Music and the Moments Lost

I love how music can have such a force on us.  One song can take me back to memories from long ago.  Another song can take me a place I have never been but only dreamed of.  Other songs can take me to a different time, a different era.
When I first heard this song all I could think about was when life was simpler.  When people had to actually work in order to live.  I don't know why it did.  A scary feeling, but one I miss at the moment.  I miss it because, it was one of those moments you get only once, when you listen to a song for the first time.

Where the West Wind Blows~ Green River Ordinance
-the acoustic version

Peace all

Busy, Busy, Busy... Mary and Crappy Confessions

I realized that I have not written anything in a while.

With one sport ending and another beginning, along with two retreats in 2 weeks, I just have not had the time to think about "blogging" a whole lot.

I am currently on a mini, self-retreat I guess you would call it to prepare myself to consecrate my life to Mary.  Daily readings and prayer has become a new routine in my life all focused around what it means to give my life over to Mary, the Mother of God, so that she can do with me what she wills, which is the will of God.  I figure this is the best time to do it.  My retreat will end on the eve of the Solemnity of the Immaculate Conception, with me hopefully making my consecration on the day of the Solemnity.  Quite frankly I am a little scared/nervous to be doing this.  I know one the stronger desires that has been growing in my heart is the desire to become a saint.  As I have read a few times now as a part of my retreat, there is no quicker way to sainthood then to give your life over to Mary.  At this point in my life I figure "why not?"  I am young, have nothing tying me down anywhere except for the desire to be closer to my family.  Since I seem to fail at making decisions for myself, why not let Mary start leading me.  

Also, today I went to confession.  There was a wedding just getting over as I arrived so I had to wait a while to go into the church.  For the first time there was no line and I was immediately next up.  My hopes were high for a good cleansing.  I was quickly brought back to earth however.  As I confessed my sins, the priest simply said my sins were forgiven.  He absolved me and that was it.  No act of contrition, simply a penance to perform and that was it.  I left feeling almost cheated, but as I sat down I remembered some of the more import things that I had learned and in turn taught to many students.  The lackluster priest made no difference... it was Christ, working through the priest that forgave me of my sins and has washed me clean.  It is the power of Christ, not the words of the priest that is the most important.  Just another reminder that people may often let us down, but God never will.

Peace all 

Love and Soul Mates

I wrote this to a friend... and I actually liked what I wrote, so I figured I should share it.

As far as someone leading me in my faith... I don't want that.  I have always been the pusher in my relationships, or at least the one that was defending the faith.  It was nice talking to you and not having to defend my faith and what it stands for.  I don't think I should ever need one person to pull me along in my faith... that is something that I should do.  St. Paul never had anyone... most saints didn't have anyone but God when I think about it.  Sure, they had help at times, but it was always God that was pulling, not another human being, unless you count Jesus.  So I would like someone to walk with me, wherever they are in there journey.  My journey is mine and God's.  I trust in God to keep pulling me, and oh how he does! (we both know that)

As for soul mates, well, my soul, along with every other persons, longs for God.  If there is someone out there who can bring me closer to God, then I would consider them my soul mate.  Sure I have a list, who doesn't?  Its what is discovered that is beyond that list that makes dating exciting!  Someone may fit the list perfectly but if it doesn't work, it doesn't work.  I know that I can never love another person perfectly, as no one can love me perfectly.  We're human, no relationship is going to be perfect.  A relationship can only be perfect in how well the two stay focused on Christ.  As Psalm 146 says, I will put my trust in God, not in humans when it comes to all things.  I also really hope that 7 men do not have to die before I can find my wife, should that be God's will.

Peace all!

Going Backwards... and Why It Frustrates Me

When it comes to life and living as a good Catholic young man, I fail quite often.  Not huge fails usually, just the little ones that are unfortunately somewhat a part of who I am.  I know I'm not perfect.
The little failures do not worry me most days.  It's the big failures, the ones where I am flat on my back, where I am at my lowest of lows, that cause me the most trouble and I do do my best to avoid them.
You might be thinking "well duh!"... and I would agree with you.  Except part of me feels like I need these big failures.  I need to be brought back to earth sometimes and my big failures do that quicker then anything else at the moment.
Why do I bring all this up?  I failed recently... and it got me thinking... and I hadn't written in a while... I felt like I needed to put these thoughts "on paper".

I gave into temptation. I was pushed to the edge... I fought it... but in the end I gave in... I lost the battle... I failed.
Because of this failure this became my morning; I got up, ate, fiddled around, prayed a rosary while kneeling next to my bed, then went to Adoration and then mass.
If I had not failed the night before, this would have most likely been my morning; I would have got up, ate, watched a stupid show on Netflix, fiddled around and then shown up to mass right as it was starting.
This is one of my biggest problems!  I would not have done those good things to bring me closer to God if I had not done something bad that took me farther away from God.  The more I think about it the more pissed off I get.  Why does it take me failing for me to do things I should be doing anyways?  Why can I not strive to always grow closer to God? Why does it take a falling back for me to want to keep going forward?   Do I have this level that I am trying to maintain?  Why can I not get it into my head that that is the wrong way.  There is no level to how close I can be to God.  It is a never ending journey but one I only take seriously when I have drifted backwards and then feel like I need to catch up.
When we train properly for things, we strive to get better each day.
...I'm not doing that.
Goals are set in place so we can work toward them and not fall back.
...what is my goal?  I have a difficult time answering that unfortunately.
I want to be a saint... but I am doing a shitty job of working toward that goal right now.  It shouldn't take failure to motivate me to work harder for my goal.
I need help Lord.

