One of those GOOD Confessions

I had one of those good confessions so many people talk about but I had never really experienced before yesterday.  I swear the priest could also be a psychologist the way he picked my problems apart and then had me think about and analyze them so I could really get at the root of my issues.
Going over the usual, my constant fights with temptation and the envy I still hold toward others, I brought up another problem I have, which is gossip.
Being around high school kids, pretty much all the time, I fall into gossip easily.  This has never really served me well, and really only causes me despair to hear how rampant sin is among high school youth (even though I know it is, it feels better not to hear about it I guess).
So, the big revelation is this... I see the not so good things in my students, and also coworkers, which I reflect back onto and see in myself, which causes me despair which, hence, causes the desire to gossip and make myself feel better in a twisted sort of way.
So what does all this mean...?
Drum roll please...

(the skinnier part is something I am also working on... but I digress)

Have I ever actually loved who I am and how God made me?  When I actually think about it... no, not really.  I have always been able to find faults within myself, because, I have always had some integrity (which is a word I had forgot about until Father brought it up also).  I have never been able to live up to my own standards which has prevented me from truly loving myself.
What does all this mean?  I cannot really tell at the moment.
I need to start loving the person God made me to be, start living my life with the integrity that I have always held myself to and see the good in others and not the bad.

I guess, put simply... I need to love... in all aspects and facets of what love means.

Pax all

Temptation

I had a tough start to my day on Thursday.  Falling into temptation is never a good thing but I made it worse by allowing it to affect the rest of my day.  I seemed down all day, which I was, and my students could tell unfortunately.  If there were some way I could always be happy and joyful around them I would do it in a heartbeat... but I haven't found that ability yet.  Having my boss come into my room after school and then hearing that I am being watched did not help matters either, as far as my day went.
Arriving back at my place with little to do, I watched a movie that, as the title would suggest, was going to be about knights and witches.

It turned out to be about knights and demons.  I believe I needed to watch this movie, because it reminded me of the how, why and by whom I was tempted that morning.
The devil and his demons are tricky and cunning... and I fell right into their trap.  I had chances to pry open their hold, but I didn't. I let it squeeze tighter and tighter until I just gave in.
Don't worry though, this isn't a completely sad story, for at the end of the day the light shined on me, if only for a little bit.
I have been trying to read my Bible every night.  After the movie, sleep was not coming easily so I opened up the letter to the Hebrews and started reading.  I can honestly say my eyes were drifting shut as I was making it through the second chapter.  As I finished something flashed in my head as I realized what I had just read.

"For because he himself has suffered and been tempted, he is able to help those who are tempted." - Hebrews 2:18

This passage gave me great hope.
I can only overcome my temptation with the help Jesus Christ... and I really need his help, as we all do.

Pax

People Appeaser

On my 3 hour drive which started at 5 a.m. to a cross country meet... well, lets just say I had a great deal of time to think.
Out of all the thoughts I had, the one that I knew I needed to remember and put down into cyber space was quite an epiphany.
I am a people appeaser... have been my whole life as I have reflected.
What do I mean by this?  Its quite simple actually.  It seems that one of the major driving forces behind the majority of my actions has always been geared toward not making people upset.  I hate making anyone upset or angry or to even see people in those states.  So much has my basic fear of seeing people upset or angry that in the 5th grade I would make myself sick so I did not have to switch to the advanced English teacher for fear of the teacher yelling and getting upset with my classmates.  I have a hard time watching, predominately on TV or in movies, people who I know are leading themselves or others into something that will greatly upset them.
This is not entirely a bad thing, not wanting to make people upset.  My problem as I see it though is that this fear has kept me many times from possibly bringing joy to people.  Times when a simple "hello" or "hi" could brighten someones day, I keep quite for fear of making them feel awkward or that somehow my simple greeting will disturb them.  Times when I could have been more cordial and made conversation with people, again, I keep quiet for the same reasons.
There are also times when fear of upsetting people has kept me from confronting them about a wrong they were presently committing or had committed.  Again, my fear of upsetting gets in the way of doing something right and true, that should be done.
I do this everyday, and as a teacher these situations come up quite often and for the life of me I fail way too often.  Fear that people will be upset, and the most horrible of all, that they would be upset with me, is one of my biggest hindrances to being the follower of Christ I need to be.
Again, I guess I need to keep praying for humility... it's not about me... it's about goodness, truth and beauty... it's about God.

Pax all.

Evidence

This was hard to watch...

I have a lot of work to do.

Pax

Bad Mood?

I really have not been in a bad mood lately... but apparently... and I have lots of students who tell me this everyday as of recently... I seem like I am in a bad mood.
It can be enormously frustrating when I am really not in a bad mood but continue to get asked if I am, or I get the ever dreaded "whats wrong?" question that so many are too quick to ask because they think they deserve to know.

