First Song Video

I promise I don't look this depressed all the time. This is the first video I've done in a few years and the first one I've ever posted on my blog. Again, its a bit uncomfortable for me to video myself, especially while playing and singing, so don't judge too harshly. I'll hopefully post some better ones in the future.

You'll Never

You'll never...

• be happy if you stay on this path
• find true happiness 
• be able to not worry about things
• live up to God's expectations
• be good enough for her

I went to reconciliation today. As I drove to work this morning I made sure I remembered that I had to go this weekend, I couldn't be selfish again. 

Sitting face to face with Father we had a good conversation. I shared how it seems like everything I do hits a wall and at the end of it all I'm left wondering what happened. 

Father shared how I need to look back, not at the wall, the crash and burn, but rather at what happened right before that. What I need to do is look at what led up to the crash. 

Where the devil leads a us astray is when we start to believe the statements that have finality to them. The statements I listed at the beginning of this post are ones I started to believe at one point or another in my life. The first one is the one I've struggled with the most I'll admit. 

As Father explained it, the devil tries to get us to believe these statements. That's the only manipulative power the devil has. Through God and His grace, all things are possible though. The statements of finality have no place in God's plan for our lives. I've never thought about it like that before, but it makes sense. 

I know through God all things are possible, so as I continue each day striving to do His will, I can't let these statements of finality get me down.

Peace all

Don't Let One Good Desire Become Your Ultimate Desire

As a young adult Catholic my ultimate desire is God. Do I live my life in a way that reflects that always? No, I do not. 

I've had lots of good desires throughout my life. They were of course inspired by God so there has been nothing wrong is any of my good desires. Where I went wrong is when I put a singular good desire above others. Looking back I've probably done that many times. Many times those where also largely selfishly motivated. 

It's easier to go after something that you know is good, but it's harder to keep God at the forefront when that good desire is also a little bit selfish. 

If I knew how to not be selfish living the life that Jesus needs me to would be so much easier. But I do think about myself more than I know I should. Of course I think of others, but it's never enough and never will be enough until I'm in heaven. 

At the moment the best way I know to desire God's will over my own is going day by day. It's not easy, and my own thoughts and dreams still flood my mind all the time. Putting my good desires in perspective is a good realization for me though. Those good desires are truly good, but God's desires for me are better, actually the best, so I can't hold those good desires up as the ultimate. God needs to be my ultimate desire and I pray these other desires will lead me to Him.

Peace all

We're All Screw-Ups, But That's No Excuse

Thinking of myself first is one of my many faults. My selfishness shows its ugly face in a huge way every once in a while. Like this weekend when I had a chance to get to Reconciliation for the first time in a little while, but instead I raced off to a sale to buy a gun I wanted. The downside of working at a gun counter is that I now have a new and growing collection. But I didn't have to go right then. I had planned on getting to reconciliation right after I got off work. That day my selfishness came out and I didn't even think about reconciliation until later that night. I got mad at myself, said "sorry" to God and continued on my current spiritual slump. 

Today as I was driving a thought hit me about my relationship troubles that happened around the new year. I've been blaming myself for everything that happened. I don't know if that is being selfish or not, but it kinda feels like that. Not a bad selfishness maybe, but selfish nonetheless. I've put all the responsibility for how things ended on myself and what I did and said.  As I thought about it though, maybe it wasn't all my fault. 

I thought I was doing the right thing and maybe God was pulling me in a certain direction. When I explained my possible plans the reaction I got completely threw me off. As a result a relationship ended and I was left blaming myself for that ending. That's what's tough about relationships and something I've not put much thought into. For a relationship to work both people have to be following the will of God. If one person is following God's will but the other isn't, there is very little chance of the relationship working out. This doesn't ease the pain or make me really feel any better about what happened. It does give me a new perspective on relationships though. Falling into the actions of selfishness in thinking this was all my fault probably wasn't the best way for me to handle what happened, but I also didn't want to put any blame on a person who I didn't want to have any negative thoughts about. There are no negative thoughts, only a more fervent desire to pray for this special person and hope that she was right and I was wrong. 

No matter who was truly following God's will doesn't matter now; all is in the past. Each day is about living out God's will, which is how it should have always been. 

I've messed many things up, and will continue to. But others mess up to, and I need to remember that. We live in a world where every person has there struggles. That's not an excuse for my own failings. 

Peace all

Moving On Each Day

What's the old saying... moving on is hard to do?

Yea, it is. But move on we must. 

