My Dreams Don't Matter

Like all people I imagine, I have dreams.  Some seem to be always changing.  One will grow very strong, like recently, and then most likely die.  Others, like my dream to return home, will most likely come true, since God gave me, and all people free will.  It's the dreams that depend on other people's free will that give me the grief.  In the end though, I don't deserve others... I don't deserve to have my dreams fulfilled.

Why?

Here's why... (a thank you to Reverend-Know-it-all for the list)

1.Love God above all things and worship only Him. This means you don’t worship yourself. 

I might be one of the most selfish people God ever created.  My whole life I have 99% of the time been looking out for myself first.  Shouldn't the fact that I pour my thoughts into this stupid blog make that fairly apparent since I want others to see my struggles and try to understand me.  Warning... you are reading the blog of a selfish asshole.

2.Don’t take His name in vain. This isn't just about swearing. It means don’t call yourself a Christian and act like a pagan. 

Yep, I swear... I will admit it.. and I rarely tell my students not to when I hear them swear.  As far as being a pagan, well, self worship falls under that umbrella (see #1)

3.Honor the Lord’s Day. Everyday is the Lord’s. You have to have a life of prayer and study and above all you must go to Mass on Sunday. 

I got to mass every week, but rarely do I keep every day holy.  I read the Bible, mostly only because I have to for my job.  I could pray a lot more, and I mean a lot more... but I don't, and I have no excuses.  

4. Honor you parents. Don’t just obey them. Honor them. This means if you are a parent you must live an honorable life. 

I'm a great son, since I talk to my parents once a week and grew up taking everything I had pretty much for granted.  I didn't even go to daily mass with my father over Christmas break because I knew I would get called on to help every chance that appeared because I am the golden child, never mind that it probably brings great joy to my father to see my presence there.  Again, selfish asshole here.

5.Don’t commit murder. This includes abortion and all abortion causing drugs. 

Guilt by association.  I have not killed nor taken drugs or had a reason to use a condom.. but what have I done to keep other people I know from doing those things?  Nothing.

6. Don’t commit adultery. This is the tough one for our over-sexed society. This means one man, one woman, one faithful permanent marriage that is open to God’s gift of life. No sleeping around. No recreational sex. No “interesting” alternative life styles. Tough religion, no?

Never slept around, but probably only because I was never faced with the temptation/chance to.  I've done enough sexually to know how beautiful it can be and how bad it can hurt when not done for the reasons God created it for. Heck, I even joke about it since it such a part of the culture... I laugh about it and make lite of it. 

7. Don’t steal. This is tougher than you think. It means a day’s work for a day’s pay and a day’s pay for a day’s work. It prohibits slavery. Most of the clothes you have on are made by Chinese or Indian slaves. If you are a politician it means you can’t tax the brains out of your constituents making it impossible for them to maintain two-parent homes where children are raised by their mother, if the mother so chooses.

I am stealing the money of lots of people I am sure.  I could poor my heart into my teaching, but I don't have the heart to poor that much time into something my heart currently isn't in.  Again, selfish asshole who would rather spend his free time fixing up mountain bikes then think of interesting ways to teach his students about God.

8.You shall not lie.

I am lying to myself right now thinking that writing all of this will somehow change me. I'm just going to fall right into my selfish routines tomorrow.

9. You shall not envy peoples’ relationships 

I envy almost constantly.  I want the relationships that many of those close to me have... those with God, those with friends, those with spouses.  Yep, selfish asshole who is very much alone  with envy.

10. or possessions. 

I want nothing more then to "have" my family farm and cabin in the future, with all my mountain bikes and my truck and motorcycle and canoe, with my laptop computer and deer heads in every room, with a widescreen tv in the living room and... and... and...

And the tears well up in my eyes because I know God loves me more then I can image, yet I am so unworthy of His love because I am simply the laziest piece of shit on the earth at the moment and... my dreams don't matter... I don't deserve happiness because I have brought God very little at the times when He really needed me to. 

Fucking kick me in the ass, punch me in the face... just do something God to get me out of this.

I am not who you need me to be.  

Anticipation

It came like a dream

a thought

a longing.

A desire that has been building,

only recently

intensifying.

It makes sense

but then it haunts

like something that should not be.

A path that would

not be easy.

Just the feelings

that came with

just the simple thought of its fulfillment

oh 

how indescribable they were.

Like what heaven

might be like.

I want that feeling again.

It comes to mind

every now and then.

It should not be there,

not yet.

Still,

there it was

and continues to be.

