Recently I've been very hopeful for the future. Not because of anything I have directly done but because of ways I thought God was moving my life.
It was not quite a year ago that I really started thinking that I needed to be home. Home for my family and home to try something new for my self. I was a single guy living in a small town working for a parish. It was great, but it was also very lonely. I spent a lot of time alone at my apartment. Not being a person that needs a whole lot of social interaction, it wasn't terrible, but I was ready to move on, so I did. I quit my full time, good paying job to move home and go back to school while working a part time job.
Things have been great. I've met knew people, joined a woodsman team and survived a semester of college after a long absence. A great joy also came into my life through an e-mail, of all things. This great joy changed my world and honestly for the first time in my life got me thinking very hard about how I am being called to give of my life. It's been a scary thought, don't get me wrong. The thought of leaving everything and moving across the country is terrifying. But the more joy I felt and the closer I got to God because of this amazing joy, the fears started to go away. The reality that difficulties would of course be there never subsided. Still, trusting in God that maybe I was, for maybe the first time, doing His will and being called to something greater allowed the hope I had to out way the fears.
Yet I only have control over my life and my role in God's will. This great joy I've had has doubts and fears, which I completely understand. Neither of us feels like we can commit to anything right now. If circumstances were a little bit different, the whole situation could be changed. Things are as they are though.God said "No one has greater love than this, to lay down one's life for one's friends"
I'm to the point that I'm ready, with immense help from God, to lay down my life for my friend, my great joy of these last few months. But I don't know if that is what I'm being called to do and todays events have only led to doubts about that.
My hope is that this great joy is only trying to keep me from "putting all my eggs in one basket" as they say, and not let my judgement be clouded by my emotions or unrealistic hopes.
So I'm praying for direction, patience and divine intervention. Today's reality check has rocked me, but I pray good will come out of it.
Peace all
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