There is no magic formula, no path of least resistance or switch that can be flipped to help a person move on. Would it be great if you could just forget some things from your past? Heck yes it would, but life doesn't work that way. Those events in your past, those people you met, well, you experienced them for a reason and you encountered those people for a reason. 

Life has slapped me across the face so many times you'd think I would be able to see the stinging palm on its way to my sometimes clean shaven face. But nope, I continue to get my hopes up, lose sight of God a little bit and end up running back to Him for some kind of guidance or simply just some help. 

Each time this happens, all I can do is move on. I stop dwelling on the past so much as time goes by. I start looking for other things to occupy my thoughts. And if the general pattern remains, I end up, after a few months, back to asking what happened. 

I'm going to try and not do that this time. My goal is to move on, but in moving on I'll place everything in God's loving arms. What I'm beginning to understand is this is a daily thing. Each day is all I have. Whatever God presents to me is what I'll have that day. I can think about the future a bit, I hope, but I can't fret and I can't keep looking back thinking "what might have been?". 

This makes me think of a song I listened to a lot when I made a huge move in my life.

Here's to moving on!

Peace all

Dear Future Wife

This was written by Benedict Hince, another blogger, so I cannot take any credit for it. Everything he has written in this letter is spot on and are things that I am also trying to do on a daily basis. I am not a great writer at all so I'm glad others out there are able to put into words thoughts and feelings that are on my heart as well.

Dear Future Wife,

It’s funny to write this letter, and yet not know if you will ever read it…

Because where should I send it? I have no address for you. No phone number on which to contact you. Facebook and WhatsApp are of no use, and Skype and Instagram will not reveal your face to me… Uber cannot drive me to your door, and I know not where to book the train ticket to so that I may give it to you in person.

And yet, although we may not have met, I want you to know that I am here. That I have a phone number and a Facebook profile. I have a world – friends, family, hobbies, and interests – and I am looking towards the moment when our worlds shall meet, the moment when we get to open up our worlds to one another, and grow together in love.

I want you to know that I am waiting and that, already, I have chosen you. I have chosen you over all the false images of life and love that have been pumped into our culture. Because all these false images – the promiscuity, the egocentricity – none of them are able to inflame my heart a fraction of that which the thought of you does, the thought of one day being able to give my whole self to you in unconditional love.

But there’re some things I need you to know. I’m not perfect. I’m just a normal guy who is trying to choose to live out authentic love each day – along with many other normal guys who are doing the same – we are out there! And sometimes it’s really difficult. You need to know that I’m not going to save you, I know my weaknesses all too well, and I am no savior. But there is One who is our Savior. And I hope that you have met Him already. Even though I do not know you by name, He does. And I hope that wherever you are, you know that you are loved by Him infinitely more perfectly than I will ever manage.

I want you to know that I talk to God about you. As He loves you face to face now, I pray that I may also love you face to face. He is teaching me each day in small ways what it will take to love, and to lay down my life for you. In Him I see how to love authentically, and I choose to love you.

And so, I will continue to keep a watchful guard over my soul, that one day you will trust me and allow me to guard and protect yours too. By the grace of God I will lead you to heaven.

But that time is not yet. And I don’t want you to worry about how long it may be until we meet. I need you now to be running towards God, to run with Him. One day I will run with you, but please don’t wait to meet me before you start, for it will only be as we are both running towards God, with our gazes fixed upon Him, that our paths will cross. Know that I am running towards Him; however, know that it is often more of a 3000 meter hurdle race for me, than a 100 meter sprint, and that although I may come out of this a bit battered and bruised, in Him I will be made strong and ready for you.

Dear Future Wife, wherever you may be, know that love is a choice, and although I do not yet know who you are, and I do not know the things that make you smile or the things that make you laugh, or the things you find difficult or painful – know that I have chosen to love you. And that I will find you as we run side by side into the arms of Our Heavenly Father.

I hope that you are safe. I hope that you know that you are loved, and that you are immensely precious to my heart, and to the heart of God. May your Guardian Angel keep watch over you.

Please pray for me.

