Going Backwards... and Why It Frustrates Me

When it comes to life and living as a good Catholic young man, I fail quite often.  Not huge fails usually, just the little ones that are unfortunately somewhat a part of who I am.  I know I'm not perfect.
The little failures do not worry me most days.  It's the big failures, the ones where I am flat on my back, where I am at my lowest of lows, that cause me the most trouble and I do do my best to avoid them.
You might be thinking "well duh!"... and I would agree with you.  Except part of me feels like I need these big failures.  I need to be brought back to earth sometimes and my big failures do that quicker then anything else at the moment.
Why do I bring all this up?  I failed recently... and it got me thinking... and I hadn't written in a while... I felt like I needed to put these thoughts "on paper".

I gave into temptation. I was pushed to the edge... I fought it... but in the end I gave in... I lost the battle... I failed.
Because of this failure this became my morning; I got up, ate, fiddled around, prayed a rosary while kneeling next to my bed, then went to Adoration and then mass.
If I had not failed the night before, this would have most likely been my morning; I would have got up, ate, watched a stupid show on Netflix, fiddled around and then shown up to mass right as it was starting.
This is one of my biggest problems!  I would not have done those good things to bring me closer to God if I had not done something bad that took me farther away from God.  The more I think about it the more pissed off I get.  Why does it take me failing for me to do things I should be doing anyways?  Why can I not strive to always grow closer to God? Why does it take a falling back for me to want to keep going forward?   Do I have this level that I am trying to maintain?  Why can I not get it into my head that that is the wrong way.  There is no level to how close I can be to God.  It is a never ending journey but one I only take seriously when I have drifted backwards and then feel like I need to catch up.
When we train properly for things, we strive to get better each day.
...I'm not doing that.
Goals are set in place so we can work toward them and not fall back.
...what is my goal?  I have a difficult time answering that unfortunately.
I want to be a saint... but I am doing a shitty job of working toward that goal right now.  It shouldn't take failure to motivate me to work harder for my goal.
I need help Lord.

What Should I Have Done?

I appreciate it when a priest takes his time and shows true reverence when celebrating the liturgy of the Eucharist.  Don't get me wrong, it used to bug me when I thought that priests were just dragging out the mass as long as they could... just to torture me of course.  Now, I look forward to the long pauses and simple slowness that some priests still share with the congregation.

The guest priest at our all school mass did just that today.  I loved it... but I was one of the few.

I feel embarrassed to talk about this, but I feel like I should.  

While the priest elevated the host, and then the cup, I heard a student behind me whisper "hurry up... hurry up and drink it G-d dammit"

Shock was my initial response... then anger.  Those words completely took me away from the holy sacrifice of the mass.  I stood there thinking "what should I do?", all the while acting like I had not heard the words that started to seem like they were whispered into my ears only. 

I kept thinking about. I wanted to turn around and do or say something.  I imagined it was Satan who was working through this poor young man.  I wanted to yell out "get back from Satan!!!"  at the top of lungs with all the furry I imagine Jesus had as he said those words to Peter.

Yet, I did nothing.  I tried to pull myself back into the mass and the sacrifice that was laid on the altar before me.  I said a prayer for the young man while fighting off the urge to pummel him.

This continued to bug me the remainder of the mass... it still bugs me now... I cannot lie about that.  

What should I have done?

What can I still do?... is maybe the better question at this point.

Peace

A Sign?

Okay, this is actually probably ridiculous, but I felt like sharing it.
While assistant coaching my cross-country team today I found something.  Standing in the middle of a park, with only grass and trees around, one would not expect to find anything too terribly interesting.  Luckily, if I learned anything from my father, it was how to find things that most people walk right past.  So what did I find?  A quarter.  A bright, shiny quarter simply laying in the grass.  How it got there, only God may know... but I found it and that's just the start.  What do you think I found as I looked over this quarter?  Well, I immediately new, from the buffalo skull on the backside, that is was a Montana state quarter.  If you know me at all, you would know that I have a desire to return home, to be closer to my family and friends.
So, do I take this as a sign?  Not really.  I don't think God gives signs quite like this one, but I still think its cool... and I'm keeping the quarter!

On another note, I added to my work load today.  One of my wooooonnnderful students asked me if we could do something at school for the Year of Faith.  I figured since I knew nobody else at the school would be doing anything, that it would be up to me.  So, I sent out an e-mail to all the faculty and staff at school announcing to them that from now on, every Thursday, during both lunching, I will be holding a discussion/study/learning opportunity focusing on Lumen gentium, Gaudium et spes and the Catechism of the Catholic Church... maybe not in that order though.  I know with the Holy Spirits help we can make this a success... I just pray I can at least look like I know what I am talking about.

Peace all!

Emotion Overload

I love weddings.  It brings me so much joy to see two people in love with each other... and amazingly, I do not even think I feel much envy because it does give me so much joy to see others happy.  Sitting through a wedding ceremony is something I will never get tired of.  The reception, maybe... but the ceremony... never.
I was lucky enough to attend the wedding of one of my friends from college this weekend.  The wonderment of leaving the desert started off the grand trip and deluge of emotions that would become my weekend... but don't worry... I'm not a crier.
The smile that spread across my face as I looked out the window of the plane onto the colors of a mid-west fall was, well, similar to the one I have now as I think about it... only a lot bigger.  Breathing in fresh, slightly crispy-cool air for the first time in long time... well, it still gives me shivers thinking about it.
Feeling completely blessed to be where I was at the moment... I hadn't felt that in a while.  That feeling didn't go away until I landed back in the desert... but I digress...
Seeing friends, laughing, chatting, leading the congregation at the ceremony mass for the responses (at least that is what a friend told me I was doing), just all of that made for a weekend where I felt truly blessed by God and happy to be me.  I was relaxed and myself with my friends... I even made them laugh a bit I think.  Holding on a bit too long with the hugs was something I was not afraid to do.  I won't even talk about the sadness of saying goodbye because I am still riding the joy of seeing them all.
On top of all this, I got so see my brother and his wife, whom I had a wonderful conversation with.  God just showered me with blessings!
Then, as if it couldn't get any better, I got to be the guest of my campus minister friend at his high school.  Daily mass, adoration and a campus ministry office full of high school kids helped the smile stay on my face as long as it could.
God truly blessed me with a wonderful weekend and all I can think about is getting back there... seeing my friends, seeing seasons and experiencing a true fall and winter... ahhhh... I miss it too much already.

  Then I remember... its not what I will, but what God will's.  

My only prayer is for God to give me some direction... any direction... and please... please... may it be out of the desert... I don't know if I can do another year.

Pax