stated has caused him to reflect on and look at his own life.  He's not married and has lived his life up to this point just doing things for himself, having fun and enjoying life the whole time. What he reflected on was his own family and how his family over many years was built. He seemed to almost feel guilty because his grandmother who he just lost was in a very different situation when she was his age. Looking also at his parents, he noted that his family had built over many years  very loving and caring surroundings through selfless actions and careful planning. But his reflection looked at himself and how he hasn't really built up anything similar to that up to this point.
I very much understood what Brett was getting at. I've been doing the same thing since I hit adulthood and currently there is no end to my current lifestyle. Being 29, single, living at home with only a stable job during the summer months I'm not really building anything for my future at the moment.
That's where I know my faith comes in. Yes, I'd love to have a family and all that goes with it, but that wont happen over night, which is something that Brett noted as well. When the time is right, God will have prepared me for whatever my future holds. There are things I can do, like start saving more money, but all this time my character and personal integrity has been under construction, which isn't a bad thing at all.
When the time is right things will fall into place. I trust in God that I'll be ready when that time comes.

Peace all

I'm Getting To This Point

I'm a very patient person when it comes to a lot of things. Working in retain has given me even more patience to go along with the patience I gained from being a teacher.
Lately I've thought about how impatient I am when it comes to big things. The wait for the big events in life like a new move, a new relationship. When it comes to those things I'm not as patient.
At the moment I'm being impatient but I guess the first step to getting better is recognizing my problem.
I know God has great plans for me. I just need some more patience.

Peace all

A Year in Review

I know it's only May, but things are coming around full circle for me which has lead me to a good deal of reflecting lately.
I left my job as a youth minister to move home with the intent of going back to school. My childhood dream of being a wildlife biologist was still hanging out there, so I figured why not. After a few classes and the realization that I love wildlife but not all the crap you have to go through to study and work with them, I've moved on from that.
I'll admit that I've missed ministry. With many people I know in ministry having full knowledge that I'm still around I figured I'd still be able to do a bit. But nobody contacted me for help and the closest I got was being a confirmation sponsor. I still don't know how to take that.
So for the past few months I've been searching for direction. I've applied for jobs in the Midwest with the basic knowledge that there are jobs out there and a lot more Catholic young adults. I've formulated a few possibilities of what I can do, but haven't gotten any answers yet.
A couple weeks ago I got a call from my summer time boss who works for the diocese. He told me one of the largest parishes in our diocese was looking for a youth minister and getting to the point of being desperate. He told me that it was kind of a waste that a person with my skills was going unused in our diocese. That was nice to hear. So I called and talked to the priest and talked to my boss some more. Basically this has just added another possible direction I can go.
In the last few weeks I also got some rejections from positions I applied to in the Midwest. Parishes and Bishops like to keep things local as my boss told me. So having not heard from others positions I applied to coupled with the rejections I figured I could count out moving out of Montana. Then this morning I got a call from a priest in the Midwest. We chatted for a bit, mostly me just telling him about myself. He confirmed that it would be a bit of a culture shock for me but I assured him I was up for the challenge. It was difficult to read his thoughts and feelings about me so quickly, but he asked me if I could fly out for an interview next week. I take that as meaning he's interested, but I informed him I wouldn't be able to do that on such short notice. We agreed to set up a time to Skype for next week.
So now I don't know what to do. I've got options, but I don't know how excited I am to move so far away again. If I feel like I'm needed and could do good things in Midwest I feel like I can't count out doing that even though I'd be leaving a lot behind in Montana.

Things will work out. God is teaching me patience, that is for sure.

One awesome thing I was able to do this past year was to compete in Timbersports for my university. We just finished up the season last week. I've been very blessed to be on a team with great people and to be able to learn things that most people never get a chance to experience.

Here's some pics of the crazy things I've done.