Your Future Husband

Peace all

Meat and Mortal Sin

I will never claim to be an expert on the Catholic faith. Do I know the faith better than most Catholics? Yes, but only because I studied it in college and received a degree in teaching it. I continue to learn about the faith almost daily and I'm thankful for that.
So many things the Catholic Church teaches are black and white. Things that are clearly a sin, teachings of the church that are not going to change, things like like. I understand all of this and it is largely because of this that I love my Catholic faith so much. The Catholic faith has an answer for everything, and they all make sense if you take the time to fully understand the Church's reasoning.
With that in mind, a friend called me the other day. She had a question about eating meat of Friday's during Lent. She, like many Catholics didn't really know why the Church has us abstain from meat on Fridays, so I did my best to relay my understanding.
I told her that we abstain from meat on Fridays first and foremost to remember Jesus Christ's sacrifice that he made for us. His flesh and bone was whipped, beaten, spit on and finally hung on a cross until his body gave its last breath. In our abstaining from meat on Fridays during Lent we are called to remember that ultimate sacrifice made for all humankind. It's a small thing to ask, but a great spiritual discipline and reminder of what is truly the most important part of our life, that God loves us so much that He would die for us.
This was my understanding. Thinking the Lenten fast was simply a spiritual discipline we as Catholics were called to participate in to the best of our ability. And I told her it wasn't a sin to eat meat on Friday.
As I researched the topic, I find that I'm mostly right, but I was also not fully aware of gravity of the Lenten fast the Church calls us to.
My new understanding is that it can actually be a mortal sin to eat meat on Friday as long as the three conditions for a mortal sin are met, i.e. grave matter, full knowledge and deliberate consent. So if a Catholic knowingly eats meat on a Friday during Lent that can be a mortal sin.
For most Catholics, I don't think this will ever be the case since most Catholics are no where close to having full knowledge of their faith.
My friend wondered because she has a big fancy dinner she has to go to. As a mom who rarely gets out she is excited for the event and really wants to make a night of it with her husband. Being from Montana she of course wants to have a nice steak for her meal, but the dinner is on a Friday during Lent. So I gave her my understanding and she felt better. I made sure to fully explain that the reason to abstain is to remember Christ and his sacrifice. She felt better about her decision.

I know now that I could have given her a better understanding of what the Church actually teaches. I'm sure she would still choose to eat the steak though, and that's between her and God now.
It comes down to believing in the God given authority of the Catholic Church. It is a rule that during Lent we are to abstain from eating meat, so this is more than just a spiritual discipline. Will most Catholics ever come to this understanding? Probably not, because many priests don't even fully understand this, or if they do they choose to water it down.
So I guess all I can do is chock this up as a learning experience and trust that God will understand my failure and not hold it against me or my friend.
I'm blessed that I can continue to learn about this amazing faith.

Peace all

Is It Even Possible?

I've been reading "Abandonment to Divine Providence" by Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade. The first line of Section VII- Trust in the Guidance of God goes like this..."The docile soul will not seek to learn by what road God is conducting it".
What?!
Later on I read "This soul, therefore, is urged on without perceiving the path traced out before it".
Great, so what do I do then? Do I literally need to just not plan anything and go day by day?
That honestly sounds great, but don't I need to do something? Should I not be looking at possible jobs or places where I can go and get a full time job in a profession I'm trained in and have experience in? Is God going to send me some divine intervention of a job I should apply for or instructions of what I need to do?
Spiritually I understand this. To follow God's will means to daily follow His will and take each day as it comes. I shouldn't look to the future with worry but with excitement. But I can look ahead with my own plans in mind. That is so hard to do for me right now. It feels like all I'm doing right now is looking ahead to what is next. That's why I've applied for jobs. Past that I haven't done anything though. If I'm offered one of those jobs do I take that as a sign that that is the way God wants me to go? Or by the simple fact that I've done something in order to plan my future have I screwed everything up?

I just so badly want to do God's will but I so badly want to know also, so I'm struggling right now. I don't know what to prepare for. If I should be looking for a job I need to be doing that between now and May. What do I need to do? Where is the balance of prayer and action?
The internal struggle goes on as I try to follow God's will each day.

Peace all

I Needed This

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone, to have a deep soul relationship with another. To be loved thoroughly and exclusively. But to a Christian, God says, "no, not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by Me alone. With giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me. With having an intensely personal and unique relationship with Me alone. Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found, will you be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united to another until you are united with Me. Exclusive of anyone or anything else. Exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, to stop wishing, and allow Me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow Me to bring it to you. You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction that I am. Keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. Just wait, that's all. Don't be anxious, don't worry, don't look around at things others have gotten or that I have given them. Don't look around at the things you think you want, just keep looking off and away up to Me, or you'll miss what I want to show you. And then, when you're ready, I'll surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you could dream of. You see, until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready, I am working even at this moment to have both of you ready at the same time. Until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I prepared for you, you won't be able to experience the love that exemplified your relationship with Me. And this is perfect love. And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely the everlasting union of beauty, perfection and love that I offer you with Myself. Know that I love you utterly. I Am God. Believe it and be satisfied."

