Going over the usual, my constant fights with temptation and the envy I still hold toward others, I brought up another problem I have, which is gossip.
Being around high school kids, pretty much all the time, I fall into gossip easily. This has never really served me well, and really only causes me despair to hear how rampant sin is among high school youth (even though I know it is, it feels better not to hear about it I guess).
So, the big revelation is this... I see the not so good things in my students, and also coworkers, which I reflect back onto and see in myself, which causes me despair which, hence, causes the desire to gossip and make myself feel better in a twisted sort of way.
So what does all this mean...?
Drum roll please...
(the skinnier part is something I am also working on... but I digress)
Have I ever actually loved who I am and how God made me? When I actually think about it... no, not really. I have always been able to find faults within myself, because, I have always had some integrity (which is a word I had forgot about until Father brought it up also). I have never been able to live up to my own standards which has prevented me from truly loving myself.What does all this mean? I cannot really tell at the moment.
I need to start loving the person God made me to be, start living my life with the integrity that I have always held myself to and see the good in others and not the bad.
I guess, put simply... I need to love... in all aspects and facets of what love means.
Pax all
I've found no excessive love of myself, I would say that I'm prone to put myself first, my wants, my worries, my thoughts --- they tend to focus on me, and in that I fit right in with our ME-first culture. No, if I think about love of me, I think of His love of me first, and I always find it amazing --- I mean, I know me.
ReplyDeleteWhile I desire to take my focus from my concerns about me, my efforts are to accept His love, take contentment from its unconditionality (is that a word??), and pass it on. I am, as I pray, an instrument of His peace. As He gives it to me, I am to pass it on. So conversations should not be me talking about me, but listening and encouraging others. And prayers should not be what I want, but that I not impeded His will, what He wants.
There is a contentment in being a good servant. I want that peace. I'll pray you find it also.