I Get It... I Hope...

Alright... I seem to be getting it from all over....
its alright to be single
you have to trust
don't be angry
it takes time

But... at the end of the day...
I'm a bit lonely
I'm still angry
I'm a bit impatient
Trust... I can do that though.

One of the good things I learned from a past relationship was that when we think we know what is best for ourselves...

Jesus just laughs!

Pax

Saint Ignatius of Loyola

I attended a high school that was started by the Jesuits, and continue to call a Jesuit parish my home parish.  Daily mass today was special, celebrating the feast day of St. Ignatius of Loyola, the founder of the Society of Jesus, the Jesuits.  Relics were even brought out to give special blessings for those who desired them.  Its an awesome feeling to hold a relic of a saint in your hand and receive a blessing.

Pope Benedict XVI addressed the Jesuits today.  Here is an excerpt from his address.

"St Ignatius of Loyola was first and foremost a man of God who in his life put God, his greatest glory and his greatest service, first. He was a profoundly prayerful man for whom the daily celebration of the Eucharist was the heart and crowning point of his day.
Thus, he left his followers a precious spiritual legacy that must not be lost or forgotten. Precisely because he was a man of God, St Ignatius was a faithful servant of the Church, in which he saw and venerated the Bride of the Lord and the Mother of Christians. And the special vow of obedience to the Pope, which he himself describes as "our first and principal foundation" (MI, Series III, I., p. 162), was born from his desire to serve the Church in the most beneficial way possible."

Happy feast day Jesuits!

Deliver Me...

from temptation... small and large
from failed relationships and the wondering of "what might have been"
from stress
from worrying about the future
from my selfish desires and tendencies
from being content
from jealousy
from being the quiet guy that is slow to show love
from being lazy
from thinking of myself first
from not being thankful
from holding anger in my heart
from not forgiving
from not trusting
from wanting to be better then others
from desiring fame
from thinking I know what is best
from judging
from fear of things I can't control
from my sin
from doubt
from fear of speaking the truth
from fear of showing your love
from myself

Pax

Conversation with Myself

I apologize in advance for the bad language... I just can't get Myself to stop swearing.

Me- So how was you family vacation?

Myself- Good

Just good?  Is that your answer for everything?

For broad questions like that? Yes, "good" or "fine" is pretty much my answer.  Ask a more specific question and you will get a more specific answer... asshole...

Fine... how did things go on the vacation?

Well, most of the trip was great.  Plenty of time with the family in the most awesome of the National Parks.  Saw lots of critters and hot water and scenery.

Critters?

F*** you... my inner hick comes out every once and a while.

Alright... settle down... So that sounds great.  Anything else exciting?

Well, the first day kinda sucked.

Getting right to the bitching huh?

Well, you asked, jerk... So we stayed in the hometown of my last ex.  Of course, I started thinking about all of that as we approached the town.  Thought about the last time I was there.  Had the slight fear that I might see her, or some of her family.  Part of me wanted to I guess... Part of me just wanted to see her working as a store clerk or something.  I imagined myself saying something like "oh how the mighty have fallen" or some bulls*** like that.  

You seem like you still are not over her?

I don't even f***ing know what that means at this point.  Things were so great, I should have known I would f*** things up somehow.  I sent only a Valentines card, which arrived late, thanks to my own stupidity, not because I mailed it late... and the snowball over my heart just continued from there.  Then, because I'm just an emotional f*** that thinks too much... all I heard from her explanations of why things weren't going to work was because she prayed about it and got an answer from God.

So she was told by God that your relationship was wan't right?

Apparently... so I just took that.  I knew that my relationship with God was nowhere near as good or as healthy or right as hers... so I just took it.  I took the time to pray a rosary everyday during Lent after all this went down... which I am glad I did... part of it done so with the hope I was still holding onto that our relationship might be saved.  

That's great!  So you grew closer to God and everything is looking up right?

Sure... I was closer to God... I am back on a downward turn at the moment.  Being back in that town hasn't helped.  Thinking about it now doesn't help either.  For some reason, I have justified in my head that she just stopping liking me, then used God as an excuse.  That pisses me off... if you don't like me anymore, just tell me... that's easier then me trying to figure out what God saw so bad about our relationship.  But I guess as pissed off as I am about it... how things went down.. how fast it all happened... that it still affects me so much... its all a big moment of trust.  Something that I thought was so great... was so wonderful... is now completely done... its a huge moment of trust that I am struggling with.
I'm guessing you aren't talking anymore?
Nope... she wanted to "still be friends" and all that.  I thought I could try it at least.  I'm too f***ing emotional though.  I sometimes wish I was like those guys on TV that bounce between girlfriends like a new pair of shoes.  But I'm not.  We kissed... we had long talks, we connected.  Then to just be friends after all that?  Can't do it... I won't give into her guilt anymore.  I'm done trying to appease her gult like that.  Life is too short.  Sure, if she ever really needed me for something, I would be there in a hearbeat... but otherwise I'm done with it... I need to move on.
Well that's good I guess... got anything else to bitch about?
I guess that's it.  I've been wanting to get that off my chest for a while now. 
Glad I could help... you whiny bitch...
I love you man.
I know... God loves you more.

Pax!

One of Those Moments

Sitting at a bluegrass concert with my father, surrounded by a lot of beautiful women, I was very distracted to say the least.  I've been struggling with a lot of things this week... many that I am not proud of and thought I had gotten over, or at least conquered somewhat.  So taking a few steps back and forth this week has been good and bad for me.