Peace all

Loving Embrace Like No Other

For the first time in while I was asked to be a confirmation sponsor. So last night I found myself sitting in church for a mass I hadn't been to in 12 years. The last time I was at this mass I was an altar server. The year before I had been at the mass for my own confirmation. Our diocese was in between bishops so I was confirmed by the chancellor of the diocese who was a Monsignor. But 12 years ago I was there for the mass as an altar server because my best friend and his girlfriend were getting confirmed. It's a memory I will never forget. Standing to the right of and slightly behind our new bishop, I held the oil of chrism as he confirmed many of my peers, and more importantly my best friend and his future wife.
Last night I was back. This time I was sitting as a sponsor with a wonderful young lady sitting in front of me waiting in anticipation to be confirmed by that same bishop that confirmed by friends 12 years before.
As mass went on, as usual, words of the bishops homily got me thinking. There have been many people I have been praying for recently and the word "embrace" caught my ear. I've never thought much about hugging Jesus, but when I have it was always myself Jesus was embracing. But last night I imagined Jesus embracing those that I've been praying for and that image brought me more joy than I can explain or understand. My mind almost raced as I went through each image in my mind of Jesus lovingly embracing all the people I care so much more, some I've met and some I've never met.
More and more each day I'm coming to understand that I need to place my trust in Jesus and I also need to understand that Jesus loves those that I love infinitely more than I can, so I need to trust in Him when it comes to those that I love.
I long for everyone to experience the loving embrace of Jesus.

Peace all

Being A Lonely Sign

Father said something during his homily this morning that got me thinking. I honestly don't remember much else of what he said, and I can't give a direct quote. He gave a sentence about signs and how they are not meant to be the end goal, they are meant to point to point to something greater.
I get that and it makes total sense to me. When you're driving you don't stop at the sign that tells you where to turn, you turn at the sign and keep going. Signs are meant to direct and even give hope that there is something greater ahead.

This got me thinking about how I've been a sign for others. I sincerely hope that I have been a sign for the youth I've ministered to, hopefully pointing them to God. That is the greatest and most crucial job of the youth minister or theology teacher, or it is for me at least.
But how have I been a sign for others?

Was I pulled into the life of a young mother for almost four months only to be a sign for her that there are good guys out there?
Is my profile on a Catholic dating site just there give hope to women who are searching, but aren't searching as far as Montana?
I'm I destined to continue to be a lonely sign?
Have I been a sign to my friends that trusting in God takes time because I still don't know what to do with my life?
Did I feel the need to come back home only to be a sign to my family that I haven't figured out anything yet but I'm still a good kid?

I just want to be a sign that points to Jesus, but I don't know how I'm being asked to be that sign right now.

Peace all

Fearful Yet Overjoyed

If you attended daily mass today you've already heard the words "fearful and overjoyed". This is how the Gospel writer Matthew describes the women as they ran from the empty tomb on the morning of Jesus Christ's resurrection.
These days I find myself feeling very much the same way, though sometimes the fearful part approaches that of being too much.
What I will be doing and where I will be come this fall is still very much a mystery to me. I'm very much torn between a desire to continue in ministry, which will take me away from home, and a desire to stay home and help my family.
My sister has been going through some tough things lately. The roommate she had up until recently was nothing but trouble so she is in need of a new one. Also, one of her caretakers has been very flaky and recently turned in her two week notice, so my sister is also looking for another personal care assistant. She's asked me before if I wanted to be her roommate, but right now I can't afford it and would have to move out in a few months anyway for my summer job.
If I do end up staying close to home I could be a good, stable roommate for her come this fall. That would mean I'd have to have a full time job and I wouldn't be able to travel much because she needs someone around every night in case of emergencies. I'm willing to do that, and would love to do that, but I don't know if that's what I need to do.
I'm looking at and applying for jobs in ministry and teaching. None of them are close to home and would require a big move on my part. All of which I'm willing to do.
To get back to it all, I'm fearful that I will make the wrong decision and regret where I am come this fall. Yet, I'm overjoyed at the possibilities that lie ahead of me.
I'm very much torn, while at the same time trying to keep emotions out of this and just let God guide me.

I'm praying the Divine Mercy Novena with the hope that God will give me at least a clear direction to head in.

Peace all

Online Dating Article Too Funny?

