That one word says it all... well, not all of it, but a lot of it.
I have a lot of it, envy, I mean. I am not proud of it, or want to gloat about it or use it as an excuse.
I'm glad however that I can at least name my problem and try to fix it.
So why is envy suddenly on my mind you might ask?... Well, it has been there for a long time, I can just recently put a name to it and the emotions I have been feeling.
Who is my envy geared toward you might also ask?... Well, that would be the young ladies of my past relationships of course!
You ready for it? Well here it comes...
I am envious of her... for finding the love her life in the city that I moved to to be closer to her. That she is over everything about our relationship and has fully moved on, again, with the love of her life. That everything just falls into place for her. That she has never really had that tough of a moment in her life, in my opinion (I will be the first to admit that opinions are like ass holes, we all have them and they all, well, you know the rest). That she found the love of her life and 8 months later were engaged! (3 1/2 years with me was chop-live I guess). That she could so quickly chock up all our experiences to "learning experiences" so quickly...
And then... I am also envious of her (another her)... that she got to leave and move closer to home. That she has a much closer relationship to God then I think I might ever have. That she could end things because of God and actually use God as a good reason. That she put little enough into the relationship that she could just be friends after it was over.
I have a lot of envy... BUT!!!!!!
I have more hope. Hope that I can see that I am truly blessed in so many ways, and in turn be happy for these two wonderful women and all that God has blessed them with.
I will not let envy defeat me... by the grace of God it will not.
Pax!
There is a longing we all have that cannot be fulfilled. Union with God is the only true source of joy, yet, the pull of worldly things persists. The struggle goes on, but God is with me all the way. Here are my thoughts, findings and ramblings as I try to be my perfect self, for the glory of God.
Who Am I?
- D-Wherl
- I'm just a guy trying to trust in God and be the best I can be for God and others, then myself.
It is a good thing to recognize that we have envy; bottom line, it's that we want things better for ourselves. And, bottom line, it's that we place ourselves too highly, as deserving what others have. Humility is hard to come by --- especially when we know we are so great, or more likely, that others often tell us how great we are, and we start to believe it.
ReplyDeleteI found the Prayer for Humility a terrible prayer to say, but sticking to it, it did cut me down to size, and lessened my envy of others, because I didn't think I deserved so much anymore. The lessening of the focus on myself enabled me to be more easily focused on others ---- and I found myself, to my surprise, sometimes acting as I think He would want me to. And I didn't even have to try.