I'm Almost Mainstream!

Well, not really, but last week and the week before my blog was blowing up with viewers... I mean like 20-30 a day for a little bit.  I know, very shocking to say the least.
My post about Purgatory and the Dentists Office got a lot of views, so many so that I actually had a couple advertisements for dentist offices posted in the comments box.  I deleted them but I should have just kept them for the laugh factor... oh well.
So ya, I'm not main stream, no where near it really and I'm okay with that.  Using my blog comment box as an advertising tool did make me feel a little special.  No fear though, views have dropped significantly... thank you God for uplifting, and humbling, moments.

Peace all

I Don't Know How To Be A Good Friend

I call myself a good listener because I am.  If I am needed just as a person to talk to; no problem, I can do that.  There is more to being a friend than just listening and I'm not very good at those other things.
My best friend, from way back in the 1st grade knows me better than anyone.  He's one of those guys that makes you feel like he's your best friend after knowing him for 5 minutes.  How he has put up with me this long I don't know.  Maybe because we have been through so much together.  Other than him, I don't really have other friends that I talk to regularly.  All of my other friends I assume kinda know that I'm always there for them, but I'm not going to reach out to them.  I've never really been that way. My whole life I've been more of a loner if anything.  Hell, I write more in this blog than I actually ever tell people in person.

I don't think this is right and this isn't working ... I need to change.

But what do I do?  Do I start talking with as many friends as possible at least once a week?  Do I send out little text messages asking "hey, how you doing?" whenever I get free time?  Do I go through all my Facebook friends and write on there walls telling them I'm still alive and thinking about them every once and while.  Do I have a send a card for every friend on their birthday and send out a Christmas letter every winter?

I think all my friends are so used to not talking to me they might think something was wrong if I all of a sudden started communicating more.

I know that at the end of the day I have to start giving more of myself to my friends.  That is the key, I just don't know how to do that.

Peace all

Pay Attention People

It took me a long time to love the celebration of the Eucharist, the mass.  I have understood it as one of my main objectives as a youth minister to get the youth to go to mass.  It's not easy and it is going to take time.  I know Christ will meet each youth when it is their time and I can't change that.  All I can do it encourage.

That being said, it is also a huge responsibility on the people who go to mass regularly to also encourage others to go to mass.  And when those people who are at mass daily are present they need to remember to NOT BE ROBOTS!!!

How many people after going to daily mass for however many years just make it routine?  I would argue too many.  I can see how easy it would be though.  The mass doesn't change much. When we go to mass we pretty much know what it going to happen. That is no excuse not to pay attention though and hear those beautiful words as if they are new to our ears each and every day.

I'm not saying I do this perfectly by any means.  I drift off and think of lots of others things at mass way too often. Still, I listen and at certain points in the mass I make sure I am listening. It frustrates me when others aren't.

This happened Friday morning. I was home for my parents birthdays and got up for daily mass with my father.  The priest must have been reading a different Eucharistic prayer because it didn't sound exactly the same as it usually is. This didn't bother me at all because I was listening.  He got a part where it sounded like there should have been a response.  I did not respond because I had been listening and understood the response was not coming yet.  Did everyone else present catch onto that? Nope, and half the congregation half responded after they realized that Father was still talking.  This frustrated me and still frustrates me.

The mass is always beautiful.  I've been taking it for granted and I think too many others do as well.  Lots of people don't get a chance to go to daily mass.  Those of us that get to, pay attention, that's all I ask.

Peace all

This is Awesome

Had to share this... for all teachers and students

"This Time"

Had to share this...

Former "Kansas" lead singer and producer John Elefante is using his newest single "This Time," to share the story of his adopted daughter's birth, and in the process, bring some attention to Online for Life (OFL), an educational non-profit working to rescue babies from abortion so they can live to make their mark on the world.

"I can't imagine life without my daughter, Sami, and it just breaks my heart that pregnant young women much like her birth mother, instead of choosing life for their babies, are denying them the chance to be born," Elefante said. "If our song can in any way bring attention to this issue and encourage those who are considering abortion to choose life through options such as adoption, then we couldn't be happier."

Nice Slap in the Face

This was kind of a nice slap in the face.  And it's nice to know I'm not the only one going through these struggles.

I'm Not Running for the Doorway

I need to invest more in my love for God and others... because it ain't love if it can't break your heart

Not Yet Broken

I read a post by Steve Gershom where he talks about wanting to be on Jesus' shoulders.  His thoughts follow along similar thoughts that I have been having recently.  Like Steve, being a Christian my whole life, I still feel like I have not yet met Jesus.  I've never had that "come to Jesus" or life changing moment.  Doing my thing my whole life and kinda just believing because it makes sense has pretty much been it.
I wonder if I am also still trapped in the dungeon of myself, like Steve also ponders.
For me, it comes down to love.  God has blessed me with the realization that my whole life I have been seeking love when I should have been giving love.  I'm still doing that to this day.  I seek the love of others, I want to be loved, who doesn't?  But where I fall is in the giving of my own love.  I'm a "nice guy", but I wouldn't call myself a loving guy, as hard as that is to admit.  I am still very selfish and proud when it comes to the majority of the aspects of my life. I have used listening as my main way to show my love.  Openly I will admit I am a great listener, but there are more ways to love than just listening to someone talk.
I desire to love as Christ loves.  I just honestly do not know how to do that right now.
Maybe, like Steve, God is still preparing me and I might not be ready for another 4 years (30 years old... can't imagine it right now).
Until then, what do I do?  I guess I do the best I can and keep trying to grow closer to God and love all those that God has blessed my life with as best I can.
Still, is it weird that I long to be broken?  I remember reading a blog about the lost sheep and why we always see a picture of Jesus carrying the lamb back to the flock.  Jesus carries the lamb because the lamb is broken and can't walk.  Like Steve, I want to be on Jesus' shoulders.