Saint Anthony of Padua

When Family Time is Tough

My grandfather is on his way to full blown dementia. He's not too far gone yet, but watching the slow slide is not an easy thing for any of us.
Leaving the house is an ordeal for him and my grandmother. Being away from his house at all is tough. When he's at our house it's not long before he's ready to leave and head home. I know my grandmother needs to get out of the house, but it's such a struggle with him.
Tonight they came over for the Super Bowl. My grandpa used to be a big football fan, but he has no interest in much of anything anymore. He does like to talk sometimes, and that is always something that makes me nervous. He'll tell old stories, ones we've all heard before. I don't know why, but he likes to tell stories about his interactions with black people. This seems to go along with his tendency to be very crude lately. Saying racist or just mean things, always with a laugh from him, are getting more common. He also likes to make comments about my dad. Sometimes he says nice things, usually when he doesn't happen to be around my dad. But as soon as he is around my dad his comments become crude.
With the amount medications he's taking he also has, I guess you could say, bathroom problems. He has to wear an adult diaper and his smell is not a pleasant one. I know my grandmother does her best to keep him clean, but when they leave the house there isn't much she can do.
We've told her that when she needs help she needs to let us know. Hopefully she will, and hopefully my family will be able to step up and help however we can.
This is another aspect of my life that I have to give up to God in a lot of ways. My grandpa is healthy enough that he could live for a while longer. Sometimes I also get the hint that he's more aware of what is going on than we think he does. Also, watching some in my family treat him like a child is tough.
So many things to offer up to God, and all I know to do is act with compassion and love towards him and my grandma. Time with my grandpa is getting tough, but I know it's important, for all of us.

Lord, you take care of it, Your will be done.

Peace all

He Thirsts for Me

"It is true. I stand at the door of your heart, day and night. Even when you are not listening, even when you doubt it could be Me, I am there. I await even the smallest sign of your response, even the least whispered invitation that will allow Me to enter.

And I want you to know that whenever you invite Me, I do come – always, without fail. Silent and unseen I come, but with infinite power and love, and bringing the many gifts of My Spirit. I come with My mercy, with My desire to forgive and heal you, and with a love for you beyond your comprehension – a love every bit as great as the love I have received from the Father ("As much as the Father has loved me, I have loved you…" (Jn. 15:10) I come - longing to console you and give you strength, to lift you up and bind all your wounds. I bring you My light, to dispel your darkness and all your doubts. I come with My power, that I might carry you and all your burdens; with My grace, to touch your heart and transform your life; and My peace I give to still your soul.

I know you through and through. I know everything about you. The very hairs of your head I have numbered. Nothing in your life is unimportant to Me. I have followed you through the years, and I have always loved you – even in your wanderings. I know every one of your problems. I know your needs and your worries. And yes, I know all your sins. But I tell you again that I love you – not for what you have or haven’t done – I love you for you, for the beauty and dignity My Father gave you by creating you in His own image. It is a dignity you have often forgotten, a beauty you have tarnished by sin. But I love you as you are, and I have shed My Blood to win you back. If you only ask Me with faith, My grace will touch all that needs changing in your life, and I will give you the strength to free yourself from sin and all its destructive power.

I know what is in your heart – I know your loneliness and all your hurts – the rejections, the judgments, the humiliations, I carried it all before you. And I carried it all for you, so you might share My strength and victory. I know especially your need for love – how you are thirsting to be loved and cherished. But how often have you thirsted in vain, by seeking that love selfishly, striving to fill the emptiness inside you with passing pleasures – with the even greater emptiness of sin. Do you thirst for love? "Come to Me all you who thirst…" (Jn. 7: 37). I will satisfy you and fill you. Do you thirst to be cherished? I cherish you more than you can imagine – to the point of dying on a cross for you.

I Thirst for You. Yes, that is the only way to even begin to describe My love for you. I THIRST FOR YOU. I thirst to love you and to be loved by you – that is how precious you are to Me. I THIRST FOR YOU. Come to Me, and I will fill your heart and heal your wounds. I will make you a new creation, and give you peace, even in all your trials I THIRST FOR YOU. You must never doubt My mercy, My acceptance of you, My desire to forgive, My longing to bless you and live My life in you. I THIRST FOR YOU. If you feel unimportant in the eyes of the world, that matters not at all. For Me, there is no one any more important in the entire world than you. I THIRST FOR YOU. Open to Me, come to Me, thirst for Me, give me your life – and I will prove to you how important you are to My Heart.

