I'm pissed at God. Not for any really good reasons. Mostly because what I have been believing will be the best for me and for others over and over again is wrong. I thought I needed to go home, to be with my family, to finally maybe get the rest of my life started. I thought I found someone that God was leading me to. I thought I would go home and start making an impact on the people and the place I love and grew up with. I thought it would all work out great.
I thought... I thought... I thought.... I thought wrong apparently.
Now that my thoughts have failed me, I'm stressing out.
Things were going to be so much easier with moving home and having everything there that I needed. Now I am stuck in the desert for another year and have to find a new place to live and figure out who I am going to live with, if anybody. I will have to teach a new curriculum, which means... more work! And I also have to stay in a place where I understand that I am very much needed and wanted, but at the same time feel the most alone and isolated.
Now I am haunted; with what could have been and what is now. Finding out your ex who you dated for 3 1/2 years is now engaged after dating a guy for 8 months makes me feel like shit. I am happy for her, but part of me still wants the relationship to crash and burn like the Hindenburg. "A learning experience", "its a part of growing up"... I have heard it all, thought about all of it. Well, I guess my learning experience is continuing while everyone else gets to live the American f**king Dream. And oh, ya, we live in the same town that I was hoping to escape... can't wait for that first awkward meeting.
Oh well, I am where God needs me I guess and with all this I have to put on the happiest face I can muster each and every day because I really can't complain that much. I might be the only bright moment for some of my students, as sad as that is, so I have to put that smile on my face and bring the joy each and every day.
We all bare our own crosses.
God grant me the strength to continue working for Your glory, and not mine.
Peace
Aah, I liked this post about your failures, and your unhappiness with them. I hate to tell you this, but you will have many more failures and much more unhappiness in your life. I know.
ReplyDeleteOne of the things I see throughout your posts is a desire to know and do God's will, but a frustration at what is happening to you or what you can't control. You need to read Job again; shit happens, but what is important is what happens to us --- the real us, in our hearts. Wanting to do God's will also means accepting it, even if it is not your will, even if you don't understand it, even if it seems like shit.
With age comes wisdom; that is a basic fact of the human psychology(Read Fr. Groeschel's book on when bad things happen). You can't MAKE wisdom happen, although you can accumulate knowledge faster (which you seem to have done well).
Continue to read; continue to pray; and perhaps most importantly, continue to trust. My mantra is the one from the Divine Mercy: My Jesus, I trust in You. In all the pains, in all the sadness, when I feel totally alone and understood, I trust in You. And perhaps also importantly, I trust that when I need you most, You will be there, even if I am so self-absorbed that I don't call.
I trust in you.
Have patience my friend, and trust. Your life is a gift, and you are called to grow in holiness your whole life, not be a saint today. Heaven and perfect happiness are for later.