I enjoy Eye of the Tiber. If you have a sense of humor, it's really funny.
A friend posted this article on the book face.
On-line dating is tough, there is no doubt about that. When I started off on the on-line dating route I'll admit I was almost as bad as the guy in the article.  I had high hopes of finding a beautiful and pure Catholic woman. There are many out there, don't get me wrong. I even met one, messed things up, had a second chance, but decided against it because of our mutual lack of openness to whatever the future might hold. Everything was there, but I couldn't do it because we both had different thoughts. So I've never been as bad as the guy in the article, but it has taken me a while, and a lot of humbling moments to get me to where I am now.
My past isn't spotless. There are many things I'm not proud to admit. So in that sense, I will never hold a persons past against them. My hope is that they have learned from their mistakes, as I have mine, as well as sought forgiveness from God, which is an ongoing process for me. Before a few years ago I had no desire to date anyone who had children. That was solely a pride thing. If I was going to marry someone I wanted to be the first person they'd ever be with. This is the exact mind set as the guy in the article, and I'm kind of embarrassed to admit that I even had those thoughts.
However, attraction is still a major part of dating and discerning marriage, should dating a person ever get to that point. Unfortunately with on-line dating, you might only have access to one picture of a person and from that you can, or have to, make a lot of decisions. I've almost agonized over what picture I would have on my profile. Being terribly un-photogenic, its tough trying to pick out that one picture that I think makes me look desirable to the opposite sex. I know that my look is not going to be attractive to all women. But for my own searching, there are looks that I'm attracted to. I'm attracted to women who look healthy, who are smiling in there picture and have the confidence to even put a picture of themselves up on a profile. There are women though who I immediately do not find attractive. I don't automatically count them out, but I also don't seek to make a connection if I don't find them attractive at first.
(I actually can't really make any connection on my own, since I don't pay for the site I use)
So, basically I wore this to try to convince myself that I'm not as shallow as I think I am. A prayer that I need to pray more often is to ask God for help is loving people as He loves them and to see others as He sees them.
The search continues, but the search for God and His will for my life is the most important search I'm doing right now.

Peace all

God's Love For Each of Us

There are no shortage of love songs out there. At different times in my life it's been hard to listen to any of them. Though at other times they were all I wanted to listen to.
As what happens many times when I'm inspired to write, a thought hit me today. A song that my college girlfriend introduced me to. She actually put it on a CD playlist for me, back when people did that did that sort of thing. The song seemed to fit us perfectly, until it didn't.
This song honestly does not fit any relationship. It shouldn't take us finding the perfect someone to know that God loves us. But of course it's a catchy song and a feel good song. I fell right into that. Thinking someone was so perfect for me that of course that means God loves. To think that knowing God loves for you is dependent on you finding your "soul mate" is laughable. I don't even know if I believe in soul mates, for that's been covered, a few years ago I think.
What I guess I'm getting at is the simple truth that God loves us. He loves each of us more than we can imagine and nothing we do will increase or decrease that love. The sad thing is so many people don't know this or have a hard time believing it.
Love songs are nice and all, but God's love can never be summed up in a song, and neither can a healthy human relationship for that matter.

The Need for Fertilizer

And he told them this parable: “There once was a person who had a fig tree planted in his orchard, and when he came in search of fruit on it but found none, he said to the gardener, ‘For three years now I have come in search of fruit on this fig tree but have found none. [So] cut it down. Why should it exhaust the soil?’ He said to him in reply, ‘Sir, leave it for this year also, and I shall cultivate the ground around it and fertilize it; it may bear fruit in the future. If not you can cut it down.’” Luke 13: 6-9

This has been one of my favorite parables since my cooperating teacher taught about it during my student teaching. It's a pretty easy parable to understand as far as Jesus' parables go, for those of us who know what the old fashioned fertilizer is.
Crap happens. Sometimes we need to be fertilized a bit for us to start bearing fruit. Fertilizer can show up in many different forms, but it will always help us to bear great fruit.

I had dinner with a friend last night. She was a part of my youth group and now she's in college and doing well. It was great talking with her and a good reminder to me that quite often age has nothing to do with the ability to have spiritual insight. I'm not very good at being a good friend or reaching out to people when I really should talk though something. I have great friends, and last night was a great reminder that God has placed wonderful people in my life for a reason.

Peace all

You'll Never

You'll never...

• be happy if you stay on this path
• find true happiness 
• be able to not worry about things
• live up to God's expectations
• be good enough for her

I went to reconciliation today. As I drove to work this morning I made sure I remembered that I had to go this weekend, I couldn't be selfish again. 

Sitting face to face with Father we had a good conversation. I shared how it seems like everything I do hits a wall and at the end of it all I'm left wondering what happened. 

Father shared how I need to look back, not at the wall, the crash and burn, but rather at what happened right before that. What I need to do is look at what led up to the crash. 

Where the devil leads a us astray is when we start to believe the statements that have finality to them. The statements I listed at the beginning of this post are ones I started to believe at one point or another in my life. The first one is the one I've struggled with the most I'll admit. 

As Father explained it, the devil tries to get us to believe these statements. That's the only manipulative power the devil has. Through God and His grace, all things are possible though. The statements of finality have no place in God's plan for our lives. I've never thought about it like that before, but it makes sense. 

I know through God all things are possible, so as I continue each day striving to do His will, I can't let these statements of finality get me down.

Peace all