Don’t you realize that My Father already has a perfect plan to transform your life, beginning from this moment? Trust in Me. Ask Me every day to enter and take charge of your life. – and I will. I promise you before My Father in heaven that I will work miracles in your life. Why would I do this? Because I THIRST FOR YOU. All I ask of you is that you entrust yourself to Me completely. I will do all the rest.

Even now I behold the place My Father has prepared for you in My Kingdom. Remember that you are a pilgrim in this life, on a journey home. Sin can never satisfy you, or bring the peace you seek. All that you have sought outside of Me has only left you more empty, so do not cling to the things of this life. Above all, do not run from Me when you fall. Come to Me without delay. When you give Me your sins, you gave Me the joy of being your Savior. There is nothing I cannot forgive and heal; so come now, and unburden your soul.

No matter how far you may wander, no matter how often you forget Me, no matter how many crosses you may bear in this life; there is one thing I want you to always remember, one thing that will never change. I THIRST FOR YOU – just as you are. You don’t need to change to believe in My love, for it will be your belief in My love that will change you. You forget Me, and yet I am seeking you every moment of the day – standing at the door of your heart and knocking. Do you find this hard to believe? Then look at the cross, look at My Heart that was pierced for you. Have you not understood My cross? Then listen again to the words I spoke there – for they tell you clearly why I endured all this for you: "I THIRST…"(Jn 19: 28). Yes, I thirst for you – as the rest of the psalm – verse I was praying says of Me: "I looked for love, and I found none…" (Ps. 69: 20). All your life I have been looking for your love – I have never stopped seeking to love you and be loved by you. You have tried many other things in your search for happiness; why not try opening your heart to Me, right now, more than you ever have before.

Whenever you do open the door of your heart, whenever you come close enough, you will hear Me say to you again and again, not in mere human words but in spirit. "No matter what you have done, I love you for your own sake Come to Me with your misery and your sins, with your troubles and needs, and with all your longing to be loved. I stand at the door of your heart and knock. Open to Me, for I THIRST FOR YOU…"

"Jesus is God, therefore His love, His Thirst, is infinite. He the creator of the universe,
asked for the love of His creatures.
He thirst for our love… These words:
‘I Thirst’ – Do they echo in our souls?” Mother Teresa

I found this on the Laudate app.

Peace all

Changed and Sent

Over the last 40 days I've changed a lot. My life hasn't changed much, especially to someone from the outside looking in, but to me it has.
For almost 4 months I was woken up by a text. Now, it's just my cell phone alarm.
For almost 4 months I didn't feel so alone, and my heart raced when I got a text message. Now, my heart still races when my phone goes off, but then reality sets in.
That's the bad of it all.
I've changed for the good though, through the grace of God.
My prayer life is better, I'm going to mass more, and overall I'm just thinking about God more and more. Just a few months ago I didn't really have a whole lot of direction in my life. I was just a guy living at home and going to school. Now, I'm trying my hardest to place all my trust in God to allow Him to start leading me.
All of that is a good thing. The pain of losing a friend, someone I grew to care about deeply, really sucks, but the good outweighs the bad, if I can even call it bad. Pain changes a person, but with God's help, that change will be for the better.
In todays Gospel, Jesus sends out the Twelve, two by two. He gives them instructions on what to take and what not to take, and that's about it. He tells them to "stay in a house until you leave from there", which to my ears isn't really an instruction at all. The point of it all, as Father brought up at mass this morning is that Jesus doesn't tell them what to do. The Twelve are simply sent already with the knowledge of what they need to do and that is to follow the will of God. They do God's work without direct instruction.
Father put it this way. When we enter a church, especially our home parish, we know what to do. We know where to sit, we know when to stand, when to sing and when to say our prayers. We need to do that with all of the world, in every moment of our lives. That is what the Twelve did. They went out into the world with great joy and did great works for God. We can all do the same if we go out into the world trusting in God, with a joyful attitude, knowing He will guide us.
That's what I'm trying to do, and I will do. I'm waiting to be sent though.

Send me Lord where you need me to go. I'll trust in you and go where you need me, joyfully knowing you are in control.