Holding Back the Tears

I'm struggling right now. There have already been a few moments today when I've had to fight back the tears as I felt them start to well up.
Today I'm presenting to my classes a bit more about me. I spent last night making a PowerPoint about myself, with pictures and a little poem explaining what I come from. I had to quickly go through the pics with my family because, well, I couldn't cry in front of my students on only the second day of class.
I don't know why I'm struggling so much. I truly believe this is a place where I can do some good, but I miss home, my family, friends and Montana. Right now those feeling are overpowering the excitement I had for being here. The struggle of being a teacher again is hitting me and all my mind can go to is the thought of being back home where I'm comfortable and surrounded with what I know and love.
But I can't go home. I've made a commitment to be here and to be the best teacher I can be for my new students. And honestly I know if I was at home right now I'd be bored and thinking about how I should be somewhere doing something more productive with my life. Knowing that doesn't help me much right now though.
I miss home.

Feelings of Doubt

Well, I did it again. I moved away from home back to Minnesota. Through the whole process I've felt pretty good about my decision. When I got here I was reassured when I both saw and heard how in need this school is of a change in their Theology program. There is another new teacher who I'll be working with and we also got an apartment together so I'm not completely alone.
Still, today had moments that got me down. Nothing that happened externally, just in my own head. Feelings of doubt and missing my family have almost brought me to tears today. They are the same feelings I had when I moved to Minnesota the first time 10 years ago. I held back the tears back then and I'm still able to today, but the feelings still suck.
Luckily, I know from experience that in time things will get better. I'll connect with my roommate/coworker more and get to know my students better. All of that will ease the pain of being away from home again.
I know that Jesus is with me and I'm trying to do His will. There souls here that I'll come in contact with for a reason and I have to trust that. The feeling of being alone won't last and the desire to just be with my family will lessen after I travel home for the first time.
Until then, I'm trying to have a healthy distrust of my emotions and do what Jesus brought me here to do to the best of my ability.
I just wanna cry, but I wont. I'll buck up, trust that I'm where I need to be and do what needs to be done for my students and this new school I'm at.

Peace all

Catholic First

Growing up at a Jesuit parish was not a big deal to me, mostly because I didn't know what being Jesuit meant until later in my high school days. Like many out there, I've read the "Jesuit Guide to Almost Everything" which definitely helped me gain a deeper understanding and appreciation for the Jesuits.
Yesterday was Saint Ignatius Loyola's feast day, which wasn't celebrated due to it being a Sunday. For lots of reasons the Jesuit Order is a part of my life, so these past few days have lead me to do some reflecting on the Order.
Unfortunately my stupidity and overall humanity showed through at the start of this process when I shared a blog article with a friend. The blog talked about how the numbers of Jesuits seem to be declining while the Jesuits themselves report that their numbers are increasing. My friend is lifelong Jesuit educated and is joining the Jesuit Volunteer Corps for the next year, so she's proud of and very defensive of the Jesuits. So I shared the article on her facebook page because that's the easiest way to do it honestly. I didn't expect a response, but she did write a long comment on it, which was very defensive, attacked the author and commented on how she'd have me rather than post it on her wall for all to see have me send it to her in a private message. Clearly I struck a nerve.
I don't like upsetting people, especially friends, but this incident has bothered me. And I guess my humanness is showing because the more I think about this the less I'm upset about making her mad and more frustrated with the current state of the Jesuit Order.
You don't have to be steeped in knowledge of the Catholic Church to notice that Jesuit institutions are frequenting the presses. They are not getting headlines because they are following church teachings, because that it not note worthy in our society. They get headlines and articles because they aren't. Just Google "Georgetown" and "Catholic" and see what pops up.
I'm frustrated because knowing pretty the life of Saint Ignatius I can't imagine he is happy with the way many in his order are conducting themselves.
The article I shared was fine, but the last paragraph is what got me and I much appreciated the point that was made.

This Sunday might be an opportunity for wayward Jesuits — instead of the usual celebration of the great Saint and his Company — to focus attention on the Eucharist and the unity of all the Faithful with the Magisterium of the Church, which should be the foundation for Jesuit education and spirituality. I bet that St. Ignatius would approve.

Many "soldiers for Christ" are not following their calls to lead people to Christ and fight for the side of truth of goodness. I know this from my own personal experience.

At the end of the day my hope is that my friend will take the criticisms of the Jesuits in stride and remember we are all Catholic first, and that means so much more than any order or group we happen to identify with that is man made.