Am I on the fringe of the flock waiting for a cliff to jump off of so I can be broken and Jesus can bring me back?  Is that what it takes?  Do I have to be broken or experience a figurative "desert" to wonder through before I can love as Christ loves?
Where is my desert?  Where is my jump off point?

Tears...

I have to write this quick and I am writing it for no one other than myself so I don't forget it.
I went to reconciliation and confessed my sins.  My biggest one being pride, and also in my heart knowing how I have many times failed to trust in God because of my pride.  I don't know why it is so hard for me, but it is.  Pride allows me to think that I know what's best... but God help me I know that I don't, but I still struggle.
Four "Our Fathers", a rush of emotions later and for the first time I cried after reconciliation.  I prayed, as tears rolled down my face for God to remove any thoughts that do not line up with His plans for me, one in particular.
God has blessed me with so much, why do I keep desiring more when He is all I need?

Conditional Love

I was blessed to go to all three masses this weekend. It was great meeting and talking with lots of people and it was also wonderful hearing Father's homily THREE TIMES...
Anyways... it was good to hear it because it did get me thinking.
One of Father's main points was on conditional love.  True love has no conditions, it is unconditional.  If we start putting conditions on our love then that isn't true love.  God loves us unconditionally but so often we put conditions on our love for God. I have been guilty of this so many times.
Where I struggle is how my own desires come into this.  I have desires for my future, but is that the same as putting conditions on my love for God? I am supposed to just trust God and have faith that He has taken care of my future and if I just follow His plan for me I will be happy.  But how am I supposed to know His plan for me?  He hasn't really made things simple and clear.  So how do my desires play into all this?  I would love to live on my grandparents farm after they have gone, but recently I have felt that that is a desire I need to let go of.  What about my other desires though? To have a family, to live relatively close to my own family... do I have to let go of those to?  Are those conditions I am putting on God?
I so honestly want to do His will for my life but what desires (conditions?) do I need to keep going after and which ones do I need to let go of?

And I know the answer... prayer and trust/faith... yet, my mind still struggles.

Peace all

Searching for Signs

When I think I have the correct desire in my heart I try to be more aware of signs that I actually am.  Everything becomes a possible hint from God that "yes, I'm on the right path here".  And that is just it, in my silly little head I can turn anything into "hey, that has a to a sign right there!"  This happens to me to the most when I listen to music.  I have my favorite songs playlist, set on shuffle.  If the right song comes on, boom, my thoughts go right to "this is a sign!"
This has to be one of the most frustrating aspects of trying to understand if I'm on the right track or not. I want nothing else to follow God's plan for me, yet, I still have my own wants and desires.  I pray they line up with God's but it literally scares me sometimes when I think that they don't.  I try to use these little signs to reassure myself that I'm doing what I am supposed to be doing.
But what if I'm completely following my own desires? What if I'm way off track and those were just the songs that came up, no sign, only a coincidence?
I keep thinking about things and telling myself not to.  Am I going to be doing this for the rest of my life or at some point am I going to be in love with God enough to not worry?
I have to remind myself to keep racing toward God.  If I know I'm doing that I have nothing to worry about.

-side note-- I need to get back to exercising... running toward God might be easier if there was less of me running

When I Think I Know

Isn't it funny how sometimes we think we know what will make us happy and bring us fulfillment?
This has been and will continue to be one the hardest lessons I have to learn.
It's so easy to fall into this trap though.  "I know what makes me happy and that is what I want"... yep, thoughts I have had before and will continue to have unfortunately.  It is because of thoughts like this that I have made some bad decisions in my life.
"I don't want that so I'm not going to do that" or "I think I really want this and it will make me happy so I'm going to pursue this".  Both thoughts have brought myself and others misery.
So what can I do?
Do I look back on those times when these thoughts and subsequent actions happened and try to fix them or do I just move on?
By trying to undo what I have done in the past am I just repeating a cycle of myself thinking I know what's best for me now?

I guess I just need to trust in God and hope I am doing what He needs me to be doing, whether I like it or not.
I'm getting to the point where I can let go of dreams of things and places, but letting go of people, people that I love is much harder.

Peace all

Humility

Well, I'm moved to my new town.  Don't have my own place yet, but hopefully I can find a place this week. Living with a priest for a few days should be interesting.
God likes to give me little hints every once and a while and by His grace sometimes I get them or notice them.
For my last mass at home Father's homily was on humility.  Right away, I knew this was good for me and a little sign from God.  I have realized, or at least come to admit that I have a pride problem and humility is something I need to work at constantly.  Along with doing little humble things throughout the day I have also been praying the Litany of Humility every morning after doing morning prayer.  Also, Matt Maher has a song called "Every Little Prison" that is based off of the Litany of Humility, and guess what song I have been waking up to every morning for the last week as my alarm song.
Father made a good point in his homily and that was as soon as you think you are humble you have lost it.  Humility can't be measured and you can't win at being more humble then the next guy, it just doesn't work that way.  I've had the wrong mindset in a lot of different instances in my life, and as I have said before, I have not be consistent with many things.
I'm beginning to realize that the dreams I have had these last few years may not be what God has in store for me, but as I grow closer to God the more I tend to be okay with that.  I truly want to be humble and be where and do what He needs me to do.
So, I'm trying to be humble and put my dreams aside so I can fully be open to God's plans for me, whatever they might be.
And, oh ya, I have to start being a full time Youth Minister tomorrow, so this should be fun.

Peace all