I Hate Reality Checks

But I know I need them, because I'm far from perfect and I let my emotions and thoughts get the best of me sometimes.

Recently I've been very hopeful for the future. Not because of anything I have directly done but because of ways I thought God was moving my life. 

It was not quite a year ago that I really started thinking that I needed to be home. Home for my family and home to try something new for my self. I was a single guy living in a small town working for a parish. It was great, but it was also very lonely. I spent a lot of time alone at my apartment. Not being a person that needs a whole lot of social interaction, it wasn't terrible, but I was ready to move on, so I did. I quit my full time, good paying job to move home and go back to school while working a part time job. 

Things have been great. I've met knew people, joined a woodsman team and survived a semester of college after a long absence.  A great joy also came into my life through an e-mail, of all things. This great joy changed my world and honestly for the first time in my life got me thinking very hard about how I am being called to give of my life. It's been a scary thought, don't get me wrong. The thought of leaving everything and moving across the country is terrifying. But the more joy I felt and the closer I got to God because of this amazing joy, the fears started to go away. The reality that difficulties would of course be there never subsided. Still, trusting in God that maybe I was, for maybe the first time, doing His will and being called to something greater allowed the hope I had to out way the fears. 

Yet I only have control over my life and my role in God's will. This great joy I've had has doubts and fears, which I completely understand. Neither of us feels like we can commit to anything right now. If circumstances were a little bit different, the whole situation could be changed. Things are as they are though.
God said  "No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends"
I'm to the point that I'm ready, with immense help from God, to lay down my life for my friend, my great joy of these last few months. But I don't know if that is what I'm being called to do and todays events have only led to doubts about that.
My hope is that this great joy is only trying to keep me from "putting all my eggs in one basket" as they say, and not let my judgement be clouded by my emotions or unrealistic hopes.
So I'm praying for direction, patience and divine intervention. Today's reality check has rocked me, but I pray good will come out of it.

Peace all

Lord, I Want To See

Unfortunately I forget about the simple prayer of Bartimaeus. Luckily we hear it in mass about once a year I think (I'm not a liturgist), so the yearly reminder is much appreciated.
Wanting to see is such a simple thing. For Bartimaeus, it was all about his physical sight. I'm sure everyone who has heard a homily about this gospel passage knows that it means more than just physical sight for the rest of us. I get that.
Today I honestly did pray to be able to see; to see something very specific in my life. This very specific thing has huge implications on my life and where it might lead. For myself, today, I asked God to help me see the path He needs me to take with a specific person.
Am I being called to continue the path I have chosen or does God need me to give up everything and take a different path. I'm all for taking the more difficult path, but I really really want to know which path God needs me on.
Thankfully, this situation has lead to an increase in my prayer life and it's also serving as another reminder that I need to be patient.
Bartimaeus was blind for most of his life so I guess I can be patient for a few months or a year a two.

Peace all

When It Rains It Pours

I've been single for a while, which has been a good thing. A relationship would not have been something I would have been able to handle very well with my own internal struggles and growing pains. It helped that I lived in town where I was the young adult population, so temptation was very limited. But now, I'm in a town full of young single adults. After a summer of being surrounded by amazing people, when I got home and started the next chapter of my life I felt a great deal of loneliness.  That lead me to jump headlong into looking for a relationship.  My faith and values help me to stand out from other men my age and I'm finding women that appreciate that very much.
I've already posted about how that went at the beginning of this journey.
Now, I'm faced with a new problem. I know what I'm looking for and I know there are women out there looking for a guy like me. What I didn't realize is that I'd find a bunch of amazing women at the same time. I'd been hoping to get into a relationship that I would be able to discern, but how do I discern multiple relationships at the same time? I'm not sure there is a right answer.
At the end of the day this may not be a problem though. Ultimately I think this is an opportunity put my trust in God.
Also, the last thing I want to do is hurt any of these women, which I'm not sure is entirely possible. One of the best things I know I can do for these ladies I am meeting and getting to know is pray for them. So another good outcome from all this is that my prayers have increased. My prayer life is always in flux, but having more reasons to pray is not a bad thing at all.
The one true problem persists though. One of these amazing women is a long ways away from me and she happens to be the one pulling on my heart strings the most. I fear this will be another lesson in loss. But it might also be an opportunity for amazing self-giving and sacrifice. Only time will tell.
Until then, I'm praying more and placing my trust in God, so I'm truly blessed.

Peace all

Stop Searching and Start Finding

I started this post back in January but have not touched it since. After reading this quote somewhere I decided I wanted to remember it, so there is sat as a draft in my blog articles.
The phrase means something different to me now. Back in January I was contemplating my next move in life. I found what I wanted to do and I'm doing it. Apparently the phrase worked for me. I'm content with my decision and honestly happy about where I am right now. The future is bright.
With that in mind, I'm not going to stop. I'm figuring out what I want to do with my life but now I'd like to know who I'll be sharing my life with. I've already made the mistake of "putting all my eggs in one basket" as they say, so i'm not going to do that again. I'm finding friends and trying my best to be realistic about the way relationships work and how I personally work. Emotional chastity is something I need to work on. I'm trying to be more focused on being a friend first. If a relationship develops from a friendship, that's awesome and probably how it should be done. All that takes patience though, so that's another thing I'm working on.
The biggest thing though is I feel like I get it now. I'm finding and not just endlessly searching. With that comes loss, but that's okay. My only fear about loss is losing God, and I know that wont happen.