Right now

it is just

a dream.

A dream that

might

come true.

I have dreamed before, 

still,

this dream seems so far fetched,

maybe, 

just maybe,

God has been weaving

of all my dreams,

this dream.

Or 

in the end, 

something still good

but not the full dream.

The simple thought, 

brought me to

the closest 

feeling of heaven

I have yet to experience.

Until the gazes cease,

the dream will remain, 

and anticipation

for the answer

will linger.

Holy Family

"Blessed are those who love you.  Happy those who follow you. Blessed are those who seek you oh Lord"

For the Feast of the Holy Family, this is the responsorial psalm that my parish used.  It struck me, so of course I had to put it on here.
I forget what profound things were going through my head a few days ago when I started this post, but I know one thing for sure... my family is not perfect but I can't wait to be home with them again.

Peace all

God Had A Dream

God had a dream that if he became human he could bring us all back to him.  On this night, God became flesh, because grace needs flesh and flesh needs grace. What a wonderful night, where God showed that he loves us so much that he would do anything for us. God lowered himself so much that he became human, and even the lowliest of humans. Imagine God, our savior and king, as a baby. If we fail to realize that we are a loved and blessed people, then we are missing everything. It's all about love, and maybe a dream... a dream that is still possible.
Merry Christmas

I Hate This Feeling

It's Christmas, so you would think I would be overjoyed to be home.  I am in all honesty, but one thing keeps coming up in my mind that keeps bringing me down.  Since I am young and therefore stupid in a lot of ways, a current relationship keeps bringing me troubled thoughts. I guess troubled wouldn't be the best word...I really don't know what to call it, but I can't stop thinking about it.

Being away grom home for seven years has not been easy. For a lot of that time I had a significant other which made life more enjoyable. If there is one thing I learned from that relationship it is that if your futures don't seem to be matching up  maybe you need to rethink the whole situation.

Each time I come home I see more and more how much my family misses me and needs me. I see my future bringing me home, for lots of different reasons. My grandparents have a farm that I would like nothing more then to live on someday and all of this "someday" talk is quickly approaching.

So here is the problem... this person who I have been talking to for a while and building a relationship with has no desire to leave her home and her family. They do not neee her like my family needs me and her family can travel a lot more easily then mine can. I feel like I am making it a competition of whose family is more important.

Since we are both justified by our desires to be with our families do we just call it quits right now to save the heartache or keep pushing on?

I wish I had some answers... this is not what I wanted to be worrying about on Christmas.

Merry Christmas and glory to the newborn king!

American Christians

The single greatest cause of atheism in the world today is Christians, who acknowledge Jesus with their lips, then walk out the door, and deny Him by their lifestyle. That is what an unbelieving world simply finds unbelievable.

This is the quote that started off a video I watched about four college guys from Texas that traveled around Europe talking about what it truly means to truly be Christian.  None of them were Catholic as far as I could tell.  One went to college at Georgetown, which doesn't mean anything as far as Catholicism is concerned anymore.  They talked about topics that go through my head every day... mostly things concerning the above quote... how to follow Christ.
At the end of the day, American Christianity, with the multitude of churches and the simple fact that if you don't agree with one pastor you can just find another, leaves most Americans that call themselves Christian lacking a whole lot.
I am proud to be Catholic, with faith rooted in Scripture and Tradition that was passed down from Jesus Christ, through his disciples and now through our Bishops and priests.  Every answer I have sought, the Catholic Church has had an answer.  When will Americans, and Europeans, start asking the right questions?

Peace

Almost Halfway Done and the World is Opening

We're not quite halfway through the school year.  A couple more weeks, then finals, then a long awaited visit home.
I have, for all intensive purposes, gone into this school year planning on it being my last.
Don't get me wrong... I love the students, love the school, like most of the people and find the city livable... but I am ready for something new.  I have become stagnant in many ways.
In trying to bring Christ to my students I have flat-lined.  They know me well enough and have heard enough of my talks that there is little I can say to impress them anymore.  It is almost to the point that I feel like I need to leave for their betterment with the hope that new blood will help spur the fire that I hopefully kept kindled from those that were here before me. 
I have my own desires of what I would like to do after this school year.  Still, I am not set on them and being open to anything I believe is the best way to go into my future.
With my consecration to Jesus through Mary a few short days away, I am hopeful that Mary may give me some guidance on how I can start to become the best friend and follower of her son.
And wouldn't you know it, I found a theme song for my upcoming big day of consecration.

Peace all