Soaked

I underestimated how much I would sweat as I rode my bike to mass.  Unfortunately, as a young high school teacher, I have to look cool and at the moment it wasn't happening.  Nobody mentioned anything, except for my un-ironed shirt, but that didn't surprise me.
Mass was fine.  Wedged between a parent and another family felt like any other mass to me.  Seeing current and former students taking part in the mass was great.  Too bad Catholic School's Week is only once a year.
I spoke to a few students as I made my way out to unlike my bike.  Everything was there thank goodness.  I hold onto the hope many times that people wouldn't steel something from a church parking lot... so far, so good.
The night was beautiful.  Clean, moist air with a few clouds in the sky.  What more could a guy want for his evening?
All day I had been contemplating joining the group that prays at the Planned Parenthood.  Having never participated in the activities, I wasn't sure on the time.  I rode that way anyway, knowing if I was wrong it was an easy ride home, but if I was right, there would be no more doubt in my head to keep me away.
I rode up to three surprised looking prayers already halfway into the rosary.  I was handed a flashlight and proceeded to join in.
Halfway through the fourth decade I felt something hit me.  It was warm... then another, and another.  In Yuma, Arizona, on a mostly clear night it had decided to rain and then pour.  The leader asked the older lady if she was alright, and she said yes.
We finished the rosary, and to my surprise I was told they also pray a Chaplet of Divine Mercy if I wanted to stay.  Already soaked to the bone there was no point in me leaving.
A little ways through, the older woman came back with two umbrellas.  It was nice to be out of the rain if only for a little bit.
Cars whizzing by, rain dripping from every poky end of the umbrella, lightning flashing in the distance with thunder echoing all around and all I could do was stand there and pray.  My immediate thought was that God was crying.  The night that was so beautiful had become something different.  Like the warm feeling of young child in their mothers womb, unfortunately in this country, and in many others, that scene can end quickly and tragically.  Why shouldn't God be crying.
And apparently, it had never rained on them before.

I have no regrets and the soaked clothes and dirty bike that I had just cleaned earlier today, well, that's alright.

Peace all

The Gift that is Faith

On Friday I was able to give my reflection on the daily readings to the student body at my school.  I try to make the most of the opportunity when it is presented to me.  On Wednesday, I spoke about abortions and the horrors of ending a human life.  I got feedback from quite a few students that at the very least, I had everyone's attention.  Friday the readings were a little tougher, but the conversion of St. Paul lent me some wonderful thoughts.  I think my reflection went well, but of course, looking back, I could have done better.
Sitting in adoration I thought about other things I could have said, put more emphasis on or just made more clear.  The idea that kept coming to mind was the idea that faith is a gift that we need to open.
Faith is like a gift that God places on our laps.
Some of choose to not open it.  These people choose to keep their hands and minds busy with other worldly things so they may not even notice the gift that is right in front of them.
Some use only one hand to open the gift, while there other had is busy do something, anything else then open the gift that is right in front of them.  They fain the idea's of what faith is by being that annoying person who does things so slowly everyone is tired of waiting for them so others move on and leave them with their indecision and stalling.
Some open the gift right away, but accept it only for the jolt of excitement they get as they start to open it.  As others around them show off other things, they start to close the gift, re-wrapping it almost, or push it off their laps completely.
Some go at the gift with both hands, really wanting to open the gift.  They eagerly pull back the wrapping until they start to see the gift, then they slow down.  They start to think of other things, old ways, new possibilities, so they may stop opening the gift all together due to their distractions but it stays there on their lap.
Some open the gift and instead of just accepting the gift, they look for the directions.  They resemble the dad who is forced to put the new toy together, and their frustration with the gift is evident to all.
Some find that as much as they open the gift, they find no end to the paper and tape and boxes.  It's like a Russian doll to them, and they keep opening hoping to find the end, the answers to everything, until they exhaust themselves and in frustration give up.

Some, immediately or after some time staring at the box, rip into like the kid with the biggest present on Christmas morning.  They see what a gift it is just to have it as a possibility in front of them and make their joy known to others in opening the gift.
It took me a while, but I hope I am the person who has dove into the gift that is faith.