Peace all

FOMO

Fear of missing out... is driving me crazy.

I'm back trying the whole college thing again. I figure I'm still young, and I even look like a college kid if I shave my face regularly, so why not try it all again.

A big motivational driver for college kids is "fear of missing out". This keeps them from committing to things, hoping that something better might come along. Not committing to hanging out with one group of friends hoping that a cooler group of friends will contact them. I'm sure this leads to a lot of lonely nights for many.

Currently, I happen to be dealing with "fear of missing out" in a bit of a different way.
Being a single gentleman in my late 20's I'm finding myself checking out all avenues of ways to meet women. I've even gone as far as getting onto Tinder, the infamous "hook-up" app (though I'm not looking for a hook-up). Fear of missing out is driving me to try everything because I don't want to miss an opportunity. Maybe the woman for me will be in the next swipe right, or maybe if I don't check CatholicSingles tonight I might miss out on an amazing girl who might like me.
Fear of missing out is causing me to be impatient I'm afraid, but honestly, what if I get off all things and miss my opportunity? If I'm seeking something, shouldn't I actually seek and not just sit back and wait for it to come to me? But everyone says you'll find the right person when you aren't looking for them.
My mind is an endless hamster wheel over this. And it doesn't help that there are beautiful women all over campus, which is not helping me in my trying not to look.

Peace all

Dating and Being Humbled

I'm not humbled often, but when I am, whoa, it hurts. It's supposed to though, right? If being humbled didn't hurt, how could it help you. Just like muscles that need to be broken to then be strengthened, so to does the human as a whole. I know I'm far from perfect, still it hurts to be reminded of that, no matter how many times you've experienced it.
Being back home, in a bigger city, I'm testing out the dating waters. This is something I've never really done on such a scale. I've done the online thing, looking for the perfect Catholic girl. That was a great humbling moment that still hurts. I found her, lost her, had a second chance, but then let that chance slip by and only after the chance was gone did I reach out for it only to grab at nothing.
Recently I met an awesome gal. We hit it off quickly and I thought things were great until I sensed that she didn't. I got the "I just got out of a long relationship" talk and we agreed to be friends. I met her and her friends at a bar a week later only to find she was already meeting a new guy that same night. That hit me hard. She clearly was not interested in a relationship with me beyond friendship. I naively thought bit of time we had together meant something, but I guess it didn't. So humble moment number one of the last 2 weeks... I'm not that hard to get over. It's a good lesson to have learned though I think. Having these high expectations for my first relationship in a while was not a healthy thing to do, and I paid a nights sleep for it.
Today, in conversation with a gal I considered a friend, I said some things that upset her to the point that she told me to f-off. I still feel sick to my stomach about it. We've only ever texted, but I hit a nerve and apparently our friendship has paid for it.
I clearly need to focus more on God and fixing my own messes before I can be in a healthy relationship. That's a hard pill to swallow though.

The day I stop having to work on my own messes is the day I get into heaven. By the grace of God I get to grow closer to that reality ever day.

Here's to another chapter.

Peace all

Where Jesus Walked - Day 2

Waking up with a view over the Sea of Galilee was amazing. My father and I walked around the hotel while we were patiently waiting for the rest of the group so we could have breakfast.

We headed out from Tiberias to Nazareth. Our first stop was at the Greek Orthodox Church of the Annunciation. This church is build over what is believed to be the well where the women of Nazareth would have come to get water. The spot is outside the walls of the ancient town of Nazareth and about a ten minute walk from the village center.

painting over the well of the Annunciation

I say village because George explained that the Nazareth that Jesus grew up in only would have had around 200 residents.
From here we walked through the streets of modern day Nazareth, a predominantly Muslim city with 80,000 people living there. Our final destination on our walk was the Basilica of the Annunciation. The current building was constructed during the 1950's and 1960's over the ancient church which was constructed around the 4th century.

 This is a minor basilica that is run by the Franciscans. We were blessed to be able to celebrate mass here and then tour the grounds a bit. The lowest level is where the grotto of Mary is found. This is believed to be the cave/house where Mary grew up.

The 4th century church was built around this, and parts of its floor, columns and walls are still visible.

The main floor is where we celebrated mass. There were beautiful paintings and mosaics all over.
Outside there are mosaics of Mary from different countries, so Mary is represented differently in all of them.

Ireland

Back on the bus we made an unscheduled stop at Mount Precipice. This is where it is believed the people of Nazareth tried to push Jesus off a cliff after they rejected him being the Messiah.

