Conversation with Myself

I apologize in advance for the bad language... I just can't get Myself to stop swearing.

Me- So how was you family vacation?

Myself- Good

Just good?  Is that your answer for everything?

For broad questions like that? Yes, "good" or "fine" is pretty much my answer.  Ask a more specific question and you will get a more specific answer... asshole...

Fine... how did things go on the vacation?

Well, most of the trip was great.  Plenty of time with the family in the most awesome of the National Parks.  Saw lots of critters and hot water and scenery.

Critters?

F*** you... my inner hick comes out every once and a while.

Alright... settle down... So that sounds great.  Anything else exciting?

Well, the first day kinda sucked.

Getting right to the bitching huh?

Well, you asked, jerk... So we stayed in the hometown of my last ex.  Of course, I started thinking about all of that as we approached the town.  Thought about the last time I was there.  Had the slight fear that I might see her, or some of her family.  Part of me wanted to I guess... Part of me just wanted to see her working as a store clerk or something.  I imagined myself saying something like "oh how the mighty have fallen" or some bulls*** like that.  

You seem like you still are not over her?

I don't even f***ing know what that means at this point.  Things were so great, I should have known I would f*** things up somehow.  I sent only a Valentines card, which arrived late, thanks to my own stupidity, not because I mailed it late... and the snowball over my heart just continued from there.  Then, because I'm just an emotional f*** that thinks too much... all I heard from her explanations of why things weren't going to work was because she prayed about it and got an answer from God.

So she was told by God that your relationship was wan't right?

Apparently... so I just took that.  I knew that my relationship with God was nowhere near as good or as healthy or right as hers... so I just took it.  I took the time to pray a rosary everyday during Lent after all this went down... which I am glad I did... part of it done so with the hope I was still holding onto that our relationship might be saved.  

That's great!  So you grew closer to God and everything is looking up right?

Sure... I was closer to God... I am back on a downward turn at the moment.  Being back in that town hasn't helped.  Thinking about it now doesn't help either.  For some reason, I have justified in my head that she just stopping liking me, then used God as an excuse.  That pisses me off... if you don't like me anymore, just tell me... that's easier then me trying to figure out what God saw so bad about our relationship.  But I guess as pissed off as I am about it... how things went down.. how fast it all happened... that it still affects me so much... its all a big moment of trust.  Something that I thought was so great... was so wonderful... is now completely done... its a huge moment of trust that I am struggling with.
I'm guessing you aren't talking anymore?
Nope... she wanted to "still be friends" and all that.  I thought I could try it at least.  I'm too f***ing emotional though.  I sometimes wish I was like those guys on TV that bounce between girlfriends like a new pair of shoes.  But I'm not.  We kissed... we had long talks, we connected.  Then to just be friends after all that?  Can't do it... I won't give into her guilt anymore.  I'm done trying to appease her gult like that.  Life is too short.  Sure, if she ever really needed me for something, I would be there in a hearbeat... but otherwise I'm done with it... I need to move on.
Well that's good I guess... got anything else to bitch about?
I guess that's it.  I've been wanting to get that off my chest for a while now. 
Glad I could help... you whiny bitch...
I love you man.
I know... God loves you more.

Pax!