Peace all

Mean Choice

I know I don't have many readers, but I still felt I should participate in this.  I also took the entire class period with all my classes today to talk about the horrors of abortion.
Here is my two cents...
The basic shpeel (?) to my students today was how horrible abortion is and how it is unnecessary.  I showed the classic videos, talked about what the law says and allows, how it isn't just a faith issue and even about what a partial-birth abortion is.
Out of all of that, I tried to some up my message with what I see as the root cause of the huge number of abortions that go on, at least in the US, but also across the world.
The outrageous (well, any killing of an innocent child is outrageous) number of abortions I believe is a direct cause of the way our current culture views sex.  Sex nowadays is nothing more then a recreational activity that can be done as easily as watching a movie going out for coffee.  Our culture has degraded sex so much that when the actual realities of sex come to fruition, the immediate response is to get rid of the natural outcome of those actions.  I tried to put it as plain as I could to my students the fact that rampant pre-marital sex is the big cause for this human rights horror story that is abortion in the United States.  Whether that sunk in or not, I don't know, but I am confident that all my students see how awful at least the abortion procedure is.
I am going to try again in the morning, this time with the entire school.  We touched on the subject today at our all school mass, but I want to drive some points home for all to hear in my reflection tomorrow morning.  I only pray the Holy Spirit will work through me to get said what needs to be said to the whole school, students and staff.

Peace all  

Go To God

Realizing that I do not have any answers and only questions... I have figured out one good thing over this weekend.  I need to keep getting closer to God.  My relationships with others have all stalled, or simply cannot go anywhere at the moment.  What does that leave other then to focus more on God and less on other relationships.

"Only through believing, then, does faith grow and become stronger; there is no other possibility for possessing certitude with regard to one's life apart from self-abandonment, in a continuous crescendo, into the hands of a love that seems to grow constantly because it has its origin in God," Pope benedict wrote in his introduction to the Year of Faith.

I will take the Holy Fathers words and do my best to live them out. My life has been a building crescendo bringing me closer to God... over these next few months I really want that crescendo to soar to the rafters.


Peace all

For You God

Peace all

Hopeless Wanderer and James

It's no secret I am struggling.  That's what life is about though right...?  I just choose to "pen" my frustrations so that others can see how messed up I am in the head.

A few things as of recently that have gone through my head...

-I don't think I am doing enough work to show/prove that I have faith.  Ya, I get it, Jesus saved me so I don't have to worry... but what have I been doing lately to show him that I believe that?

"Amen, I say to you, whatever you did for one of these least brothers of mine, you did for me." ~Mt 25:40

"...faith without works is dead."  ~ James 2:26 

 Hence, my last, pissed off post.

-I am finding very little comfort in quiet prayer.  The silence is just that, silence.  I enjoy the silence, but looking back on my life, it always has been silence... I don't know what it is like for God to speak to me through silence.  So, asked if I wanted to go to Adoration tonight, I declined with some stupid excuse.

-On another prayer note, having recently consecrated myself to Jesus through Mary, I am supposed to offer all my prayers to Mary who will then send those prayers to whomever is in most need.  In turn, when I hear people asking for prayers, my first thought is... well, if you deserve my prayers you will get them. I find myself not praying for anything specific... I just say I give all my prayers and good deeds of the day to Mary so she can do with them what she may for the betterment of the God's Kingdom...  has really shortened my praying... not sure if that's a good thing or not.

-Oh, and I am getting sick and tired of hearing the question of whether I will become a priest or not... again, since I have never really felt God talking to me, I have never felt "the call".  And why is it automatically assumed that since I am, at least outwardly, a good young Catholic guy, that I must be thinking about the priesthood?  If all good Catholic guys became priests where would all the good Catholic fathers come from?

and now, the song of the evening, that summed up a bit of what I am feeling

Peace all

My Dreams Don't Matter

Like all people I imagine, I have dreams.  Some seem to be always changing.  One will grow very strong, like recently, and then most likely die.  Others, like my dream to return home, will most likely come true, since God gave me, and all people free will.  It's the dreams that depend on other people's free will that give me the grief.  In the end though, I don't deserve others... I don't deserve to have my dreams fulfilled.

Why?

Here's why... (a thank you to Reverend-Know-it-all for the list)

1.Love God above all things and worship only Him. This means you don’t worship yourself. 

I might be one of the most selfish people God ever created.  My whole life I have 99% of the time been looking out for myself first.  Shouldn't the fact that I pour my thoughts into this stupid blog make that fairly apparent since I want others to see my struggles and try to understand me.  Warning... you are reading the blog of a selfish asshole.

2.Don’t take His name in vain. This isn't just about swearing. It means don’t call yourself a Christian and act like a pagan. 

