Like all people I imagine, I have dreams. Some seem to be always changing. One will grow very strong, like recently, and then most likely die. Others, like my dream to return home, will most likely come true, since God gave me, and all people free will. It's the dreams that depend on other people's free will that give me the grief. In the end though, I don't deserve others... I don't deserve to have my dreams fulfilled.
Why?
Here's why... (a thank you to Reverend-Know-it-all for
the list)
1.Love God above all things and worship only Him. This
means you don’t worship yourself.
I might be one of the most selfish people God ever
created. My whole life I have 99% of the time been looking out for myself
first. Shouldn't the fact that I pour my thoughts into this stupid blog
make that fairly apparent since I want others to see my struggles and try to
understand me. Warning... you are reading the blog of a selfish asshole.
2.Don’t take His name in vain. This isn't just
about swearing. It means don’t call yourself a Christian and act like a
pagan.
Yep, I swear... I will admit it.. and I rarely tell my
students not to when I hear them swear. As far as being a pagan, well,
self worship falls under that umbrella (see #1)
3.Honor the Lord’s Day. Everyday is the Lord’s. You have
to have a life of prayer and study and above all you must go to Mass on
Sunday.
I got to mass every week, but rarely do I keep every
day holy. I read the Bible, mostly only because I have to for my job.
I could pray a lot more, and I mean a lot more... but I don't, and I have
no excuses.
4. Honor you parents. Don’t just obey them.
Honor them. This means if you are a parent you must live an honorable
life.
I'm a great son, since I talk to my parents once a
week and grew up taking everything I had pretty much for granted. I
didn't even go to daily mass with my father over Christmas break because I knew
I would get called on to help every chance that appeared because I am the
golden child, never mind that it probably brings great joy to my father to see
my presence there. Again, selfish asshole here.
5.Don’t
commit murder. This includes abortion and all abortion causing drugs.
Guilt by association. I have not killed nor
taken drugs or had a reason to use a condom.. but what have I done to keep
other people I know from doing those things? Nothing.
6. Don’t commit adultery. This is the tough one for our
over-sexed society. This means one man, one woman, one faithful permanent
marriage that is open to God’s gift of life. No sleeping around. No
recreational sex. No “interesting” alternative life styles. Tough religion, no?
Never slept around, but probably only because I was
never faced with the temptation/chance to. I've done enough sexually to
know how beautiful it can be and how bad it can hurt when not done for the
reasons God created it for. Heck, I even joke about it since it such a part of
the culture... I laugh about it and make lite of it.
7. Don’t steal. This is tougher than you
think. It means a day’s work for a day’s pay and a day’s pay for a day’s work.
It prohibits slavery. Most of the clothes you have on are made by Chinese or
Indian slaves. If you are a politician it means you can’t tax the brains out of
your constituents making it impossible for them to maintain two-parent homes
where children are raised by their mother, if the mother so chooses.
I am stealing the money of lots of people I am sure.
I could poor my heart into my teaching, but I don't have the heart to
poor that much time into something my heart currently isn't in. Again,
selfish asshole who would rather spend his free time fixing up mountain bikes
then think of interesting ways to teach his students about God.
8.You shall not lie.
I am lying to myself right now thinking that writing
all of this will somehow change me. I'm just going to fall right into my
selfish routines tomorrow.
9. You shall not envy peoples’ relationships
I envy almost constantly. I want the
relationships that many of those close to me have... those with God, those with
friends, those with spouses. Yep, selfish asshole who is very much alone
with envy.
10. or possessions.
I want nothing more then to "have" my family
farm and cabin in the future, with all my mountain bikes and my truck and
motorcycle and canoe, with my laptop computer and deer heads in every
room, with a widescreen tv in the living room and... and... and...
And the tears well up in my eyes because I know God loves me more then I can image, yet I am so unworthy of His love because I am simply the laziest piece of shit on the earth at the moment and... my dreams don't matter... I don't deserve happiness because I have brought God very little at the times when He really needed me to.
Fucking kick me in the ass, punch me in the face... just do something God to get me out of this.
I am not who you need me to be.
Ever read my conversion story? Once divorced and separated from the second wife, yet I was (in the eyes of my friends) a great guy, blessed! How little they knew. I tried to do all the right things (or at least I wanted to), and yes, I broke every one of the 10 --- at least in my heart. And I did a lot worse things than you.
ReplyDeleteAnd like you, I thought I was trying, but not liking the results.
Despite my "trying to be good" and, perhaps, even "trying to find God," in retrospect my biggest mistake was was I did. What "I" did. "I" had plans; "I" measured my results; "I" told God I was trying (sometimes); "I" knew what it took to make me happy, and I was doing those things --- and I wasn't happy. Now God dragged me on a pilgrimage halfway around the world (dragged is the right word), but at least I was down enough that I was open to change --- AND, AND, AND, I admitted that I didn't know HOW TO change, despite all my knowledge, respect of others, and self-respect (ego). I didn't know how to make myself happy. So I asked God to tell me what to do, and I promised to listen for any whisper, and do whatever was put in front of me, even stuff I didn't want to do. I prayed the Prayer for Humility each day for six months, and there came a point where I really meant it. And there came a point where He started to talk to me more. And there came a point when I realized I had joy in my life.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be happy. There's nothing wrong with wanting it now. You are human; don't expect too much of your self. God doesn't. God loves you because you are, and He wants you to ever be, part of His family. EVERY family has people who screw up often, and some who seem to never screw up (but they know otherwise). But they are family, and we choose to love them for what they are, and in spite of the mistakes they make.
God does too.
You find you can't pray well in the adoration chapel, then read. I do. My Liturgy of the Hours, and good books. Right now I'm reading "The One Thing is Three" by Michael E. Gaitley. It's about the Trinity and communio. It's great; I'll review it soon on my blog. Buy it and read it (in the chapel). If money's tight, send me your address, I'll ship it to you.
Hang in there, my friend. We are to grow in holiness, and it's a lifelong project. And I'd be jealous if you ever got ahead of me.
I don't think I will ever get ahead of you my friend...
ReplyDeleteThank you for your words, and I am trying to be open and get rid of my own desires... but its really difficult...