What Should I Have Done?

I appreciate it when a priest takes his time and shows true reverence when celebrating the liturgy of the Eucharist.  Don't get me wrong, it used to bug me when I thought that priests were just dragging out the mass as long as they could... just to torture me of course.  Now, I look forward to the long pauses and simple slowness that some priests still share with the congregation.

The guest priest at our all school mass did just that today.  I loved it... but I was one of the few.

I feel embarrassed to talk about this, but I feel like I should.  

While the priest elevated the host, and then the cup, I heard a student behind me whisper "hurry up... hurry up and drink it G-d dammit"

Shock was my initial response... then anger.  Those words completely took me away from the holy sacrifice of the mass.  I stood there thinking "what should I do?", all the while acting like I had not heard the words that started to seem like they were whispered into my ears only. 

I kept thinking about. I wanted to turn around and do or say something.  I imagined it was Satan who was working through this poor young man.  I wanted to yell out "get back from Satan!!!"  at the top of lungs with all the furry I imagine Jesus had as he said those words to Peter.

Yet, I did nothing.  I tried to pull myself back into the mass and the sacrifice that was laid on the altar before me.  I said a prayer for the young man while fighting off the urge to pummel him.

This continued to bug me the remainder of the mass... it still bugs me now... I cannot lie about that.  

What should I have done?

What can I still do?... is maybe the better question at this point.

Peace

A Sign?

Okay, this is actually probably ridiculous, but I felt like sharing it.
While assistant coaching my cross-country team today I found something.  Standing in the middle of a park, with only grass and trees around, one would not expect to find anything too terribly interesting.  Luckily, if I learned anything from my father, it was how to find things that most people walk right past.  So what did I find?  A quarter.  A bright, shiny quarter simply laying in the grass.  How it got there, only God may know... but I found it and that's just the start.  What do you think I found as I looked over this quarter?  Well, I immediately new, from the buffalo skull on the backside, that is was a Montana state quarter.  If you know me at all, you would know that I have a desire to return home, to be closer to my family and friends.
So, do I take this as a sign?  Not really.  I don't think God gives signs quite like this one, but I still think its cool... and I'm keeping the quarter!

On another note, I added to my work load today.  One of my wooooonnnderful students asked me if we could do something at school for the Year of Faith.  I figured since I knew nobody else at the school would be doing anything, that it would be up to me.  So, I sent out an e-mail to all the faculty and staff at school announcing to them that from now on, every Thursday, during both lunching, I will be holding a discussion/study/learning opportunity focusing on Lumen gentium, Gaudium et spes and the Catechism of the Catholic Church... maybe not in that order though.  I know with the Holy Spirits help we can make this a success... I just pray I can at least look like I know what I am talking about.

Peace all!

Emotion Overload

I love weddings.  It brings me so much joy to see two people in love with each other... and amazingly, I do not even think I feel much envy because it does give me so much joy to see others happy.  Sitting through a wedding ceremony is something I will never get tired of.  The reception, maybe... but the ceremony... never.
I was lucky enough to attend the wedding of one of my friends from college this weekend.  The wonderment of leaving the desert started off the grand trip and deluge of emotions that would become my weekend... but don't worry... I'm not a crier.
The smile that spread across my face as I looked out the window of the plane onto the colors of a mid-west fall was, well, similar to the one I have now as I think about it... only a lot bigger.  Breathing in fresh, slightly crispy-cool air for the first time in long time... well, it still gives me shivers thinking about it.
Feeling completely blessed to be where I was at the moment... I hadn't felt that in a while.  That feeling didn't go away until I landed back in the desert... but I digress...
Seeing friends, laughing, chatting, leading the congregation at the ceremony mass for the responses (at least that is what a friend told me I was doing), just all of that made for a weekend where I felt truly blessed by God and happy to be me.  I was relaxed and myself with my friends... I even made them laugh a bit I think.  Holding on a bit too long with the hugs was something I was not afraid to do.  I won't even talk about the sadness of saying goodbye because I am still riding the joy of seeing them all.
On top of all this, I got so see my brother and his wife, whom I had a wonderful conversation with.  God just showered me with blessings!
Then, as if it couldn't get any better, I got to be the guest of my campus minister friend at his high school.  Daily mass, adoration and a campus ministry office full of high school kids helped the smile stay on my face as long as it could.
God truly blessed me with a wonderful weekend and all I can think about is getting back there... seeing my friends, seeing seasons and experiencing a true fall and winter... ahhhh... I miss it too much already.

  Then I remember... its not what I will, but what God will's.  

My only prayer is for God to give me some direction... any direction... and please... please... may it be out of the desert... I don't know if I can do another year.

Pax