Yep, I swear... I will admit it.. and I rarely tell my students not to when I hear them swear.  As far as being a pagan, well, self worship falls under that umbrella (see #1)

3.Honor the Lord’s Day. Everyday is the Lord’s. You have to have a life of prayer and study and above all you must go to Mass on Sunday. 

I got to mass every week, but rarely do I keep every day holy.  I read the Bible, mostly only because I have to for my job.  I could pray a lot more, and I mean a lot more... but I don't, and I have no excuses.  

4. Honor you parents. Don’t just obey them. Honor them. This means if you are a parent you must live an honorable life. 

I'm a great son, since I talk to my parents once a week and grew up taking everything I had pretty much for granted.  I didn't even go to daily mass with my father over Christmas break because I knew I would get called on to help every chance that appeared because I am the golden child, never mind that it probably brings great joy to my father to see my presence there.  Again, selfish asshole here.

5.Don’t commit murder. This includes abortion and all abortion causing drugs. 

Guilt by association.  I have not killed nor taken drugs or had a reason to use a condom.. but what have I done to keep other people I know from doing those things?  Nothing.

6. Don’t commit adultery. This is the tough one for our over-sexed society. This means one man, one woman, one faithful permanent marriage that is open to God’s gift of life. No sleeping around. No recreational sex. No “interesting” alternative life styles. Tough religion, no?

Never slept around, but probably only because I was never faced with the temptation/chance to.  I've done enough sexually to know how beautiful it can be and how bad it can hurt when not done for the reasons God created it for. Heck, I even joke about it since it such a part of the culture... I laugh about it and make lite of it. 

7. Don’t steal. This is tougher than you think. It means a day’s work for a day’s pay and a day’s pay for a day’s work. It prohibits slavery. Most of the clothes you have on are made by Chinese or Indian slaves. If you are a politician it means you can’t tax the brains out of your constituents making it impossible for them to maintain two-parent homes where children are raised by their mother, if the mother so chooses.

I am stealing the money of lots of people I am sure.  I could poor my heart into my teaching, but I don't have the heart to poor that much time into something my heart currently isn't in.  Again, selfish asshole who would rather spend his free time fixing up mountain bikes then think of interesting ways to teach his students about God.

8.You shall not lie.

I am lying to myself right now thinking that writing all of this will somehow change me. I'm just going to fall right into my selfish routines tomorrow.

9. You shall not envy peoples’ relationships 

I envy almost constantly.  I want the relationships that many of those close to me have... those with God, those with friends, those with spouses.  Yep, selfish asshole who is very much alone  with envy.

10. or possessions. 

I want nothing more then to "have" my family farm and cabin in the future, with all my mountain bikes and my truck and motorcycle and canoe, with my laptop computer and deer heads in every room, with a widescreen tv in the living room and... and... and...

And the tears well up in my eyes because I know God loves me more then I can image, yet I am so unworthy of His love because I am simply the laziest piece of shit on the earth at the moment and... my dreams don't matter... I don't deserve happiness because I have brought God very little at the times when He really needed me to. 

Fucking kick me in the ass, punch me in the face... just do something God to get me out of this.

I am not who you need me to be.  

Anticipation

It came like a dream

a thought

a longing.

A desire that has been building,

only recently

intensifying.

It makes sense

but then it haunts

like something that should not be.

A path that would

not be easy.

Just the feelings

that came with

just the simple thought of its fulfillment

oh 

how indescribable they were.

Like what heaven

might be like.

I want that feeling again.

It comes to mind

every now and then.

It should not be there,

not yet.

Still,

there it was

and continues to be.

Right now

it is just

a dream.

A dream that

might

come true.

I have dreamed before, 

still,

this dream seems so far fetched,

maybe, 

just maybe,

God has been weaving

of all my dreams,

this dream.

Or 

in the end, 

something still good

but not the full dream.

The simple thought, 

brought me to

the closest 

feeling of heaven

I have yet to experience.

Until the gazes cease,

the dream will remain, 

and anticipation

for the answer

will linger.

Holy Family

"Blessed are those who love you.  Happy those who follow you. Blessed are those who seek you oh Lord"

For the Feast of the Holy Family, this is the responsorial psalm that my parish used.  It struck me, so of course I had to put it on here.
I forget what profound things were going through my head a few days ago when I started this post, but I know one thing for sure... my family is not perfect but I can't wait to be home with them again.

Peace all