On the bus driving back toward Tiberias we stopped at Cana. Still a small town, but bigger than it was 2000 years ago. The town is still famous for its wine. At the Church of the Wedding Feast those that were married in our group got to renew their wedding vows. They also blessed those of us that are single.

Underneath the church there are ruins of buildings, so they are fairly certain this is the spot where they would have had the wedding feast. And this wasn't just a day long feast, this would have been a three day event. Two centuries ago, when they had a party, they had a party.

Back to Tiberias and a huge dinner.

Peace all

The Holy Land, where Jesus Walked - Day 1

I was very blessed to be able to make a pilgrimage to the Holy Land recently. It was an amazing experience and I'm excited to be able to share those experiences here.

Day 1

We touched down in Israel around 4:00 in the afternoon Israeli time. I'd never flown into another country before, so going through customs and having my passport checked was a new experience. The first tell tale sign we were in Israel came while we were waiting for our group to gather. Along an eastern wall a group of Jewish men gathered. Dressed in mostly black with their payot (curled sideburns essentially) hanging down, each prayed on their own, facing Jerusalem. Being in Tel Aviv, they all faced east.  I appreciated this because it helped me get my bearings.
We loaded onto our bus and met our guide, George. He is a native to Jerusalem, with multiple college degrees and an incredible memory.
Our first stop was in Ramlah, a town south east of Tel Aviv. We celebrated mass at the Church of Joseph and Nicodemus. Named after Joseph of Arimathea who asked Pilate for the body of Jesus and Nicodemus who we hear about three separate times in John's Gospel.  Both it is believed came from this area of Israel. Two Franciscan friars and two Franciscan nuns live at and take care of the Church. One of them shared with us that during the Crusade times, it was this church that the pilgrims would start out at.

From Ramlah, we headed north to Tiberias. It took us almost two hours and it was dark, but we were definitely in a foreign country. Arriving at our hotel in Tiberias we immediately went in and had our first taste of what our meals were going to be like during our pilgrimage. Lots of pita bread, humus and other dips, fish and of course, wine.

Church High Not Needed

I love hearing conversion stories. This might not be the proper way to say it, but I feel a sense of pride in my Church when I hear how people have joined the flock.
The greatest and most common piece that brings people in, from what I have experienced, is the Eucharist. How awesome is that!
Over the last weekend I got to hear another conversion story. This gentleman and his wife were both Protestant ministers. They went through all the training and each had their own congregations that they were in charge of. Somewhere along the line they were encouraged to read up on the Church Fathers. This lead to a deeper understanding of the celebration of communion. In there denomination they were only permitted to celebrate the breaking of the bread 21 times a year... but they wanted more.  A deep desire to celebrate the breaking of the bread lead to diving in deeper into its theology and eventually lead them to the Catholic Church.
That was great to hear, but the rounding out of the story is what got me.  With the understanding that the bread and wine become the body, blood, soul and divinity of Jesus Christ, this gentleman shared that attending mass became easy. Easy in a sense that there was no stress involved, no worries about the celebration, and no wondering whether God would be present or a spiritual high attained.
Having been a Protestant minister his job every weekend was to give the people a church high. He had to provide a sense of the divine for his congregation. All the wait of that was on him and the words that he chose.  But in the Catholic celebration of the mass, there is no need for a church high. There is no need to give the congregation just the right words to make them feel good. God is present at every Catholic mass and that is the most important thing that needs to be understood. No matter what a person feels and thinks, God is there, and the priest does not have to provide proof with his words and agonize over what he will say to give the people what they need.
We all need God, and at the celebration of the mass God is always present.
Many Catholics fail to understand this and that frustrates me. If Catholics fully understand the miracle that happens at the mass, it does not matter what priest is the celebrant.
God is present. His full body, blood, soul and divinity are there and that is all we need.

Peace all

I Would Crap My Pants

Admittedly, this title is simply there to draw people in, as I am sure it will do.
This post though, is all about Mary, the Mother of God.
We honor Mary, the Theotokos, on January 1st. She's the Mother of God so it only makes sense to show her some special appreciation. When we honor Mary, we are also honoring her son, Jesus Christ.
Mary is amazing when you really think about all she went through.
Imagine if you were sitting in your house and all of a sudden an Angel appeared in front of you and started talking to you. I don't know about you, but I would crap my pants. But what did Mary do? She listened and even asked questions. Her courage and faith was so strong that she glorified God with her Magnificat after her encounter with Gabriel.
Also, think about how close Mary was to her son Jesus. Mary had over 30 years with Jesus compared his disciples and apostles who only had 3 years with Jesus. During those early years Mary would have most likely been Jesus' closest friend. Remember, King Harod had all the young boys around Jesus' age killed. Growing up with almost no boys your age around would have been tough but I'm sure led to Jesus being very close to Mary.
Mary's courage and her relationship with Jesus can never be emulated. Still, we need to look to Mary as an example for every situation in life.
In 2015, I pray that I can have courage like Mary's, trust like Mary's in God, and a relationship even just a fraction as great as Mary's with Jesus.

Peace all and Happy New Year!