That, my friends and students, will get me in a bad mood.
One of the downfalls of working with youth is they still have a lot to learn.  I can see when many of them are in bad moods or something seems to be troubling them.  Asking them out-right is something I rarely do, unless I can tell they have something they have to spew to anyone who has ears to listen.
I myself, being in introvert, am slow to divulge anything, especially to high school kids, and especially to nosy ones.
Am I changing?  Constantly.
Am I different from the teacher and person I was 2 years ago? Oh yes.
Am I struggling with things in my life? Of course... that is a part of life for a single twenty-something year old.
Is it really annoying to have a bunch of students that think they know me and want to know all about me? Yes.
Am I questioning my career choice?  Even more so this year it seems.
Am I still trusting in God?  I hope so.

Pax

First Step

As you grow up and wander through the meanings of life, you begin a journey that requires endurance and patience. You begin to understand and confuse everything that you have been through, what you could have went through , and what you will go through. This is the stage before the journey of understanding. To undrestand your purpose in life, a journey must be taken. People hesitate and fear this journey and many never go through it. They live a life of ignorance. They never understand true happiness and confuse it with things that kill them inside and out. To go through this journey brings happiness and pain. It confuses and clarifies. But the end is worth the journey. People fear this journey so they never take the first step, becuase once the journey is started you cannot turn back. This journey will either bring eternal life, or eternal death. This journey is the journey of faith in God, and everybody in the world knows, the first step is always the hardest.

This was written by one of my students... there is hope for us yet.

Pax!

Humility

I prayed this litany in all my classes today.  Very few of my students understood its complexity and down right toughness I am sure... but maybe a few did... I pray.

Litany of Humility

O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus.

From the desire of being loved...
From the desire of being extolled ...
From the desire of being honored ...
From the desire of being praised ...
From the desire of being preferred to others...
From the desire of being consulted ...
From the desire of being approved ...
From the fear of being humiliated ...
From the fear of being despised...
From the fear of suffering rebukes ...
From the fear of being calumniated ...
From the fear of being forgotten ...
From the fear of being ridiculed ...
From the fear of being wronged ...
From the fear of being suspected ...
That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.

That others may be esteemed more than I ...
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease ...
That others may be chosen and I set aside ...
That others may be praised and I unnoticed ...
That others may be preferred to me in everything...
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should…

Rafael Cardinal Merry del Val (1865-1930), Secretary of State for Pope Saint Pius X

Working on my humility, one day at a time.

Pax!

NFL and the First Commandment

Something I wanted to post on Facebook but decided against.

Americans just love breaking the first commandment "you shall not have other gods besides me." Exodus 20 if you want to read all of them.  I lost count of how many people posted on Facebook how glorious of a day today is because NFL football is starting.  Packer fans, Bears fans, Vikings fans, 49er fans... its ridiculous.  Today is a glorious day because God made it, not because you can watch grown men who get paid an exorbitant amount of money to collide and run away from each other in the gladiator-like spectacle we call the NFL.  How much better would the United States of America be if people put half of the money they spent on football into services that help other people?  The money put into football only helps those that don't need any help except to buy their lavish homes and give millions of young boys the false hope of becoming famous someday for simply throwing a football well.  Also, lets not fail to mention the people whose entire weeks rest on the outcomes of their teams games.  Instead of finding joy in every breath as we always should, if their team loses, the next week could be mishmash of angry outbursts and altogether unpleasantness for those who have to come in contact with them only because they put all their hopes on the outcome of a football game!

I'm glad my roommate and I have decided against having cable this year so I do not have to fall into the distraction and pomp of the NFL and Americas god.
*If you are just a fan that enjoys watching some of the greatest athletes compete at the highest level, that's great, I am not attacking you.  All I am saying is keep the focus on Christ; He is the only one worthy of the worship far to many give to too many other things.

Pax

Envy

That one word says it all... well, not all of it, but a lot of it.
I have a lot of it, envy, I mean.  I am not proud of it, or want to gloat about it or use it as an excuse.
I'm glad however that I can at least name my problem and try to fix it.
So why is envy suddenly on my mind you might ask?... Well, it has been there for a long time, I can just recently put a name to it and the emotions I have been feeling.
Who is my envy geared toward you might also ask?... Well, that would be the young ladies of my past relationships of course!
You ready for it?  Well here it comes...
I am envious of her... for finding the love her life in the city that I moved to to be closer to her.  That she is over everything about our relationship and has fully moved on, again, with the love of her life. That everything just falls into place for her.  That she has never really had that tough of a moment in her life, in my opinion (I will be the first to admit that opinions are like ass holes, we all have them and they all, well, you know the rest).  That she found the love of her life and 8 months later were engaged!  (3 1/2 years with me was chop-live I guess).  That she could so quickly chock up all our experiences to "learning experiences" so quickly...
And then... I am also envious of her (another her)... that she got to leave and move closer to home. That she has a much closer relationship to God then I think I might ever have.  That she could end things because of God and actually use God as a good reason.  That she put little enough into the relationship that she could just be friends after it was over.
I have a lot of envy... BUT!!!!!!
I have more hope.  Hope that I can see that I am truly blessed in so many ways, and in turn be happy for these two wonderful women and all that God has blessed them with.
I will not let envy defeat me... by the grace of God it will not.

Pax!