Anyways, one of the songs at the concert tonight was about heaven.  During that song, for one of the few times during the night I stopped thinking about women and relationships.  I felt, well,  happy and joyful... thinking about heaven. It pulled me out of my self pity of being 25 and single with no prospects at the moment... for a minute or two.

Then, it was right back into thinking about the future, and past relationships; all that fun stuff.  The thoughts of if I should have put more effort into my last relationship.  How much I miss it.  How much I trust in the Lord, thankfully, so I'm not freaking out... at least not yet anyways.  How jealous I am of people that are in a relationship.

I really need to start taking the words of my late friend to heart and start living them...

Stop searching for the one, and just be the one

When I can look myself in the mirror and be truly happy, then I will be ready for a relationship.  Until then, I'm just, well, living...

Pax!

Over-Easy Please

Yolk... I like mine over-easy.  To spread the runny, yellowy goodness over the rest of the egg... dunk my bacon or sausage in it... wipe it up with the toast.... can't think of a much better breakfast... mmmmhhhmmmm... sorry... can you tell I like food?
Anyways...Jesus is talking about yokes, not yolks, today.  At mass, Father mentioned something that got me thinking.  When we think of oxen and their yoke, we rarely think of just one ox.  They usually always work in pairs.

(aren't they cute!!!!)

So... when Jesus says to "take my yoke upon you and learn from me" he his saying "let me help you!"
The problem is too many of us today drag our feet.  We want His help, but maybe we don't want to go that fast, or in that direction, or even move at all.
Others, much fewer I think, pull too fast.  They want to get ahead of Jesus, they want to pull Him along saying "lets go, lets go, I'm ready... I think I know where we are going!"  Those are the people that need to relax, be patient, and work with Jesus, not pull Him.
Whether being a drag or trying to get ahead, when not pulling equally with Jesus we get lost and the row does not stay straight.
Figuring out how to pull equally with Jesus, to make a straight row, that's the goal of life.

Please, Jesus, help me to pull my weight and also not get ahead of you.

Pax!

Its So Difficult!

Its easy to pray it, read about it, think about it.  But to actually do it?

Especially the "my path" part...

Pax all

He Wants Your Heart

He does not want your sacrifices, your burnt offerings or, yes, even your measly few bucks you throw into the offering plate.  What God really wants is your heart.  He wants you to trust in Him and no one else; not yourself, not others.  You should love God above all things, above all other people.  If you love your mother,  your father, sister, brother, husband or wife, you are not worthy to call yourself a follower of Jesus Christ.  God needs to be number one, #1, in your life.  That is the only way to have joy in this life.

So at a time in my life, when I do not really know what I want to do with my life, or what I should do, how do I first find my life and then lose it for God?  Is God going to lead me to a life which I will then have to lose?  If I really find something that I want to do with my life, do I have to lose that and do something completely different with my life... i.e. lose it?  Or is the life I am living right now the one I need to lose?
This is going to be a long year....

Peace all

Venerable Fulton J. Sheen

He really hit the mark with this quote.

Peace all!

Good Ramblings...

Just some ramblings from the last 2 weeks.

The 4th of July went pretty well.  We were joined by lots of family at our lake cabin.  My two little cousins took their time, but eventually I became the favorite one to follow around, hearing the phrase "cousin, you want to play?" multiple times.  I was put in jail, a few times, a fire starter and marshmallow roaster, a dog trainer, a daddy and for little while I manned two fishing poles as the youngsters lost interest.  Needless to say, when they left the afternoon of the 5th, I was a tired cousin.

On the 7th, I was blessed, for the third time, to go on a river float with my sister and do some fishing at the same time.  The weather was great, the fish were biting alright... I caught three, lost a lot more... and I didn't look a lure until right at the end of our float.  It was a good day on the river, which pretty much beats any other type of day there is...

From the 8th to the 10th, I was traveling the backroads of Montana with my father.  He likes to keep in touch with family and has been interested in our family tree for a while now.  So our yearly road trip was set; see some family and some new country.  Fort Benton was a great stop, especially since I got to fish, and they were really biting in the Missouri River.  Highwood, Denton, Judith Landing and finally Winifred dotted the beautiful land of central Montana that we traveled.  We even found Lost Lake, called the 8th Wonder of the World by the locals.  A few trips down memory lane and long drive home made for a good few days.

Done traveling for a few days.  Summer is almost over so I need to get every last bit of time I can up here in the great north before I have to head down south.

Peace all!

Your in the Middle of the Ride

This is for one of my readers who cannot seem to relax...

Let go and let God... some of the best advice I ever got.

Peace all!

Spiritual Hemorrhage

Do you have any spiritual hemorrhages?  I know I sure do.  Like the poor woman from today's Gospel, her hemorrhages made her unclean and unhealthy for 12 years.  She spent all her money and met with every doctor she could to try to be cured, but she just got worse.  Until she heard about Jesus.  She was able to touch his clothes and "immediately her flow of blood dried up."  Jesus did not know who had touched him, but he knew power had flowed from him.  She came forward, falling to his feet and told him the truth.  He simply told her that her faith saved her.
So back to my hemorrhages.    Lukewarmness, laziness, complacency... the list goes on, these are just the ones I can really put names to.  What do I need to do to stop the bleeding?  Drop to the feet of Jesus and beg for help?  I can receive the body and blood of Jesus every day, but that still is not enough for this weak young man.  Do I have to go through 12 years of suffering?  I really do not think what I am going through is suffering though.  Maybe I need to do something radical... hopefully, someday, I will be able to hear what God needs me to do, and at the same time be open to it.I really do not like bleeding...Peace